Manic Monday

It's Monday again. Dread. I have so much homework again. Why does school always look so appealing when you're not in school? I took a class last semester that was so frustrating because the instructor wasn't good at teaching and didn't assign homework, so 80% of the class was lost all the time. In my evaluation at the end of the semester, I actually told the prof. to assign more homework, because almost every class was wasted having to repeatedly go over things a few of us already understood. Oh well, if he did take my advice, at least I'm not taking that class this year. So, this is my last semester of my program. I'm excited. Not only do I feel great about successfully completing the program, I have a lot to look forward to. I have a few projects lined up already and am getting validation from my peers and instructors that I have what it takes. I'm really nervous because I'm working on a friend's house right now and the installation is happening at this moment. I have a clear picture in my head of what I want it to look like, but I'm not sure how it will look in the end: did I choose the right plant material; are the plants I specified the correct size; will the hardscape be laid properly and complement the natural look I'm trying to achieve; will the flow of the yard be smooth and not awkward; and will the homeowners be able to enjoy the space and fully utilize it as I intended. There's just too much think about.

I had a hard week, partly because I had so much going on. I was trying to pack it all in and maximize all my time, and as a result I wound up neglecting the things that were important to me; the things that really matter: my family. I'm always making choices that at time seem to be good, but in the larger scheme of things, affect others. Almost all my decisions affect my family, even the mundane ones. Even the decision about whether to go to the market today will affect the quality of meals they consume for the rest of the week. My decision about whether I should pursue my career soon will affect schedules and inconvenience everyone.

In life, there is a balance. Even if we're not conscience of that balance, we feel it all the time. When our hormones are not in balance, we are emotional or irrational. When our schedules are not in balance, we feel out of control. When our quotient of give and take is not level, we feel drained or guilty. When our relationships are not balanced, people get disappointed and hurt. And when we are not in God's word, we find the temptation to sin far outweighs the will to do what is right. When I lack balance, I find myself easily tipping over.

In recent years I have found solstice in bonding with other Christian married women with children. Sometimes these women are the only people I know who understand all the pressing concerns that come with raising little developing brains and personalities. And I've gotten back in touch with the life I once had as a citizen of the work force. Finding my strengths in the work world I think has helped me be a better wife, because I am more at peace with my life and because I am able to reconnect with my husband in an area of our lives that was becoming more divergent. As a woman and a type-A personality, I want it all. I want to be a good mom and wife and landscape designer and church member and friend and pupil and daughter and sister and neice and whatever other roles I must fill. I must not disappoint anyone. But sometimes I feel like I'm disappointing everyone, especially the ones I care about most, because of my selfish desire to not want to disappoint anyone. How does this happen? This is yet another area of my life in which I need balance.

Life is hard. Have I said that before? Even when you have it as good as I have, it's still hard. I'm not saying my life is nearly as hard as the impoverished children in Africa. I am certainly blessed with more than I ever deserve. Life just seems far more complex than I ever wanted it to be. It's like my faith. I used to just love God like a child - simple and innocent. The more I study His word, the more unanswered questions I have and the more I feel agony for my sin. I do love Him more deeply because I understand His grace more and more, but it's not just a nice, love-dovey, one-dimensional, God-in-heaven type of feeling anymore. There's blood that had to be shed, there's disobedience, there's suffering. What pulls me up in the end? Knowing that God is the author and perfector of everything. Even my suffering and sin has an end - for His good purpose and His glory, so that we may enjoy Him forever. I endure it all for Him.