Who's the Boss

It's May the what? It's hard to believe, but my big girl is graduating from Kindergarten already in just a few short weeks. I've included a link of her Kindergarten school news station debut. Kids. I think they exist to amaze and challenge us everyday. They remind us of where we came from and how we should look at things. For Mother's day Abby made me a wonderful book at school about all my favorite things... my favorite color (green), my favorite food (sushi)... and my favorite thing to do when I have time to myself.... "kill the gophers." Huh? Where did that come from? I guess I do spend a lot of time trying to rid my garden of pesky gophers. It's hilarious how children perceive the world.

As I sit here, waiting patiently and longingly for the AC repair man to save me from this torrid weather, I scream quietly inside. He tells me when he's coming (somewhere between 3:00 pm and whenever he feels like it), and I sit. I sit. And I sit waiting. I can't make him come any faster and if I get mad at him, he may decide to not show at all. And then who's laughing? I am totally and completely at his mercy. Who exactly is in charge here? I'm a paying customer, right? But who's the one sitting at home with no AC. I left my job to be at home with the kids and decided that I didn't want to work for someone else anymore. I had had enough of dictatorial supervisors and office politics. I want to be my own boss, I said. Except, I'm not really the boss. I still have to answer to my clients. They're the ones that have the money and can tell me they do or don't like my work. So, I ask myself, who's really in charge? CEO's still answer to the board, adults answer to their spouses or to their children (sometimes), and the fate of my comfort lies in the hands of an AC repair man. It's this vicious race we are bound to run in as humans. We run and run trying to lead the pack to find that we are all really just running in one big circle with no finish line. Why don't we all just stop running? Then we could just get fat and sit in one big happy circle - just a thought I had while I was in the carpool lane this afternoon.

Just Do It

If I were to choose a motto for my life, that would be it. I'm a doer. In fact, I often feel uncomfortable and anxious if I'm not doing something. When we were shopping around for houses, it was the completely remodeled, move-in ready homes that made me feel uneasy. Give me a cosmetic fixer in need of a little TLC any day. And when I want to show someone my care, I don't tell them. To me, actions speak louder than words. That is why I do the meals on wheels ministry for new moms at our church. I'm just not that good at calling people, asking them how their delivery went and all that. I'm concerned, but the only way I know how to show my care and concern is to do something: bring a meal, help around the house, etc... And gifts are just things you buy with money. Anyway, I'm giving this whole personal history, because I feel this is the source of many of the problems I have with people, namely my family... namely my older daughter. Joe on the other hand, isn't concerned with all those things. He just listens and comforts and gives Abby what she really needs. To give a Biblical analogy - I'm Martha and Joe is Mary.

Today was the first day of Kindergarten for Abby. Was I sad? Did I soak in every moment? Not really. Best laid plans aside, I had a horrible time: from trying to get Abby up 2 hours earlier than her body naturally wants to wake up, trying to get myself up early after very little sleep (mainly because I was so nervous about having everything ready), spending time making a breakfast that she was not in the mood to have today, fighting about hairdos, and dealing with bad drivers and the mayhem of finding parking on the first day of school. I, like Martha, was so consumed with all the preparations that I wasn't able to enjoy this very important moment for my daughter. I spent so much time preparing so this moment would be just right and when nothing did go right, I was left with nothing but disappointment. Joe on the other hand, was not stressed about being late, or hair or clothes or breakfast or anything. He was just thinking about Abby and her first day and making it special for her. I think Abby would actually appreciate me more if I stopped doing things like making her lunch and braiding her hair, and started just paying more attention to her and being by her side. I was born to be a Martha though. Doing is what I do best. Unfortunately, the things that I'm good at giving to my daughter, I fear, are secondary to the things she really needs and appreciates.

When I grow older losing my hair, many years from now...

That's a song I used to love in my youth. It's fun to sing songs about growing old when you're young. Not so fun now that I'm growing older. Also not fun is realizing that your jokes are not translating the way you want to the younger, hipper crowd. (Also not hip: using vocabulary like "hip.") For example, I decided recently that I wanted to resurrect some one-liners from television and movies that I thought were great during their heyday. One such quote is, "Have mercy." Perhaps I don't have John Stamos' delivery, but I just don't seem to be getting the gut-busting, side-splitting response that I had anticipated. Another sign of my progressing age: I go to neighborhood watch meetings and plot to catch loitering cars parked with teenagers in them. I hang out with 50 year-olds in my classes and talk about horticulture. The other day I said to my husband, "I could spend all day at the [plant] nursery." I love to go on and on about all the cool options my minivan has. Yesterday I had fun reminiscing with a man I was sitting next to about 8-tracks, and the funny thing is that I was born in the cassette tape era. My idea of luxury is hanging out at a Korean bath house and getting my butt scrubbed. Lately, I have, more often than not, looked around and found myself in a room or venue full of old Jewish people. Who am I?

I made a pact with myself starting this past year that I would embrace every year as I'm living it. I will not long for the past nor will I dread the future. Even when my kids go around bragging that their parents are the most weird and uncool adults on earth, I hereby promise not to: wear ultra mini-skirts (unless my husband requests me to wear them), shop at Forever 21 (or any other store that contains greater than 50% Lycra), text incessantly in secret languages for no apparent reason, pimp my ride to get attention at preschool drop-off/pick-up, borrow from my daughters' wardrobes (unless it looks better on me than them), and take a knife or needle to my face or body. Check back in with me in another decade or so and see how I'm doing with these. And feel free to remind me anytime you see me backsliding. Just a gentle tug on the back of my Lycra/spandex/viscose miniskirt will do.

TWO GIRLS?!?

When I was five I imagined I myself as Lynda Carter on normal days and Wonder Woman on not so quiet days. By the time I was 10, I was an insecure mess, trying to be normal in a very Texan world (I realized sometime in my 20s after leaving TX that it was in fact TX that was not so normal). When I hit 20, I thought life could not get any better than living in NY and exploring new places, being exposed to new foods and cultures, and being inspired in a different way almost everyday. Before I was married, I dreamt about finding my life's partner and exploring the world. Before I had children, I contemplated just the two of us and all the freedom and fun we would have together for the rest of our lives. Who knew that I would someday be a mom to 2 girls?

Growing up I was surrounded by boys: my brother, most of my close friends, my husband (who comes from a family of boys and 6 uncles on his dad's side). I used to fight with my dad every Sunday about not wanting to wear a dress. I used to do ollies and skate on a half pipe. I have a low tolerance for drama and don't condone many of the tactics used by females to get their way. I have often been compared to a man. When I read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, it made no sense to me, until I examined myself through the perspective of the man. When I need to resolve issues, I am often the one that retreats to my cave.

When I found out I was pregnant, I almost knew that God was going to bring me a son. After all, I have been trained my whole life to deal with males and think like a male. I didn't believe the doctor's ultrasound, or even the handful of ultrasounds my husband did on me himself. Maybe my little boy was just a late bloomer, I thought.

It took a while for my transformation to who I am today. "SHE'S a GIRL!" I was constantly correcting passer-byers those first few months after Abby was born. How could I blame them; she was always dressed in green or gray, was balder than Yul Brynner and looked like Dom Deluise. I finally broke down and started buying pink.

I didn't even know how to talk to Abby after she was born. That voice that moms use with their babies - that was NOT me. But eventually I learned to communicate with my daughter. My voice did soften and sweeten around her and now my husband can't even tell when I'm talking to them or to him. I guess I have a hard time turning it off.

There was a time when my solution to whining was to yell, "STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" and then leave. Now I've learned to take a deep breath, listen to what is being said underneath the whining, and present alternative forms of communication.

Even my appearance has become more feminine. Someone recently told me that I started to dress better after having the kids. This doesn't usually happen after having kids, but I think I attribute it to being surrounded by more femininity. There are very few people on this earth that are more feminine or interested in being feminine than my Abby. I guess it's just natural that some of that would start rubbing off on me. Does that mean that mothers of boys start to dress in more khakis, polos and sweats?

Years ago, if you had asked me if I wanted children, I would have told you 3 boys. Now? I wouldn't have it any other way. I love having 2 girls and how they've changed me. In a way, they've made me a softer, more sensitive person. They bring out the best in me and let me know all the time that they want to cook like me, bake cakes like me, have long hair like me and someday be a mom like me. When I was little I used to say that I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Today, my daughter told me that she wants to be a mommy.

Highlights from home

Things that remind me to be thankful for what I have:

1. Painstakingly making peanut butter sandwiches shaped like hearts and lovingly packing them in your child's lunch box. Then being told by your child that she refuses to eat peanut butter and jelly. What child doesn't eat PB & J? Tough cookies, toots. You should be happy I'm not sending you to school with breaded chicken liver.
2. Finally making it to the end of another semester of classes and still loving what I'm doing. Tonight we have to present our final design for our projects. I'll let you know how it goes.
3. Getting my husband back after a long weekend apart. Not only was I happy that he had a good time with his friends in Vegas, I was also glad to see that he came back with the same amount of cash in his wallet as when he left.
4. Eating the most mouth-watering, sensual sushi at Katsuya last night (the raw sweet scallops were practically R-rated). Is it a sin to lust after sushi?
5. Witnessing my baby's first successful poo in the potty. [chorus sings: Hallelujah] And it was a big one. Am I glad that didn't wind up in her diaper for me to have to clean.

It's gonna be a good week. I can feel it already.

Thoughts about schools

The discussion about public versus private schools is always going on in our home lately. Next year our little girl will be entering kindergarten. Interestingly, I have come from being a staunch proponent of the public school system, to a supporter of private school education, and then back to public again. From my observations, private schools generally contain children from 2 different family backgrounds: 1) those that highly value education and/or 2) those that have loads of disposable income. Public schools, on the other hand, contain a different mix: 1) those that value education as an opportunity to gain more than textbook knowledge or 2) those who don't want to be there, but don't have a choice. I want a school that contains children from both #1's, without the #2's. I am even considering becoming one of those moms that commutes almost an hour each way to send my child to school. Is this crazy? I mean, how different will the outcomes really be for my children if they attend the public school down the street, versus the prestigious (and highly academic) private school a bit farther off, versus the "ideal" school over the hills and through the traffic-filled woods? As I ponder this, I realize that our decision on where to send our child is influenced less by what the school teaches, and more by the type of peers my child will interact with. Children will all learn to read and write in their own time, but the values they pick up these formative years, those are hard to change. These values become a part of their thinking for the rest of their lives. Who I am, including my insecurities, my self-confidence, and my perception of myself in relation to the world was and is shaped by the people around me. So, to me, it makes sense to think this way. Am I thinking too much into this issue and am I trying too hard to control every unknown in my children's future? Maybe so. But this could be one of the most important decisions we make for our children, especially since, if we were to go the private school route, this could possibly be the school they attend until they leave for college. I am grateful that we have the option to send our children to private school (as long as we don't have any more unintended mishaps). The choices among the over 70 private schools in the area, however, range the whole spectrum - on one end you have the school that boasts of famous and highly esteemed alumni such as Paris Hilton, and on the other you have the earthy, "anthroposophic" school that emphasizes healthy play and artistic learning. Ultimately, I want my children to go to a school that values my child's education as a high priority and inspires them to reach their highest potential. Every parent wants the same, but how a school achieves these goals is what parents differ on the most.

Empty nest

I finally have the house to myself. No kids. No husband. Why? Because, starting today my youngest is in school 2 days a week. I debated about this decision for many long months. I wanted to keep her home as long as possible, but now I see the benefit of going out and making new friends, learning new things from skilled teachers, and having a daily routine (things that I couldn't give her). I fully intend to use my free time taking care of myself, doing classwork, being productive and just enjoying myself, in the hopes that this will all make me a better and happier mom. It doesn't get much better than this moment right now. I don't have the pressure of work, nor do I have the pressure of kids. Plus with Sarah halfway potty trained and Abby going into kindergarten next year, my work is almost done, right? Somehow I don't think I'm off the hook just yet, but I'm tasting the good life more and more each day, and it tastes mighty sweet.