TWO GIRLS?!?

When I was five I imagined I myself as Lynda Carter on normal days and Wonder Woman on not so quiet days. By the time I was 10, I was an insecure mess, trying to be normal in a very Texan world (I realized sometime in my 20s after leaving TX that it was in fact TX that was not so normal). When I hit 20, I thought life could not get any better than living in NY and exploring new places, being exposed to new foods and cultures, and being inspired in a different way almost everyday. Before I was married, I dreamt about finding my life's partner and exploring the world. Before I had children, I contemplated just the two of us and all the freedom and fun we would have together for the rest of our lives. Who knew that I would someday be a mom to 2 girls?

Growing up I was surrounded by boys: my brother, most of my close friends, my husband (who comes from a family of boys and 6 uncles on his dad's side). I used to fight with my dad every Sunday about not wanting to wear a dress. I used to do ollies and skate on a half pipe. I have a low tolerance for drama and don't condone many of the tactics used by females to get their way. I have often been compared to a man. When I read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, it made no sense to me, until I examined myself through the perspective of the man. When I need to resolve issues, I am often the one that retreats to my cave.

When I found out I was pregnant, I almost knew that God was going to bring me a son. After all, I have been trained my whole life to deal with males and think like a male. I didn't believe the doctor's ultrasound, or even the handful of ultrasounds my husband did on me himself. Maybe my little boy was just a late bloomer, I thought.

It took a while for my transformation to who I am today. "SHE'S a GIRL!" I was constantly correcting passer-byers those first few months after Abby was born. How could I blame them; she was always dressed in green or gray, was balder than Yul Brynner and looked like Dom Deluise. I finally broke down and started buying pink.

I didn't even know how to talk to Abby after she was born. That voice that moms use with their babies - that was NOT me. But eventually I learned to communicate with my daughter. My voice did soften and sweeten around her and now my husband can't even tell when I'm talking to them or to him. I guess I have a hard time turning it off.

There was a time when my solution to whining was to yell, "STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" and then leave. Now I've learned to take a deep breath, listen to what is being said underneath the whining, and present alternative forms of communication.

Even my appearance has become more feminine. Someone recently told me that I started to dress better after having the kids. This doesn't usually happen after having kids, but I think I attribute it to being surrounded by more femininity. There are very few people on this earth that are more feminine or interested in being feminine than my Abby. I guess it's just natural that some of that would start rubbing off on me. Does that mean that mothers of boys start to dress in more khakis, polos and sweats?

Years ago, if you had asked me if I wanted children, I would have told you 3 boys. Now? I wouldn't have it any other way. I love having 2 girls and how they've changed me. In a way, they've made me a softer, more sensitive person. They bring out the best in me and let me know all the time that they want to cook like me, bake cakes like me, have long hair like me and someday be a mom like me. When I was little I used to say that I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Today, my daughter told me that she wants to be a mommy.

Not too late for love

It's been such a hectic month that I forgot to wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day. But since we are celebrating love and heart health all month, I know it's not too late. Appropriately enough, I've been reading back through my last several posts and they all seem to be about the topic (that and pee). Not to sound cheesy and fanatical, I LOVE Jesus. Studying Romans in depth through BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) this year has renewed my passion for Jesus. I recommend BSF for anyone seeking to have a closer relationship with God. They have separate men and women's studies all over the world. It's the best. Okay, that's my plug.

So, this Valentine's has reminded me of the amazing love I have in my savior, Jesus. His love covers my sins and makes me whole; it is my reason for living. And from that amazing and perfect love flows my ability to truly love everyone else: my husband, my children, my parents, my brother, my friends and even those I despise. Not only do we love Him because He first loved us (1 John 4:19), we are able to love Him because He first loved us. Also, from that love has grown the heaviness in the pit of my heart for those that don't know Him and those that turn away from Him. My heart is heavy with His love and with this grief.

Love don't come easy

Relationships are tough; everything from friends to family to marriage. Personalities clash. We tend to impose our expectations for ourselves on others. And of course, we are always the normal ones (in our mind's eye). We all go through a honeymoon phase, where everything about the other person is wonderful, fun and exciting (in friendships too). Even the other's supposed "faults" are not so unbearable, because we are willing to give the benefit of the doubt and overlook a lot. Then reality checks in. We get tired of the disappointment, the misunderstandings and the frustration. We are face to face with conflict; a pivotal fork in the road. Whether we choose to avoid conflict or confront it head-on will determine the future of the relationship. In marriage, if it hasn't happened already, 7 years is about the time when we often start to give up in small and large ways and go separate ways. In friendships, the rift can begin with even smaller, more petty things. It's just easier this way, we say. So often we make choices without volition. Seemingly, we don't choose anything and yet that in itself is an act - a declaration of disregard. We choose ourselves. Why do I talk about this? Because I struggle to wholeheartedly love my friends and family, and even my own husband. When God called us to love our neighbors, it was no small, simple task. I realize now, loving others is as easy as hating myself. Yet that's what it requires - not literally hating myself per se, but loving others that much more. I don't know if I'm able, at least not in this lifetime.

Unexpected love

I've been watching a slew of movies lately (we're watching films up for Academy Award nomination). Interestingly, even the ones not set in England seem to have British accents. It's the movie-makers way of making the characters sound foreign. There was one that stood out, which we totally didn't expect to be good. In fact, we didn't expect anything because we knew nothing about the movie to begin with. It turned out to be one of the most moving love stories. If you want to see and feel true love, watch The Painted Veil. I don't want to say anymore. Just see it.

The upside of anger

I haven't seen the movie, but I can predict what its message will be. Today I experienced anger... no, RAGE. To most it may not seem like anything to get my diaper bag all tied up in knots about, but to me, I was at the brink of going ballistic on this stupid, evil man. I was at Blockbuster, just me and the kids. I had to return a movie and decided to run in quickly with the kids and pick up a movie for me and for them. As usual, it was taking longer than expected to make a decision and the kids were getting antsy. They started playing and I had to repeatedly rebuke them. Honestly, they weren't all that bad, but I just wanted to make sure they didn't get hurt or damage anything in the store. So, I'm perusing the aisles and I see this man give me a dirty look, but I keep moving on. His phone rings and he starts talking business with someone on the phone. Looking bothered, he passes by my kids and mumbles something, which I didn't hear. And then he says very audibly to the person on the phone (so I can hear), "I'm sorry, there are these kids and their mom can't control them." But he's saying it in an annoyed, passive aggressive tone. I can maybe understand this type of response if my kids were being rowdy, but they were making a little noise, as children oftentimes do. I chase after him and say, "Excuse me, excuse me. I'm doing everything I can to keep my kids in order, and there is no reason to be so rude!" He says to me that this is a place of business and that I should keep them quiet and then walks off. The thing that gets me is that this is Blockbuster. There is music and previews playing over the loud speaker and if he wants some peace and quiet for his stupid phone call, he should just GET OUT! What is up with people?! Why do they insist on being so rude?

For everyone who's ever given a mom with kids a dirty look on a plane, or in a check out line, or at the mall, or anywhere, SHAME ON YOU! Get a clue. You do not own this f***ing planet. We are people too, who, by the way, are just trying to live and make it through the day like anyone else. Anyway, after my rant, I came home and called a friend and she assured me that I did nothing wrong, but it was just that poor man's inability to be gracious to others. People are just mean. I sometimes have a hard time understanding this, because I often expect people to be conscientious of others. I am disappointed repeatedly, as I was today. Next time I cross paths with that man or anyone who has something to say about how obnoxious my children are, I will just look at them sadly and say, "I feel so sorry for you."

Pee-pee or Poo-poo

For those of you who have been following my potty-training woes, I have some progress to report. "What the?!!" you exclaim, "You're still potty training that girl?!!" It appears that my younger daughter has made it her life mission to never ever give mom a break. I'm sentenced to a life of wiping butts, I'm afraid. All this time I thought she simply didn't like going to the potty (for whatever reason), and now I find that it's just too inconvenient for her to get her little rear over to the bathroom when she feels the urge. Let's just say that she's the type of girl that doesn't like to be rushed - not to eat, not to get dressed, not to clean, not to answer her parents, not ANYTHING. I weep for her future husband. So, instead of going to the toilet before the pee comes out, she will sometimes do this thing, which tells me that she should really just go in the toilet. When we're at home she will go to the bathroom, but only when she gets good and ready and then she proceeds to remove her pull-up. By this time it is fully saturated and there is no point to her being in the bathroom. Her next step is to grab a clean pull-up and change herself. At least that part of my job has gotten easier. To add to my madness, she likes to keep me on my toes and surprise me with a little game of Guess what's in my diaper. Sometimes she tells me she went pee when there's actually poo or vice versa. So, everytime I go with her to change her diaper, it's a mystery: will it be solid or is it wet or perhaps, a little of both? I don't like being unprepared before I open that diaper. It's like coming dressed in jeans and walking in to find the event is a black tie formal, or training for months for hand-to-hand combat and finding out that the enemy has just released a nuke on you. Why me?!!!

Well, here's when I get to the good news. This week was the first week that Dora has been going up the mountain faster than Swiper. (If you remember back months ago, I had made a diagram in the shape of a mountain with 2 opposing moveable figures on either side: Dora the Explorer and Swiper the Fox. Everytime Sarah successfully goes in the potty, Dora advances a step up the mountain. If she soils her diaper, Swiper gets to move). Way back in the beginning, I tried to get Sarah to dream and set her sights on the amazing prize she was going to win if Dora made it to the top of the mountain first. It didn't take much time for me to realize that this method was probably going to get old before we ever witnessed Dora's first victory. Again, remember that she is not motivated by getting anywhere fast or first. Well, I am happy to report that pretty soon I expect Dora to finally make that long, arduous climb to the top of the mountain before that sneaky old fox. Of course, this does mean that I'm going to have to anty up and get her something really good.

For lack of a better title: Happy New Year

Goodbye 2006
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

I don't really think it is, but I will endure another one. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to look forward to this year, but I just sometimes dread the weight of a new year. A new year means new responsibilities and new challenges. It's hard enough getting through all the things I've left unfinished and all that is still left to start. I definitely don't need new pressures. This year I pretended like January 1 was the same as December 32, 2006. I've decided that I don't even like New Year's celebrations anymore. Who wants to be at a crowded party in the middle of the night. No thanks. This whole season exhausts me. Maybe part of my crankiness is due to the fact that I couldn't see my family this season.

Anyhow, 2006 wasn't all that bad. Looking back, there were plenty of wonderful memories. For a moment, I forgot about all the smiles I had, until I started sifting through the thousand and thousands of photos I have saved away on my computer. I wanted to post some of my favorite moments here and share with you some of my smiles from 2006 (just click on the photo to view my Flickr album).

Thanks

It's finally approaching the end of 2006, and the time when my brain shuts down for vacation until sometime next February. Am I the only one who finds it hard to get it together at the end and beginning of every year? This year I am thankful for my wonderful family, in Texas and here in Cali, especially for my loving husband, whom I never tire of getting to know better. I am so blessed to be surrounded by a loving church family, full of women who I feel care for my well-being (and can party hard) and brothers who are willing to put up with our party lifestyle, an enriching year for me and the children, getting through many busy weeks filled with classes and various extracurricular activities for the girls, getting back to the Bible through BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), positive changes and more stability with Joe's job, and just being happy and healthy this year. I don't take any of it for granted and owe it all to God.

Now excuse me while I hibernate and recharge for 2007.

Happy Birthday Bro

My baby brother is now 25 years old. Happy Birthday AND congratulations on getting engaged AND on finally graduating - three big things to celebrate this year!

Here are some famous people with whom you share a birthday:

77 Berry Gordy Jr. - Motown Records founder, 70 Gary Hart - Former U.S. senator, D-Colo., 66 Bruce Channel - Singer-songwriter, 64 Paul Warfield - Football hall-of-famer, 63 Randy Newman - Singer-songwriter, 60 Joe Dante - Movie director, 57 Paul Shaffer - Bandleader (''Late Show With David Letterman''), 56 Ed Harris - Actor, 53 Michael Chertoff - Secretary of homeland security, 50 Kristine Arnold - Country singer (Sweethearts of the Rodeo), 47 Judd Nelson - Actor, 45 Alfonso Cuaron - Director (''Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban''), 44 Matt Cameron - Rock musician, 44 Jon Stewart - TV host (''The Daily Show''), 39 Anna Nicole Smith - TV personality, 38 Dawn Robinson - R&B singer, 28 Aimee Garcia - Actress (''George Lopez''), 27 Chamillionaire - Rapper, 18 Scarlett Pomers - Actress (''Reba'')

Who knew you shared so much in common with Anna Nicole Smith?

What if...

After much deliberation, Joe and I have decided to stop at 2 kids. I packed up clothes, toys and gear that the girls have outgrown and even got rid of some things, including our Pack N Play. This weekend I had a night out with the girls and some drinks. Yesterday I was feeling nausea. And now, I'm late. I got rid of baby stuff, had a night of drinking, have been feeling nauseous, and am late. What if... This is not looking good.

Highlights from home

Things that remind me to be thankful for what I have:

1. Painstakingly making peanut butter sandwiches shaped like hearts and lovingly packing them in your child's lunch box. Then being told by your child that she refuses to eat peanut butter and jelly. What child doesn't eat PB & J? Tough cookies, toots. You should be happy I'm not sending you to school with breaded chicken liver.
2. Finally making it to the end of another semester of classes and still loving what I'm doing. Tonight we have to present our final design for our projects. I'll let you know how it goes.
3. Getting my husband back after a long weekend apart. Not only was I happy that he had a good time with his friends in Vegas, I was also glad to see that he came back with the same amount of cash in his wallet as when he left.
4. Eating the most mouth-watering, sensual sushi at Katsuya last night (the raw sweet scallops were practically R-rated). Is it a sin to lust after sushi?
5. Witnessing my baby's first successful poo in the potty. [chorus sings: Hallelujah] And it was a big one. Am I glad that didn't wind up in her diaper for me to have to clean.

It's gonna be a good week. I can feel it already.

One womb, two woes

It sometimes amazes me how different my 2 girls are. Not only do they look so different (to me), their personalities couldn't be more opposite. For instance, Abby has a temper and can sometimes be impatient. Sarah is more slow to anger and although she is going through her terrible 2's, she diffuses fairly quickly. Abby is loud and bold (we know who she gets this from) and Sarah is mild and meek. Abby is outgoing and sociable, Sarah is suspicious and introverted. When Abby started school last year, she was so happy to go everyday that she barely even noticed or cared about us leaving when we dropped her off. She was like this from the first day. It amazes me how highly adaptable she is. Sarah on the other hand loved school the first week and then decided the second week that she no longer wanted to leave mommy's side anymore. For the past week or so, she has been crying and screaming when we go to drop her off (it's even worse when I'm the one leaving her). On the days she's not in school, I talk about school and prepare her for the next day she has to go. All of us, Abby included, have been hyping it up. Abby even helps me take Sarah to her classroom first, so she can see that Abby is being dropped off too. So, this morning I thought she would be better. I left ample time to allow her to adjust, and Abby helped me soothe her. She whined and fussed, and as soon as I left, she began to scream. And instead of going to her, I ran... away. As fast as I could. I did all I could to assure her that I would not leave her for long and that she would have fun, but really what more could I do? Feeling guilty, I popped my head back through the door about 5 minutes later to check back on her. Once I saw the teacher give me a wink, I knew that everything was fine. According to the teacher, within a few minutes after I left, she was playing with her friends and eating snacks. She was just putting up an act. There's one thing my girls do have in common, and that's shear drama.

Thoughts about schools

The discussion about public versus private schools is always going on in our home lately. Next year our little girl will be entering kindergarten. Interestingly, I have come from being a staunch proponent of the public school system, to a supporter of private school education, and then back to public again. From my observations, private schools generally contain children from 2 different family backgrounds: 1) those that highly value education and/or 2) those that have loads of disposable income. Public schools, on the other hand, contain a different mix: 1) those that value education as an opportunity to gain more than textbook knowledge or 2) those who don't want to be there, but don't have a choice. I want a school that contains children from both #1's, without the #2's. I am even considering becoming one of those moms that commutes almost an hour each way to send my child to school. Is this crazy? I mean, how different will the outcomes really be for my children if they attend the public school down the street, versus the prestigious (and highly academic) private school a bit farther off, versus the "ideal" school over the hills and through the traffic-filled woods? As I ponder this, I realize that our decision on where to send our child is influenced less by what the school teaches, and more by the type of peers my child will interact with. Children will all learn to read and write in their own time, but the values they pick up these formative years, those are hard to change. These values become a part of their thinking for the rest of their lives. Who I am, including my insecurities, my self-confidence, and my perception of myself in relation to the world was and is shaped by the people around me. So, to me, it makes sense to think this way. Am I thinking too much into this issue and am I trying too hard to control every unknown in my children's future? Maybe so. But this could be one of the most important decisions we make for our children, especially since, if we were to go the private school route, this could possibly be the school they attend until they leave for college. I am grateful that we have the option to send our children to private school (as long as we don't have any more unintended mishaps). The choices among the over 70 private schools in the area, however, range the whole spectrum - on one end you have the school that boasts of famous and highly esteemed alumni such as Paris Hilton, and on the other you have the earthy, "anthroposophic" school that emphasizes healthy play and artistic learning. Ultimately, I want my children to go to a school that values my child's education as a high priority and inspires them to reach their highest potential. Every parent wants the same, but how a school achieves these goals is what parents differ on the most.

Officially becoming an adult

I consider myself an adult because I have:

1. learned to set goals for myself and at least make a plan to achieve them.
2. more often tried to choose what's good for me over what I really want. And sometimes these choices have become more automatic.
3. had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex for more than a year and not killed him (yet).
4. planned a trip from start to finish and included all the essentials (I'm getting good at this one).
5. stopped getting carded by the grocery store checkout guy (even though it says they have to ask EVERYONE that looks under 36 or 37).
6. fallen out of MTV's target age group. All of a sudden in the past few years, MTV has become progressively more stupid to me.
7. developed a severe distrust and fear of teenagers.
8. made Costco my first place to shop. If Costco had a wedding registry when we were getting married, you know I'd be all over that.
9. stopped needing to get somewhere or do something ALL the time.
10. learned to savor the good things in life: such as time with those you love and time without those you love.
11. lost the desire to listen to loud music, drink excessively, and ride life-threatening roller coasters.
12. had a live baby come out of me (twice) and given all that is within me to raise them.
13. taught a child something useful.

And finally, I can now say that I've planned and executed 2 semi-formal dinner parties, one of which I planned the menu and prepared the food for as well. After 7 years of marriage, I pulled out flatware and dinnerware that I didn't think I'd ever see again. And all of a sudden I felt so different, as if all my childhood tea parties and pretend banquets had been preparing me for this moment. I know I'm already an adult, but suddenly I feel more official. I feel as if I've entered a new stage of adulthood... "formal (dinner party) adulthood."

Men are from Mars

Some of the ladies and I were talking about doing something for our husbands. Something nice. What do men want? When men think about presents for their wives, they automatically go to gadgets and electronics, things they themselves would appreciate. And when women try to find the perfect gift for their man, they think of things like massages at a spa and a nice dinner. I guess it's all part of our inability to put ourselves in the other sex's shoes. So, some of the ladies suggested a spa day for our men. What did the men come up with instead? A trip to the shooting range followed by a satisfying steak dinner. Could men and women be any more different?