Family Ties

I think this may be the longest I've gone without writing. I had a jam packed week with my brother in town and a dreaded final to study for. It was fun and stressful all at once. We did everything from refinishing kitchen cabinets to the Getty to enjoying a day at the beach. Life is so difficult without family. God definitely put families on this earth to provide the tangible presence and support that He knows we need.

It's always good when I get to see my family, since it only happens once in a long while. Every time I see my brother, I see him less and less as my little brother, and more and more like a friend and co-conspirator. I used to doubt that my brother and I were really born from our parents, because in a lot of ways, we are so different from them (physically and mentally). The one assurance that I had that we were of the same blood was that my brother and I bear a resemblance to each other. It's amazing but he's finally come to the point in his life where he's thinking about and planning his own family. When I first heard from my mom that he is considering getting married in the next year, I was a bit concerned. Does he really know what he's doing at 24 years of age? Nevermind that I was that age when I got married. But that's different.

You don't think about it at the time, but there will be a day when you look back at your life and the years you lived without your spouse will be just a speck compared to all the time and experiences that you've shared with him/her. It's hard to imagine. Already at my ripe old age of 31, when I look back upon my youth, I realize there are only a limited number of people and memories I have that even approach in importance those that I've built together with my husband. So, choosing a spouse and lifelong partner is no small decision. Thank God I was too young to know better. If I knew what I know now, I think I would have stressed myself out over the whole prospect of marrying someone FOREVER. Years later when we discussed the possibility of having a baby, I was almost too freaked out about being someone's mom forever to have children.

So, my baby brother is thinking about getting married. His mind is set. He's in love. And I see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. It reminds me of me, eight years ago. Although, I hear more reason and less emotion in his voice than me, but hey, I'm a woman. I think if I were to share a bit of what I've learned from my 7 years of marriage with anyone who is considering marriage, it would be that marriage is not about you, or your desires to be with someone and be fulfilled. Instead, it's about the other person standing in front of you at the altar, and how you can serve and love them as Christ did for His church. I struggle all the time to remember and live this.

Happy Mother's Day

Yes, I guess that goes for me, too. This Mother's Day for me felt more special and more "mother-y." On Friday, Abby's preschool had a tea party for the mothers. It was especially sweet because Abby presented me with a handmade card and mug that she decorated herself. She was so proud of her creations. But what struck me the most was what she said about me when she stood with her class in front of all the moms. Her teacher asked each one of the kids in her class to say something about why they love their moms. The number one answer given was "Because my mommy helps me put my shoes on." Abby's answer though was unique and it touched my heart. She said, "Because my mommy plays games with me." On one hand, you might wonder why these preschoolers are all so self-centered. Maybe Abby was the only one not saying that I help her with her shoes, because I rarely help her put her shoes on. But really, what she said made me feel special, because she was saying to me that she appreciates the time I spend with her. Maybe the decision I made to be at home wasn't so wrong after all.

I've always wondered if I would be a good mother. I've always loved playing with kids and cuddling with little babies (especially the fat Buddha babies with sausage legs and no neck), but that doesn't mean I would be a good mom. There's a lot more to mothering than hugs and kisses. There are certain qualities I lack that are keys to being a good mother:

1. Nagging: I have this innate distaste for nagging and therefore am unable to nag others. Children need to be nagged. They need that constant voice teaching them wrong from right. Because I lack the gift of nagging, my children will either have to learn from their own mistakes or get it from their dad.
2. Baby talk: Mothers have a sweet gentle nature and can often soothe their own children with their voice. When Abby was first born I had a hard time communicating with her, because I didn't know how to talk to a being who couldn't respond or understand what I was saying. Talking to a newborn is much like talking to yourself, but in a retarded cartoon voice. On top of that, I felt all kinds of stress because all the doctors and books were saying how important it is to talk to your baby. Fortunately, my kids are huge talkers despite my inability to communicate with them when they were first born.
3. The third eye (and ear): Most mothers develop a third eye and a third ear that is tuned specifically to locate their own child's whereabouts and detect his/her distinct cry. Unfortunately for my children, I have only two of each, and they can only focus on one subject at a time and are unable to operate independently of one another. Sometimes playdates with other kids and moms make me nervous, because when I'm talking to another parent, I'm not really sure where my kids are or what they're doing. I've gotten better at switching back and forth between conversations and checking on the kids, but I often have choppy dialogues as a result. For those of you who have had a playdate with me and the kids, you know what I'm talking about.
4. Mothers are good and patient teachers: When it comes to difficult people, I often throw in the towel. In those situations I think to myself, "My life is too short to be fighting with people who are unwilling to work with me or are not on my side." The exception, of course is my own children. But even then, there are countless times when I want to quit and run the opposite direction. When I go to teach Abby something new and she gets frustrated with me, I feel like saying, "Fine, stay in diapers your whole life and don't learn to swim or read or write."

In my defense, here are the skills I do possess that are useful to my job as a mother:

1. I am able to wipe up any diaper disaster, no matter how colossal, with 2 wet wipes or less.
2. I can carry more kids, bags, keys, toys, drinks and snacks on my person at once than a mule.
3. I can coordinate 2 outfits for my 2 girls, from hairpins to shoes to coordinating cardigans, in under 5 minutes. Given an extra minute, I can coordinate one girls' ensemble with the other's.
4. My freezer and pantry are so stocked that I can prepare a meal for my kids in less time than Rachel Ray, without having gone to the market in 2 weeks.
5. I can take out just about any stain, excluding permanent marker.

So, I admit, the second list of skills is not quite as important. But they are impressive, aren't they? My kids, for better or for worse, are stuck with having a different kind of mom. The amazing thing is that being a mom is teaching me more than I could probably ever teach my own kids. I just pray everyday that God will help me develop the skills to be a better mom for them, conventional or unconventional.

Culinary Adventures

YUM
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

I decided that I don't have enough food photos on my blog site. Since I have been too busy to write, I will leave you with something to tempt your tastebuds. What you are looking at is a picture of thinly sliced tuna tartar in ponzu sauce (I think) with a tomato relish/salsa (much like ceviche), topped with a tower of paper thin sliced avocado and daikon sprouts. If you can't make it yourself, then you have to go to Katsu-ya and order it.

In remembrance

We just got back from dinner and a movie with only adults, which is rare for us. We saw United 93, which I wasn't sure I was prepared to see, but thought that I was going to have to see at some point. It was draining and intense. At the end of the movie we, along with the packed theater, were left sitting silent and stunned. Even from the very beginning of the movie I was in tears thinking about the imminent doom those innocent people would be stepping into. They were students, businessmen, retirees... just people with plans and a life to lead, like me.

We definitely haven't forgotten and the events that occurred less than 5 years ago that fateful morning still sadden us to tears. Sometimes it feels so easy to move on and forget our pain. After all, we endure the pain of labor once and are resilient enough to endure another child birth. And sometimes I'm reminded like I was today that the pain is still there. It's just worn with time and deeply embedded beneath years of war in a land that we will never truly understand. We will never really know what happened that morning in those planes, but I think United 93 helped me just a little to move on and to mourn and remember those whose lives were cut short. Like I've said before, we as humans are capable of so much love and at the same time so much destruction.

I hear Oliver Stone is working on another 9/11 film, which I'm sure will be followed by others. I'm not sure how much more I will be able to watch. Will Hollywood do justice to the thousands of lives lost that day or will it just desensitize and numb the public? I'm glad that at least this first movie didn't over dramatize the events or have much of an agenda. I felt like a helpless voyeur watching a tragic, inevitable murder.

Seven is a lucky number

Today is our seventh wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that seven years have already passed and that I've spend almost a quarter of my life married! A lot has happened and a lot has changed over these years. Honestly, I was a bit scared as this year approached, because isn't this when psychologists say that marriages typically meet a fork in the road and when they sometimes start to unravel?

When you are young, you have such an idealized view of the world. For girls, we dream about our wedding day and about having the perfect home with our perfect husbands. I'm not trying to say that it's not like that, but what I imagined in my youth was so one-dimensional and so naive. I never realized how much work a marriage would take. It takes constant maintenance and a constant commitment to grow together. Otherwise, even the tightest couple will start to drift in separate directions. And once you drift farther and farther apart, it becomes harder to find each other again. This is what I've learned in my seven years of marriage, thanks mainly to my husband who is the glue that holds our family together.

Seven years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. When I was a little girl turning seven, I was learning how to ride a two-wheeler, getting my ears pierced, and still discovering the world, which mainly consisted of the little cul-de-sac we lived on. In a way, I'm like that childish girl who still has a lot of learning and growing to do. I don't know what it is about seven years, but it definitely feels different and our understanding for each other and our relationship has deepened immensely. I'm just beginning to see a glimpse of what is in store for us in the future and I'm thankful everyday for our marriage and all the many things that have grown and flourished from it. Happy Anniversary, Joe.

All by myself

My husband has left me, but just for the night. The men at our church are at a retreat and are probably playing poker right now. You guys better not be staying up until 4 AM just to play poker. I can understand if it was over a game of Settlers or something. When we are apart from our spouses we become so undisciplined. Case in point - I am sitting here surfing the internet and blogging at about 1 AM and just got off the phone with a girlfriend not too long ago. What is it with men/boys? Their idea of hanging out and bonding entails 2 things: playing games and/or watching sports with other guys. Are you men afraid of a little intimacy?

*****

On another subject, I've been thinking a lot about the difference between having and not having - whether it is education, money, power, connections, or skills. Is it just me or does it seem that the difference between the "haves" and the "have nots" is getting greater and more distinct than ever before? As this happens, those with more money, influence and power tend to hoard more for themselves, leaving the "have nots" with less and less. We all want to be in the group that "has" because it's better to have choices in life than be forced to live with little or no choices. When we sit in a position of privilege, it becomes our responsibility to humanity to share our resources and our talent. But what really happens is that people take that power and use it to oppress and push others down further and further. It's happening in Sudan, it happened in Rwanda, it's happening in Iraq, it's going on in N. Korea, and it happens everywhere around the globe, including here in the U.S. between the rich and the poor. I really fear for this world every time I think about all the pain. What kind of world will our children have to face when they are my age? How do we begin to teach society to care for others? We are truly sinful creatures. This is why we constantly have to remind our children that they need to share and to think about others. It's not innate. God did put in us a desire to fellowship with others, but our sinful nature pushes us to want to be ahead in line and holds us back from truly loving our neighbors.

This is all heavy stuff that has been burdening my heart lately. Not cheery thoughts to rest your head upon. I need Joe back so I can unload some mental weight and sleep. God I pray that you please ease the suffering of the oppressed.

How well do you know me?

I started this list days ago and forgot to post it. Thanks Banana for the meme.

Jobs I've had in my life: (in no particular order)
Window person at Sonic (I don't know what the official title is)
Private tutor
Telemarketer
Sales associate at Venture
Office assistant for the Provost
Resident Advisor of a college dorm
Office assistant at a Law School financial aid dept
Waitress at a Korean restaurant
Intern for a NY Assemblyman
Ice cream scooper for Haagen Daz (again, I don't know the official title)
Lab tech at a genetics lab
Public Health Intern for a large County Public Health Dept.
Independent Public Health Consultant
Program Associate at a health foundation
Mom

Four movies I would watch over and over:

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
2. Napoleon Dynamite
3. Pride & Prejudice (BBC version)
4. When Harry Met Sally

Four places I have lived:

1. S. Korea
2. TX
3. PA
4. NY

Four TV shows I love to watch:

1. Lost
2. Good Eats
3. reDesign
4. Goong (Korean drama)

Four places I have been on vacation:

1. Maui
2. Moscow and Minsk
3. Yosemite
4. Disneyworld

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Korean: kimchi jigae, kalbi
2. Southern: chicken fried steak, fried chicken, TX bbq
3. Japanese: FRESH, buttery sushi
4. Thai: red and green curry, anything with that yummy garlic basil chili sauce, Pad Thai, Lad Na, Pad See-Ew

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. in a pool
2. at a beach off some tropical coast
3. hiking to the top of the Catskills or some beautiful overlook at Yosemite
4. gazing at my little ones as they are sleeping (I think I'll do that right now)

Four friends that I think will respond:

1. Helen
2. Margaret (maybe via email)
3. Jennie
4. Hopefully, you too.

Four things I always carry with me:

1. A backpack - I've tried every type of diaper bag on the market, but backpacks are the most comfortable. Mine is always stocked with diapers, wipes, wallet, keys and phone
2. Snacks and drinks to combat a potential meltdown (for both me and the kids)
3. My camera - I know I look like the stereotypical Japanese tourist always taking snapshots wherever I go, but I can't stand the thought of not capturing a cute moment from my day with the kids, or interesting architecture, or beautiful landscaping, or just anything that inspires me.
4. Sarah (who is almost always on my hip)

Talks

Lately, Joe and I have been talking a lot. About people, about our kids, about life. It's good to have someone to share thoughts with, especially during the wee hours of the night when your head is still bulging with randomness that only a true friend would understand or find interesting. Also, is it just me, or is it unsettling to keep all those thoughts trapped in your brain when you sleep? I think this is why I used to have very vivid, crazy dreams before I got married. I digress.

Lately it seems that when we have a debate/argument, it is usually followed by other discussions over the next several days (like aftershocks). I know it frustrates my husband because he would rather have it out in one sitting. Part of the reason why this happens is because I can only tolerate so much frustration in a small amount of time. If we are arguing about a topic (let's call it Exhibit A - yes we came up with a labeling system for our arguments), then I just want to focus on the topic at hand and at most maybe the major underlying argument, too.

So, we discovered a pattern in the way we communicate and reason, and determined that we often argue about completely different issues and don't realize that the other person is not following our arguments. This leads to utter and complete frustration. First, because we are not getting the response we want from the other person, and second, because it seems like the other person is either not paying attention or just being pig-headed.

Last week, after one of our aftershocks, Joe, out of frustration pulled out a piece of paper and did a brilliant thing. He proceeded to diagram our argument. I was laughing at the time, because it looked much like a play out of a play book, with lines and arrows going in different directions. It began with a simple exhibit "A" as I mentioned above, and there was also "A*," "A sub 1," and "B." I realize this is not normal, but you couples out there should try this. Hey, you gots ta do what works for you, I always say. It's amazing the amount of clarity that comes from visually seeing how your arguments intertwine or even how they never meet. Can you patent psychological theories/therapy because this is going to be a big one.

Your wish is my command

I know I am not God, but there are days that I wish that everyone would be a bit more agreeable and really.... just obey my every command. Why does everyone have so many opinions around me - my peers/colleagues (when I was working), my husband and even my own girls? I am not a very hard person to get along with, am I? I don't have a lot of complaints or make a lot of requests. I generally keep to myself. So, why can't people just give me what I want? Okay, I realize this doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

My husband and I had a debate last night about whether or not to buy a particular piece of art for our living room, which I like very much but he is neutral to, at best. I realize in the grand scheme of things that this is very trivial argument, although you wouldn't think so with the amount of discussion that was delved into about this one painting. It just happened that this was one of those things I felt emotional about and he was very ambivalent about. Is it just me, or is this one of the most frustrating things about marriage? It's just so much easier to make decisions on your own, especially in cases when the other person is going to disagree and happens to be a bit overly analytical at times. Sometimes I remember with fondness the days when I didn't have to think about checking with a spouse to make a purchase or major decision, or when my choices were not hindered by the presence of little ones. Sometimes I feel like my life is not mine. And that's when I realize God is teaching me that I'm not supposed to rely on myself and I am not in this world by myself. He gave me a partner, someone to help guide me through difficult times and decisions. And he gave me little children, to tug at my leg and remind me that this life is not about me. And he gave me His Son, to rest and find solstice in, not just when I feel weary or troubled. Thank you, Lord.

The ultimate Death

This Good Friday, we had an amazing study (as always) on the gospel of Mark. The Bible is truly an amazing book. I really must read it more diligently. We read Mark 15, which I've read many times throughout my life, but this time I saw more than just the events that unfolded at Christ's death.

1. (vv. 14-15) Barrabas, the true insurrectionist and murderer, goes free and Jesus is condemned for insurrection. In this, Jesus takes Barrabas' place and is the propitiation for his sin (a foretelling of what is to come).
2. (v. 17) He was clothed in purple and wore a crown of thorns. He was mocked as the King of the Jews. He was lifted high upon a throne, the cross. All this when the One who stood before them was and is the ultimate and eternal King. Our study leader aptly named it "the ironic coronation."
3. (v. 29) Those passing by Him mocked Him saying, "Ha! You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself and come down from the cross!" Those passer-byers did not see that the One before them was higher and greater than the temple. The temple is in fact Himself and He was to die and be resurrected in 3 days.
4. (v. 31) The chief priests mocked Him, saying, "He saved others; He cannot save Himself." In fact, He DOESN'T save Himself, in order to save others and give them eternal life.
5. (v. 39) The Gentile centurion, and not one of the Jews, was the only one standing before Him that saw and believed that He truly is the Son of God.

What irony. And what a profound and beautiful message.

So Uncool

As I was reading my previous post about going to the mohgyoktahng (bath house) and thinking about this past weekend when we, along with some friends, enjoyed a bit of karaoke, I realized how I'm turning into my parents. I should have gotten the hint when I looked around the bath house and noticed the relative age of all the ladies there. And yes, I admit that it may not be the coolest thing in the world to own a karaoke machine with a library of over 3000 songs to choose from. In fact, as the adults were singing to our favorite tunes (all written before the birth of our children), our kids were pleading with us to stop singing or to get a chance themselves to sing something. I just had a flashback from my childhood of going to other Korean families' homes with my parents and dreading the incessant singing. For all that is decent and holy, please stop singing!

We are officially our parents and are officially not cool.

Cleanliness

If there is one thing I can say with certainty about Koreans, it's that they are thorough. Today a good friend agreed to watch Sarah for me while I hit the Korean bath house (thanks, Doris). I've had this horrendous pain in my neck and shoulder and am even considering acupuncture to relieve it. Almost exactly a year ago I visited my first bath house with Cha. If you can get over being completely in the buff around other women; sitting in scalding hot, boiling hot tubs; being scrubbed down to the bone while watching chunks of dead skin being sloughed off; and being massaged and scrubbed in areas of your body that are sacred between husband and wife, then this experience is for you. For a third of the price of a Western spa I had THE WORKS. I signed up for a body scrub and massage, which was possibly the hardest scrub and massage of my life. As a bonus I also had my head massaged and shampooed (why is getting a shampoo so soothing?), a cucumber mask and facial, AND I just noticed while I was relaxing in front of the TV at home that the inside of my belly button is sparkling! Now THAT'S what I call clean. Detailed clean.

A Happy Ending

The Reveal
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

Ta Dah! So what do you think? Is this not the most amazing room you've ever seen? It's not a picture from Architectural Digest or some top interior design journal, although it belongs in all of those. It's in our own home! After months and months of contractors and tapings, the reveal has come. The great thing is that it's not just a room for adults to love, but a room that our kids enjoy, too (especially the 4" deep shag rug). I think we will have to move some of the breakables above 4 feet though.

So, come on over and feast your eyes.

Family Room reDesign Part VIII

KB at work
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

It's been a while since I've updated on the progress of our reDesign remodel. The room has been coming along, but we were waiting for some key elements to come together and now the end is near. It's AMAZING! It was a long, arduous process. We weren't sure at times if all of this was worth it, but now we are seeing it all come together and we LOVE LOVE LOVE it! In two days we will shoot our final dialogues with the camera and our room will be back in our hands. Check out my album by clicking on the photo and scrolling through the images. By the way, if there is anything that you think I absolutely must say on camera, speak now. I have but 1 more day to prepare myself.

Skills of survival

We had some spirited discussions this evening at book club. Life of Pi was a hard book to get into, but had some deeper truth to it. It definitely helped to clarify our befuddled thoughts through discussion. One of the themes we touched on in the book has to do with survival. As humans we adapt and change to survive. We are capable of being so resourceful or so destructive if we are pushed to our limits.

Kind of related to survival, I thought about skills we acquire in life. Some people have more skills than others, from Napoleon Dynamite to Martha Stewart to Albert Einstein. We all have a certain level of skills. I tend to think that it's important to spread your skills out; to learn as much as you can about a lot of different things. I guess this makes me feel more secure in case of an emergency that may require some sort of obscure knowledge or ability. I like to be prepared. But in reality, in this day and age, how important is it to know how to build a fire, sew your own clothes, make kimchi, do repairs/maintenance around the house, or even do taxes? For most of these tasks there are cheaper or easier alternatives to doing it yourself. Plus, time is money, is it not?

The skills that were so prized decades ago are almost obsolete today. Is it better just focus on one or a few skills and excel at those? If I were deserted on a boat with a Bengal tiger, I would need all the skills of survival: navigation, fishing, taming a wild tiger, and many other basics. To survive today, you almost need to focus your skills in a few areas. This is what it takes to get a job and provide for your family; not all that hunter-gatherer Colonial Pilgrim stuff. (Kind of along the same vein, since men no longer have to hunt to survive, is there a reason why some men still feel a need to be so bionically buff, to the point of taking steroids?) Everything is being outsourced, from household chores to the technology we buy. Are we losing the ability to make anything from scratch? It's gotten to the point that when someone makes something by hand, it's no longer considered work. It's now called "arts and crafts."

I would like to pass on a lot of different skills to my children. I don't just want them to be good at their careers and bring home money. There are still those things that can't be done for you. Enduring the discipline required to play a musical instrument, feeling the thrill of winning in a sport, camping in the wilderness and being one with nature, experiencing foreign cultures and lands, and being a living testament to God's Love... Priceless.