When my husband and I got hitched a little over 7 years ago, we had no idea what we were getting into. We knew that I was a little messy and that he was a little loud, but how could we be SO STUPID? In my mind, nothing could go wrong. When someone asked one of us a question, we knew how the other would answer. We were inseparable and absolutely perfect for each other. When you look at the person you're about to marry, you never think about the fights you're going to have and about having fights about the same annoying things for years and years. Everything looks so rosy and perfect. But sometimes, it's true, we forget to love each other. We forget about the commitment we made to each other. Add work, children and in-law pressures to the mix and you have the makings for a true underdog story. Life isn't easy and marriage is even harder. You see so many failed marriages and those that have gone sour like overly-fermented kimchi.
I don't know how people stay married without God. Without God as the center of marriage, it becomes easy for OTHER things to fall into the center: self-pride, ambition and just selfishness. And without God, if my spouse doesn't meet MY needs or fit in with my agenda, then what's the point?
In my blog, you often hear me talking about fights with Joe. Fights are a normal part of marriage and I'm just more candid about having them. Also, I have more frustration than others when it comes to fighting, because 1) I never learned how to resolve conflict before meeting Joe, 2) I am stubborn and 3) I have a bad temper. Fortunately for me, I married the preeminent conflict resolution scholar. But sometimes our problems can be magnified, because in the area of conflict resolution, we are like Bush and Kim Jong Il. I think I may be Kim Jong Il in this analogy and Joe may be Bush, but not as red-neck and definitely not as stupid. I'm sure there's a better analogy, but I can't seem to think of one right now. Anyhow, it's amazing how we overlooked this MAJOR difference when we said "I Do."
To REALLY KNOW your spouse and still love him, AND to be known and still be loved is the key to marriage. Who else knows your faults and weaknesses, your aspirations and fears, and is still there by your side to support and love you? The problem is that to really understand the other person takes an immense amount of work. In my years of marriage I have found that the most difficult aspect is communication. For some reason, when I say one thing, my husband hears something else and vice versa. I wouldn't be surprised if for every hour of interaction we had together, there were at least 4 misunderstandings. Some of these could get overlooked or unnoticed and others could cause problems down the road. So often we think the other person in the marriage wants what we want or thinks the way we think. And then we get mad because the other person doesn't react the way we expect. I started reading this book by R.C. Sproul called
The Intimate Marriage, and in it Sproul challenges the reader to a test (you can try it at home): list 10 concrete things (needs/desires) on a sheet of paper that you would like your spouse to do for you. Then, on the back list 10 things you think your spouse would like you to do for him/her. Exchange papers and compare answers. If all 20 answers match, you were truly a match made in heaven. If not, then there's still room for improvement in communication.
Like a car, without regular tuneups things begin to fall apart in the relationship until the car stops going. So, this past week we had some talks and some fights about our relationship and what came out of it was so productive. We learned that we need to make time to communicate more, through talks, dates and family worship; and that we both truly want the best for each other. I know Joe loves me because he tries to be a better husband for me (with little and large sacrifices), he makes constant efforts to understand me, and he is completely devoted to me and the girls. I hope the next time we get into an argument, and unfortunately we will, I will remember these things about Joe and what we learned this week, and then try harder.
