Four years of smiles

Tonight we celebrated Abby's 4th Birthday with some of her friends. It was the largest party we've had for her yet, except for her 1st birthday, which was almost like a wedding reception (but she'll never remember it). I think in the end there were 15 kids and 7 babies (plus adults). It was almost 120 degrees today and unfortunately for our daughter she will always be stuck having summer parties. At least we were indoors. Because of the anticipated heat, this year we opted for the indoor prepackaged party, which is totally not my style, since I like to have control over every aspect of party planning. In fact, I apologize in advance to my daughters for what I will put them through on their wedding days. In the end, it was very nice. I got to enjoy the party and watch my daughter have a good time, and I didn't have to stress over planning all the activities. Oh yeah, and did I mention the scorching heat outside?!!! What did I say before about global warming? I did of course have to get involved somehow, so I made my greatest culinary creation yet - the Barbie princess cake, which consisted of a plastic Barbie on a stake, stuck into a dome shaped pink frosted cake (strawberry cake on the outside and yellow cake with pineapple in the middle). Dude, buttercream is not as easy to make as it looks. It reminded me of Abby's first birthday party, except this time I didn't have my sous chefs, Cha and my brother, to sift all my powdered sugar and flour for me.

Watching my daughter today at the party I was reminded of what an extraordinarily special girl she is. Most girls her age would be overwhelmed at a party with so many kids and activities. But not our big girl. She was so overjoyed just because all her friends were there with her to celebrate her special occasion. I can already picture her 30 years from now, entertaining crowds, mingling with ease and being surrounded with people. She was born with a love for people. As a baby she always loved to smile at strangers and talk to people everywhere we went. She actually inspires me to be more loving and open towards others. Her smile melts my heart. And she has a laugh that is so contagious. It's one of those that is so hearty that her eyes squeeze shut and head falls back from the propulsion of the laugh coming out.

We're all the same, and yet so different

Did you know that it's an unwritten protocol that wherever you are, in whatever city, Costco employees all around the world draw big smiley faces on the back of your receipt if you have a child with you? I've hit at least a dozen different Costco's from coast to coast and in Hawaii, and it's all the same. Hmmm. Another reason why I love Costco.

For the past few nights we have been catching a show on one of those sci fi channels called "The Baby Human." It's fascinating what researchers uncover about the human brain and development through testing little babies. Like, did you know that babies only 4 months old can distinguish the slight sound variations in a particular foreign language, even ones that are not spoken in their household? As they get older, they lose this ability, because the brain begins to sift out the information that it doesn't need. There is also an age (around 18 months) when children begin to distinguish the difference between themselves and others. They recognize that others may have different desires from their own. And this is also when they begin to learn how to deal with differences between themselves and others. As I was listening to this I realized, I think that I must have missed this developmental stage completely. Why is it that I have such a hard time understanding how people could act so cruelly toward others? I especially have a hard time when I have to deal directly with people who show no respect or regard for others. Instead of thinking that they may just be another individual with different opinions (who can maybe be reasoned with), I just want to abandon contact with them completely. I wouldn't call myself conceited, but I guess I do also have a hard time understanding why people wouldn't just agree with me and be like me. Like why doesn't everyone have a Costco membership? And why doesn't everyone love NY? And why doesn't everyone believe there is a God? And why doesn't everyone recycle? But seriously, this is probably the root of all my relationship issues. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on myself. After all, don't we all have a bit of self-righteousness in us? I wonder though, why did I just completely skip that whole stage as a baby when you learn how to understand and resolve differences?

I hate heat. I don't care how much people complain about cold, snowy weather. Heat sucks. At least in the cold you can throw on more layers. In the heat, even if you go commando, you're still cooked meat. The one redeeming quality about summer: sandals and not having to wash and sort dozens of the girls' little socks. Try sorting and accounting for socks of 4 different sizes. If I have any more children, I've decided that we will all have to suck it up and wear sandals through the winter. And everyone in the family will have to agree with me on this one.

ME MEME MEME

I'm so delinquent in my writing these days. With birthday parties (our own and others') to plan and attend and the mommy bus hitting the road ever hour, there is little time for me to reflect on my life these days. As a parent, it feels like almost all my free time is spent thinking about/worrying about/planning my children's activities/schooling/future. That's why I'm thankful for my good friend CHA today, because without her I would have nothing of interest to share with you. Here's just want I needed, a new meme to start off the week.

What is your favorite word? Verdant (I also love saying the country names Cote d'Ivoire and Azerbaijan)

What is your least favorite word? Good. I use it way too often to describe my feelings, my day, my experiences. It's the first thing that jumps out of my mouth before I even give myself a chance to think. It's like an involuntary response and it's not good.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally? Delving into the Bible. Creatively, I would have to say good music. Emotionally, writing draws out thoughts and feelings I never knew existed.

What turns you off? Conflict. It's literally turns me off, as in total brain shutdown. I attribute this to my birthorder (being first born and raised as an only child during the majority of my childhood, until my brother came along 7 years later) and genetics (I come from a long line of conflict avoiders).

What is your favorite curse word? A$$ It's impossible for me to say without getting my whole face into it. Mine has a sort of slow Southern drawl when it comes out. Previously, I used to use "Bitch" a little too frequently. But it was always meant with the deepest respect and was only used on those I loved.

What sound or noise do you love? My children's singing. String instruments, particularly violin and cello. A simple trio will even move me to tears.

What sound or noise do you hate? Nagging. If you want something from me, just ask me nicely. Also, the sound of kids screaming. You would think I'm used to it by now, but it's still the thing that drives me insane.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Pastry chef

What profession would you not like to do? 1) Housekeeper/maid/janitor, 2) Telemarketer, 3) Pedicurist, 4) Proctologist, 5)Mortician, 6) Reptile handler, 7) Exterminator. Other than that, I wouldn't mind just about any other job.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Well done, my good and faithful servant.

On being Asian American and being an APA mom

Here's an interesting meme for Asian American parents.

1. I am:100% Korean-American - 100% Pusanian in fact. The little Korean that I speak is even tinged with a country accent. People can usually tell right away that I'm Korean, unless they're not attuned to the subtle differences between Asians.
2. My kids are:100% Korean-American. I'm not like one of those KA's that think their one duty is to keep their bloodline pure, but yes, I guess I did fulfill my Korean responsibility to marry Korean and produce Korean children.
3. I first realized I was APA when: the kids at preschool made fun of my small eyes and teased me with racially inappropriate and demeaning names. Mean girls start young. Also, I grew up in Texas. Let's just say that people there are not the most accommodating and tolerant.
4. People think my name is: unique. Even though anyone who can read at a second grade level should be able to pronounce it, people look at my name and just give up. I wanted to say to every teacher, each year on the first day of school, "It's pronounced the way it's spelled, moron." Now that I have a 2-syllable last name which has almost all the same letters in it as my first name, it sounds really confusing. It's like the Asian version of Sirhan Sirhan. I used to wish my whole life that I had a normal "American" name, but now my name is me and I would never dream of changing it.
5. The family tradition I most want to pass on is: roadtripping, particularly on trips that involve nature and camping. As much as I love big cities, I need to be within a reasonable driving distance to non-manmade nature. My dad has always been an avid roadtripper. The only change I've made to the tradition is to have accommodations and reservations made in advance before hitting the road and not try to cram in so many sites in one excursion. We really didn't have a lot of family traditions growing up because all of our extended relatives live in Korea, but what we did have growing up was a strong sense that we needed to stick together.
6. The family tradition I least want to pass on is: that darn hot-blooded Korean temper. And pushing my children to become piano prodigies by age 5.
7. My child's first word in English was: ??? I think it was mom. For some reason she has never called me "umma" (mom for Korean), but only calls dad "appa."
8. My child's first non-English word was: Appa. But it was not used in reference to dad. Joe went away for a week when Abby was 6 months and she kept calling for "appa." We were so amazed that she recognized that her appa was gone and was calling for him, until dad came back home a week later and she stared at him like a common stranger off the street.
9. The non-English word/phrase most used in my home is: meh-meh hakah? So sad. I can't believe the most common Korean phrase used is one that has to do with punishment. Actually, the kids use it more than I do on each other as a way to threaten each other when there's a dispute.
10. One thing I love about being an APA parent is: that we get the best of both worlds. We get to take the good from our Korean and our American cultures and hand them to our children in the form of traditions and values. Also, since there is no protocol for Korean American traditions, we get to pick and choose and make it up as we go along.
11. One thing I hate about being an APA parent is: that I'm still confused sometimes about what is best, the Korean way or the American way. The Korean way stresses the importance of depending on your family and placing family first, while the American way focuses on the individual and gaining more and more independence. I want both for my children, but making sense of two opposing cultures can sometimes be stressful. On top of that we also have the added pressure to preserve our culture and language and pass it onto our children.
12. The best thing about being part of an APA family is: The strong sense of family. It can sometimes be like an idol and can come with a lot of expectations, but there are a lot of rewards - for instance, undying loyalty and faithfulness. I went to Korea by myself after almost 20 years (I was an infant the last time I was there), yet my family was still family and loved and took care of me as if I had known them forever.
13. The worst thing about being part of an APA family is: The expectations that the older generation can sometimes have upon us. But somehow I think this may be a universal truth. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is doomed to fail in Korean culture. The MIL, the matriarch of the family, tends to have unrealistic expectations of her son and DIL. While the DIL is expected to submit to her MIL's authority. It's often hard to make sense of our two very disparate points of view.
14. To me, being Asian Pacific American means: that my actions, speech and thoughts are influenced by 2 extremely different cultures. Ultimately my nationality lies in heaven but my life is so rich with opportunities and experiences because of my dual "citizenship." I want my children to know, appreciate and be proud of their Korean culture even though they will grow up being surrounded by another culture. I also want them to know that who they are is much deeper than their skin or hair color.

Good night and good luck

Is it July already? How did summer come so fast? Are they already starting to pull out their fall merchandise at the stores? My husband just informed me the other day that the summer solstice already passed. Alas, the sun is setting earlier and earlier. And we haven't even broken out the grill yet.

All the news of looming terror threats started to get me a little anxious today. Plus it was the anniversary of the London Underground bombing. And didn't I just read something about a crazy man on the 1/9 subway attacking people with a chainsaw in Manhattan? Go away evildoers.

For the 4th we went out to dinner in K-town and had nengmyun and the most amazing paht-bingsu (it had shaved ice, paht, fruit cocktail, strawberry ice cream, fresh strawberries, fresh kiwi and tiny little marshmallow shaped dduk) with some friends, which was not very patriotic, but hey, it was freakin' hot. Plus, I asked around last week to see if other families were interested in seeing some fireworks together and I was turned down repeatedly. It must be just me, but if I know there's going to be a fireworks show, I'm there. Who can turn down fireworks? In the end we did get to see a fireworks show, because I made my husband pull over on some random street on the way home from dinner just to catch a glimpse.

That reminds me - I bought some fireworks a few weeks ago from the local Target. I figured if Target is selling them, then they must be legal, right? Well, I waited and waited and didn't hear anyone else setting anything off, so I got too chicken and didn't do it. I should just look up the local laws and figure out what they say, but who wants to set off fireworks after the 4th of July? Plus, someone will probably call the cops thinking it's a shooting or something. Really, is it just me who has a fascination with fireworks?

This week I started getting back in the dirt and working on the garden. By the way, what does is mean when you dream about your garden everyday? The 100 degree weather didn't even dissuade me. When I have things to work out, I like to work them out with a shovel and some dirt. I had a bunch of plants that I purchased earlier in the season that were still sitting in their pots, waiting to take root in the ground, but mainly what I did was replant some of the shrubs I planted last year with my dad. The afternoon sun is scorching my azaleas and gardenias. Plus, lantana should never be planted in a shady spot. What were the previous owners thinking? I need to get on another HGTV show so I can get my yard made over. Do you think America would recognize us again or get sick of us if we appeared on another show. I don't want to be another Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn and get too overexposed.

We had some friends in town over the weekend and while they were here, they helped us set up our new fish tank. I went with our friend one day to the pet store and was advised by him to just buy the accessories at first and set up the tank, so I can let the tank circulate and get ready for the fish. I went back a few days later, and this time the guy at the store prevented me from buying fish, because he said I have to let the tank's level balance out for at least a week before I add fish (something about the pH, nitrogen, ammonia something or other). Then he gave me a pamphlet to read and highlighted important instructions, so I can be prepared and educated enough to buy a fish the next time I come back. These are $2 fish. Give me a break. Will someone please just sell me a fish? I should just get a dog. It would be easier. So, in the meantime, our lonely 25-cent goldfish is swimming around in a very spacious 5-gallon tank with lovely stone boulders and foliage. I can tell he's loving it. He just went from a studio apartment to a 5,000 sq. ft. mansion with a view.

My girls are getting so demanding lately. The other day I was lifting Abby up and she said to me, "Mommy, you're not holding me properly." Excuuuse me. Sarah's even worse. She knows that I often don't hear her the first time and has now resorted to getting my attention by yelling, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I'm talking to you!" My girls are becoming so Diva. I can hardly handle it any longer.

I started backsliding this past week and having thoughts about having a third child. Mainly because I see Abby really starting to mature into a helpful older sister and Sarah is getting a bit more independent. But what if I give birth to another Diva? I've way surpassed my Diva tolerance limit. And global warming is really starting to concern me. It's settled. No more babies.

It's late and my stories are not very coherent or connected. I apologize. 'night.

Project #36

Our home is currently being repainted. I hate picking paint colors. When we decided to paint the rooms in our last place from boring white to X colors, I agonized over the paint colors for about 6 months. In the end, we decided on 7 different colors and we finally got it painted weeks before Sarah popped out, which was good, because I was not fond of the idea of having our newborn get high on paint fumes. Because it took us so long to choose colors we both liked and that evoked the specific mood we wanted to express in each room, we naturally leaned toward the same colors again when we moved into our new, old home, which was also a blank slate with walls covered in dingy white.

So, now that we are getting the exterior painted, we thought long and hard about changing the look of our home. Would it be the cool house that makes people stop and look? Would it be the house that makes cars stop and repulses passerbyers (hopefully not)? Would it be the one that looks classic and tasteful? The house was previously painted in various shades of gray (remember we have a 50s home) and although gray would not normally sound like an attractive color, we gravitated toward gray again. You know, it's funny, but you see families that have a certain theme color - they own cars in that color and even dress in the color. We are becoming the gray family. Not only is our home being painted in 2 different shades of gray, we also own 2 cars in different hues of gray/silver. But I love our gray home. Even though the colors are relatively the same as before, the house looks like it got a facelift.

I love that we live in a 50s home. Before we moved in, only one other family lived in our place. It's heartwarming for me to imagine the kids who grew up here and played here. I'm told the owner's son used to play war with his plastic military soldiers on our massive lava rock wall. It sounds cheesy and corny, but I can physically see and feel all the love and care that went into our home. Many of the new housing developments I visit lack that character, not just because it's new and unlived in, but because there was no heart put into designing the house. I hear that older homes are built to last as well. For one thing, the lumber that was used back then was harder and taken from more mature trees. Our home has withstood earthquakes and every stage of a family's life. It's amazing that we wound up in this home, because we originally had lost it to a higher bidder. But more than a month after we thought we had lost it, we received a call that the other people backed out. What was their loss became our gain. There is an amazing amount of emotional energy that goes into a home. It's not only where we hang our hat at night, it's where we feel safe enough to rest our heads and find refuge from the heat, the rain and the cold, and where we build the majority of our memories. When we demolished our old wet bar in the family room for the show reDesign, we found an old dateplanner from April 1956 behind the boards of the old cabinet. It was like an episode of "If Walls Could Talk." I would love to sit and hear all the stories our walls would tell if only they could - about tough times after war and prosperity in the horizon, birth after birth, bad days at school, learning to ride bikes, favorite hiding places, feuds and make-ups, anniversaries and birthdays, and letting go of little hands so they can grow up.

Childhood ambition: To grow old and gray
Fondest memory: Being loved by my owners everyday
Sountrack: Crowded House
Retreat: Anywhere away from the valley heat and in the shade
Wildest dream: Be on the show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Proudest moment: Closing escrow
Biggest challenge: Recovering after the earthquake of '94
Alarm clock: The sprinklers
Perfect day: A barbeque on the patio on a cool summer evening
First job: Samuels' residence
Indulgence: A fresh coat of creamy, new paint
Last purchase: A fresh coat of creamy, new paint
Favorite movie: Home Alone
Inspiration: The 50s
My life: Is my family
My card: Is American Express

You take the good, you take the bad...

I'm back from THE City. She was good. She didn't change too much and she still had so much to share. Our trip was packed to the brim. Did you expect any less? I think I am BEGINNING to realize that this may not always be the best. Seven days of travel is a bit of a stretch for two toddlers, especially in the city that never sleeps. I don't know how to even begin describing the amazingly satisfying trip we lived through. In many ways this trip mirrored life - there's the good, the bad and ... the miscellaneous. So, I thought the best and most efficient way of describing our journey would be to divide it into 3 categories.

Highlights from our trip:

• Children's Museum of Manhattan - a whole floor devoted to Dora and a water play yard
• Missing my 10 yr reunion, but getting the skinny from Suzi
• POP at the Bronx Zoo - hitting all 7 major rides/exhibits at the zoo and getting our money's worth
• Picnicking at Bear Mountain, which I kept calling Big Bear because I'm from SoCal, and sharing unwanted carbs with the geese.
• Good food - Good enough to eat brunch, NY deli, Gameok (best gakktugui kimchi in the world), Vietnamese, endless Italian, and of course Cha's meatloaf
• Not wanting to grow up at the world's largest Toys R Us, riding a ferris wheel INSIDE the store, and a Barbie mansion almost as big as our home
• Exploring Central Park - John Olmstead you are a genius
• Getting my Costco fix
• Being Cha's sous chef and catching up with New Hopers
• Adult conversation after the kids were down
• Natural History Museum - what is real and what is fake?
• Horse-drawn carriage around Central Park and taking in the skyline, which poked above all the trees
• 24-hour Mac store and the kids being brainwashed by Cathy Imo
• Getting ready to go out at night at 11, just the ladies (like the good old days)
• The 1/9 train uptown
• Broadway shake, new and improved fries, and kauwfee tawk among girls
• Enjoying Cuban food overlooking the dock at South Street Seaport
• Riding the Staten Island Ferry for free. "Hey, we're in Staten Island... Ok... Hmmm... Well... Time to get back on the ferry."
• Seeing Lady Liberty

Lowlights:

• Watching half of King Kong and never getting to the part with the gorilla
• Being outnumbered and overpowered by a swarm of toddlers, and tranquilizing them with Dora
• Jenny and Jimmy's encounter with a raccoon on the Sawmill, losing a bumper and an unfortunate visit to the ER
• Crazy, cacophonic, impromptu "jazz" at the park
• Learning that I can no longer buy tokens for the subway (and getting puzzled stares from the MTA attendant)
• Crosstown traffic and ridiculous parking fees
• Missing the Zephyr
• Suffering the wrath of missed naptimes
• Taking it all off and taking everything apart at the security check with 2 toddlers in tow

Randomness:

• Being regular again after a shopping trip to Target (now I know of 3 things that can make me go: bookstores, the internet and Target)
• Meeting colonials who think they're still living in the 18th century and talk about slavery a bit too much
• Fighting off mutant sheep with ram's horns and dog's tails, sawing lumber, cleaning lavender, milking angry cows and thrashing wheat
• Learning the difference between a heifer, a cow, an ox and a bull; and witnessing an adult try to explain the concept of neutering an animal to a group of kids
• Paying money so we can be suckered into doing work, again and again; do they have child labor laws in NY?
• Getting hit on by Billy Joel
• How many NYC public workers does it take to change a lightbulb in the train station? Seven. Two to climb up the ladders, one to clip his fingernails, and four to blow their whistles when the train comes.
• Learning from Queen Latifa and LL Cool J that you have to live your life to the fullest and not waste anything.
• Gaining sage wisdom and discovering that we are all cut from different cookie cutters.

Priceless.

What is the purpose?

I've been reading a book that another mom recommended to me. I'd rather not mention the title of the book, because I'm not sure how credible the book is yet and I'm embarrassed to tell people that I'm reading a book that might possibly be bogus or completely lame. You know you do it - when you see people hanging out on the street or at the doctor's office or airport and you check to see what book they're reading, you think to yourself... "Ah, they're one of those." We grow up being taught not the judge a book by its cover, but does anyone ever remind us not to judge a person by their book? I digress.

Anyhow, in said book it goes on to mention how children at the toddler stage are very curious and how everything they do has a certain purpose. Even ripping open the packaging around a toy and taking apart mom and dad's gadgets teaches them how things are put together. Does this make me a bad parent for stifling their curiosity and their young blossoming minds, because I won't let them destroy my home? Give me a break. I still haven't figured out what kind of lessons they are learning from tantrums (the kind with flailing and kicking body parts), screaming like banshees and annoying the heck out of their sibling over and over. Perhaps they will say that they need to express their emotions fully so they can learn how far they can drive their mother to the brink of insanity and the edge of reason. Ugh. Tough week.

Ok readers, I'm off to New York for a brief vacation. I'm done packing, but I still have a million things to do. This was my day: wake up to my alarm (kids yelling "I'm hungry!"), feed the kids and the fish, sort and wash 4 loads of laundry, finish packing, weigh suitcases to make sure they are under 50 pounds, repack suitcases, make lunch, break up fights (repeat every 10 minutes), bathe sweaty kids, put kids down for naps, bake cake for mother-in-law's birthday, make frosting, messily slop on chocolate frosting while fighting off chocoholic kids, take a shower, wrap presents, create 3 handmade cards, rush to meet in-laws for dinner, fight traffic on the I-5 and arrive only 5 minutes late, drop by Costco, hang out for dessert at in-laws', put kids to bed, clean house, fold laundry, wash dishes, blog, send emails, go to bed??? A mother's job is never done. And the saga continues tomorrow: not get any sleep tonight, run errands in the morning, go to a birthday party, pick up husband and bags from home and head quickly to the airport in order to catch the 5 hour flight to NY. Please God, please let there be no traffic all day in LA. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to maneuver the city with my girls and a double stroller. Can it be done? Stayed tuned to find out.

Party Girl

Okay, I seem to have a reputation for being somewhat of a party girl at our church. I hope not in a bad way. Am I the only one on this earth that thinks that it's not ridiculous to drive almost 2 hours each way for a second visit to Legoland, only 6 days after our first trip? The second time was free. We just had to fill up $50 worth in gas in the Odyssey.

School's out for summer and I'm ready to hit the beach, the city and whatever else this and any other town has to dish up. Bring it. In fact, the favorite pastime in our home lately is checking travel websites. Our latest vacation featured an incredible $99 rate at the Omni in San Diego. Whenever we see a good deal, Joe and I look at each other and think, "Hmmm, how can we take a vacation so we can seize another great deal?" I guess I like to think of myself as an opportunist rather than a "party girl." A party girl is a mere hangout slut who is willing to go anywhere and do whatever it takes to have a good time. For me, having a good time involves careful planning and optimal timing. Just call me the party geek.

The only drawback to my method of having fun is that I tend to pack it in, and those who happen to be on board my crazy ride through Wonderland often get dragged behind as innocent victims with no one to hear their cries. I am changing though. For one thing, my children force me to slow down. Darn naps. As a result, I have discovered that hotels can be a vacation in and of themselves.

Our next trip will be New York. I am so excited. When I think about seeing old friends, and what I want to do and see while I'm there, I get so anxious and then the party geek in me starts to come out. What do you think, Cha? Should I bring the karaoke mic with me or not? NY and I are like old college buddies. We have a lot of memories together and my life is forever changed by knowing her. Now I want my girls to get to know her and love her the way I do. For me, places are like people. Each place expresses its own persona and its own distinct style. Even the people who live there speak to their places in a different way (like in New Yo-hk) and respond disparately to they sights, smells, sounds and feel of their place. Just look at the differences in the way people drive in CA, NY and TX. Even the slow Southern drawl or the rough NY accent personifies the people. Is it that certain places attract particular types of people or that those places produce people with certain characteristics? Maybe both are true. I grew up in Texas where the Southern hospitality rubbed off on me, but I always itched to get out and was attracted to the prospect of going to NY for college. And now? I'm kicking back on the west coast with my permed hair blowing in the sea breeze. And I'm trilingual. I speak valley girl, manhattan, and hick.

A day to remember

Memorial Day
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

What better way is there to honor all the lives that were lost while fighting valiantly for our country than to go visit all the great historical monuments, only miniaturized and made of millions of Legos? I love Legos. Too bad they didn't have Legoland when I was growing up.

Well, after a satisfying vacation in sunny San Diego with some close families, we are back at home. The only thing better than hanging out until the wee hours of the night with good friends, beer and dried squid, is seeing your children have the time of their lives and build lasting friendships themselves. It was bittersweet as we rolled out of the driveway of the hotel. Even Abby complained that our 3 days away from home was ending way too soon. When asked how much longer she thought we should stay, she answered, "10 more minutes." It's funny how children's sense of time is all out of whack. She's always telling me stories about things that happened a long time ago, except in her mind, they happened "yesterday."

I know someday I will look back with fondness on this time that we spent with friends. And although this stage of childhood is one of the toughest on us as parents, it's one of the most blissful for our children, because they have very few cares or concerns in the world. In fact, at this stage, it doesn't take more than a cardboard box to keep a child happy. I think that's what I will cherish most about my children's childhood. There's nothing sweeter than the simple pleasures that are sought and enjoyed by a child (including a land made of Legos).

Family Ties

I think this may be the longest I've gone without writing. I had a jam packed week with my brother in town and a dreaded final to study for. It was fun and stressful all at once. We did everything from refinishing kitchen cabinets to the Getty to enjoying a day at the beach. Life is so difficult without family. God definitely put families on this earth to provide the tangible presence and support that He knows we need.

It's always good when I get to see my family, since it only happens once in a long while. Every time I see my brother, I see him less and less as my little brother, and more and more like a friend and co-conspirator. I used to doubt that my brother and I were really born from our parents, because in a lot of ways, we are so different from them (physically and mentally). The one assurance that I had that we were of the same blood was that my brother and I bear a resemblance to each other. It's amazing but he's finally come to the point in his life where he's thinking about and planning his own family. When I first heard from my mom that he is considering getting married in the next year, I was a bit concerned. Does he really know what he's doing at 24 years of age? Nevermind that I was that age when I got married. But that's different.

You don't think about it at the time, but there will be a day when you look back at your life and the years you lived without your spouse will be just a speck compared to all the time and experiences that you've shared with him/her. It's hard to imagine. Already at my ripe old age of 31, when I look back upon my youth, I realize there are only a limited number of people and memories I have that even approach in importance those that I've built together with my husband. So, choosing a spouse and lifelong partner is no small decision. Thank God I was too young to know better. If I knew what I know now, I think I would have stressed myself out over the whole prospect of marrying someone FOREVER. Years later when we discussed the possibility of having a baby, I was almost too freaked out about being someone's mom forever to have children.

So, my baby brother is thinking about getting married. His mind is set. He's in love. And I see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. It reminds me of me, eight years ago. Although, I hear more reason and less emotion in his voice than me, but hey, I'm a woman. I think if I were to share a bit of what I've learned from my 7 years of marriage with anyone who is considering marriage, it would be that marriage is not about you, or your desires to be with someone and be fulfilled. Instead, it's about the other person standing in front of you at the altar, and how you can serve and love them as Christ did for His church. I struggle all the time to remember and live this.

Happy Mother's Day

Yes, I guess that goes for me, too. This Mother's Day for me felt more special and more "mother-y." On Friday, Abby's preschool had a tea party for the mothers. It was especially sweet because Abby presented me with a handmade card and mug that she decorated herself. She was so proud of her creations. But what struck me the most was what she said about me when she stood with her class in front of all the moms. Her teacher asked each one of the kids in her class to say something about why they love their moms. The number one answer given was "Because my mommy helps me put my shoes on." Abby's answer though was unique and it touched my heart. She said, "Because my mommy plays games with me." On one hand, you might wonder why these preschoolers are all so self-centered. Maybe Abby was the only one not saying that I help her with her shoes, because I rarely help her put her shoes on. But really, what she said made me feel special, because she was saying to me that she appreciates the time I spend with her. Maybe the decision I made to be at home wasn't so wrong after all.

I've always wondered if I would be a good mother. I've always loved playing with kids and cuddling with little babies (especially the fat Buddha babies with sausage legs and no neck), but that doesn't mean I would be a good mom. There's a lot more to mothering than hugs and kisses. There are certain qualities I lack that are keys to being a good mother:

1. Nagging: I have this innate distaste for nagging and therefore am unable to nag others. Children need to be nagged. They need that constant voice teaching them wrong from right. Because I lack the gift of nagging, my children will either have to learn from their own mistakes or get it from their dad.
2. Baby talk: Mothers have a sweet gentle nature and can often soothe their own children with their voice. When Abby was first born I had a hard time communicating with her, because I didn't know how to talk to a being who couldn't respond or understand what I was saying. Talking to a newborn is much like talking to yourself, but in a retarded cartoon voice. On top of that, I felt all kinds of stress because all the doctors and books were saying how important it is to talk to your baby. Fortunately, my kids are huge talkers despite my inability to communicate with them when they were first born.
3. The third eye (and ear): Most mothers develop a third eye and a third ear that is tuned specifically to locate their own child's whereabouts and detect his/her distinct cry. Unfortunately for my children, I have only two of each, and they can only focus on one subject at a time and are unable to operate independently of one another. Sometimes playdates with other kids and moms make me nervous, because when I'm talking to another parent, I'm not really sure where my kids are or what they're doing. I've gotten better at switching back and forth between conversations and checking on the kids, but I often have choppy dialogues as a result. For those of you who have had a playdate with me and the kids, you know what I'm talking about.
4. Mothers are good and patient teachers: When it comes to difficult people, I often throw in the towel. In those situations I think to myself, "My life is too short to be fighting with people who are unwilling to work with me or are not on my side." The exception, of course is my own children. But even then, there are countless times when I want to quit and run the opposite direction. When I go to teach Abby something new and she gets frustrated with me, I feel like saying, "Fine, stay in diapers your whole life and don't learn to swim or read or write."

In my defense, here are the skills I do possess that are useful to my job as a mother:

1. I am able to wipe up any diaper disaster, no matter how colossal, with 2 wet wipes or less.
2. I can carry more kids, bags, keys, toys, drinks and snacks on my person at once than a mule.
3. I can coordinate 2 outfits for my 2 girls, from hairpins to shoes to coordinating cardigans, in under 5 minutes. Given an extra minute, I can coordinate one girls' ensemble with the other's.
4. My freezer and pantry are so stocked that I can prepare a meal for my kids in less time than Rachel Ray, without having gone to the market in 2 weeks.
5. I can take out just about any stain, excluding permanent marker.

So, I admit, the second list of skills is not quite as important. But they are impressive, aren't they? My kids, for better or for worse, are stuck with having a different kind of mom. The amazing thing is that being a mom is teaching me more than I could probably ever teach my own kids. I just pray everyday that God will help me develop the skills to be a better mom for them, conventional or unconventional.

Culinary Adventures

YUM
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

I decided that I don't have enough food photos on my blog site. Since I have been too busy to write, I will leave you with something to tempt your tastebuds. What you are looking at is a picture of thinly sliced tuna tartar in ponzu sauce (I think) with a tomato relish/salsa (much like ceviche), topped with a tower of paper thin sliced avocado and daikon sprouts. If you can't make it yourself, then you have to go to Katsu-ya and order it.

In remembrance

We just got back from dinner and a movie with only adults, which is rare for us. We saw United 93, which I wasn't sure I was prepared to see, but thought that I was going to have to see at some point. It was draining and intense. At the end of the movie we, along with the packed theater, were left sitting silent and stunned. Even from the very beginning of the movie I was in tears thinking about the imminent doom those innocent people would be stepping into. They were students, businessmen, retirees... just people with plans and a life to lead, like me.

We definitely haven't forgotten and the events that occurred less than 5 years ago that fateful morning still sadden us to tears. Sometimes it feels so easy to move on and forget our pain. After all, we endure the pain of labor once and are resilient enough to endure another child birth. And sometimes I'm reminded like I was today that the pain is still there. It's just worn with time and deeply embedded beneath years of war in a land that we will never truly understand. We will never really know what happened that morning in those planes, but I think United 93 helped me just a little to move on and to mourn and remember those whose lives were cut short. Like I've said before, we as humans are capable of so much love and at the same time so much destruction.

I hear Oliver Stone is working on another 9/11 film, which I'm sure will be followed by others. I'm not sure how much more I will be able to watch. Will Hollywood do justice to the thousands of lives lost that day or will it just desensitize and numb the public? I'm glad that at least this first movie didn't over dramatize the events or have much of an agenda. I felt like a helpless voyeur watching a tragic, inevitable murder.

Seven is a lucky number

Today is our seventh wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that seven years have already passed and that I've spend almost a quarter of my life married! A lot has happened and a lot has changed over these years. Honestly, I was a bit scared as this year approached, because isn't this when psychologists say that marriages typically meet a fork in the road and when they sometimes start to unravel?

When you are young, you have such an idealized view of the world. For girls, we dream about our wedding day and about having the perfect home with our perfect husbands. I'm not trying to say that it's not like that, but what I imagined in my youth was so one-dimensional and so naive. I never realized how much work a marriage would take. It takes constant maintenance and a constant commitment to grow together. Otherwise, even the tightest couple will start to drift in separate directions. And once you drift farther and farther apart, it becomes harder to find each other again. This is what I've learned in my seven years of marriage, thanks mainly to my husband who is the glue that holds our family together.

Seven years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. When I was a little girl turning seven, I was learning how to ride a two-wheeler, getting my ears pierced, and still discovering the world, which mainly consisted of the little cul-de-sac we lived on. In a way, I'm like that childish girl who still has a lot of learning and growing to do. I don't know what it is about seven years, but it definitely feels different and our understanding for each other and our relationship has deepened immensely. I'm just beginning to see a glimpse of what is in store for us in the future and I'm thankful everyday for our marriage and all the many things that have grown and flourished from it. Happy Anniversary, Joe.