Ahjuma

So, I caved and finally got the perm. I know, I know, so ahjuma. But, it's so much easier for me to style and manage, especially for a mother of 2 (spoken like a true ahjuma). I don't think it makes me look older though. Thank God it turned out nice, especially since we are going to be taping our final installments of our reDesign episode all next week. It took me a total of 4 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES to get my hair to look like this. Just another sacrifice we women make for beauty. I don't know how African American women do it so frequently. I don't even like wearing makeup, but somehow sat in a beauty salon for over 4 hours. What did I do during that time, you ask? I took botanical flashcards with me so I could study for my Plant ID exam tonight. Yes, I'm an ahjuma nerd.

The Kingdom (or tent) of God

I was reading with my husband about a sort of demonstration on Penn campus. It's really a Christian group that has opened up a 24/7 prayer tent in the middle of campus so that members of the campus community can come and share their prayer requests and have someone pray for them if they want (they can also sing songs, play bongos and cast their sins in a bucket). It's a very hokey concept, but hey, anything that promotes prayer can't be bad, right? Well, many among the campus have directed their attacks toward this tent and are criticizing it on the grounds that the school lawn should not be littered with religious propaganda, especially one that includes one religion (Christianity) and excludes others. It upsets me that people get so upset over a very passive method of religious expression (Do I have to bring up the Constitution?). It's simply available to those who are interested in stopping by and not intended to be exclusive. In fact, it is open to the general public. Why is it that the majority of people are so close-minded and strict about the need to be univerally inclusive, to the point that there is absolutely no tolerance for minority opinions?

Warning

For the past few weeks Joe's car has had the "Airbag" indicator light on in his dash. I noticed it the few times I was driving his car to my evening classes. So, the other day, I suggested that Joe check his manual to see what the light being on meant. He said he thought it'd be pretty useless to check the manual since it probably won't say with certainty what the problem is. I decided to consult the manual, which said that we basically should take it to the shop to get it checked out, because the airbag may or may not be functioning. Duh. So, why do they even have such indicator lights? Does it REALLY mean that something is wrong with the airbag? I don't want to wait until an accident occurs to find out. Instead of all these stupid lights that go on when something is malfunctioning (which could be anything from a problem with the computer to an actual mechanical problem), they should just have one big warning light that says "TAKE THE CAR TO THE SHOP NOW!"

The last time the engine check light went on in my car, I was freaking out. "What does that mean? Is my car going to stop working. The engine appears to be working alright. Damn you Honda. This car is only a year old!" It turns out that the mechanic that did my last oil change simply neglected to reset the computer after my last service. Well that's what the service guy said before he reset the computer. What if something IS really wrong with the car? How can you just turn off the indicator without checking the whole engine first? Did you notice that mechanics are all shady? You really have no idea what they're doing to your car, but you just hope and pray that it's okay, especially after charging you a hefty portion of the value of the car. My dad was a mechanic for part of his life (the only non-shady one), and knowing the business, he used to tell me to never take the car in for service myself (because I'm a woman), even though I may be more knowledgeable than my husband about some car issues.

*Follow-up: The problem with the airbag has been rectified. Apparently there was a faulty wire. When Joe asked the technician if the airbag would have worked still, his answer was, "I dunno, but it's good that we didn't have to find out." Yes, indeed... moron.

Recovery

I am not sick anymore, but then why do I feel like crap still? I rarely get sick, but when I do, it's like the plague hit me. Abby brought some virus home from some germy kid at school and passed it on to her sister and me last week. We all got over the fever pretty fast, but now I'm suffering from the worst cough. It's just post nasal drip, says my husband. Why does it take so freakin long to stop dripping? Every evening and through the night I get these VIOLENT cough attacks that leave me completely spent, tearing, snotty and raspy. You would think I have some kind of deadly disease (which is what people are thinking when they observe one of my episodes), but NO, it's just post-nasal drip. Arghfkulghakheg! Anyway, so that's what I've been doing over the past week and that's why I've been so quiet over here in bloggerland. I'm just hacking my brains out. I have a lot of things I want to write about, but alas, I must conserve my energy for my next cough attack. I'm getting desperate. I just finished my bottle of Tussin and am almost down to my last cough drop, which by the way are totally placebo drugs. Please make the coughing stop.

In the Mood for some Good Food

Homework. It's not enjoyable at any age. I hate being given homework, because I seem to think I'm mature enough to learn information without having to be forced to memorize it. Well, most of the time. I have classes for the next 2 nights and I'm cramming all my homework again, just like the good old days. I have an excuse though. I've been sick. I hate that slimy, chilly, sweaty feeling you get when you're sick. My saliva tastes mediciney. I am starting to get my appetite back now, especially after reading my good friend Cha's culinary adventures.

What is your signature dinner dish? I think it would have to be jigae: kimchi jigae, daenjahng jigae, dubu jigae or mehuhn tahng. I'm actually pretty good at making anything soupy. I love Korean stews. They are so hearty and SO nutritious. For non-Korean, I would have to say my beer can chicken.

What is your signature dessert? I can make a mean birthday cake and decorate it just as nicely as the store-bought kind. My favorite cake to make is a butter cake with pineapple syrup, vanilla custard and a very lightly sweetened whipped cream frosting. It is my responsibility to make all the family birthday cakes.

What is your signature drink? Tea. Not that I'm better than anyone else at boiling water, but my Dad brought back the most amazing black tea from China and it is pure comfort in a mug.

What food/dish holds the most meaning for you? I have two: Chicken fried steak and meatloaf. I must have been the only kid throughout all my school years that got excited on chicken-fried steak days at the school cafeteria. I've searched high and low and chicken fried steak here in CA just doesn't compare to TX. The best version I've tasted in LA is at Black Cow in Montrose on Honolulu. Meatloaf is another favorite comfort food. It has significance in my life because one of my passions in life is perfecting my meatloaf recipe. It's partly a blend of recipes from Barefoot Contessa and Joy of Cooking and some of the ingredients include ground turkey (shhh, don't tell), oatmeal and at least half a dozen root vegetables.

What food/dish would you be happy to never eat again? I have very few food aversions. For those who know me, you know I will try anything at least once and it's rare for me not to like a particular food, but if I had to choose one, it would be soondae. In case you don't know, it's blood sausage. It's made of rice, vegetables, coagulated beef blood (yes, you heard me right), encased in intestine. My husband loves it and I am sickened by even the smell of it. That's probably the only food disagreement we have.

What food did you dislike as a child, but now enjoy very much? It's hard to believe but I used to hate cilantro and avocados. Crazy. Cilantro was definitely an acquired taste for me, which I absolutely love now. I think I hated avocados because I had some unsavory guacamole once as a child and someone told me it was made of avocados, which I then avoided for about 20 years. Now I buy them by the 6-pack at Costco every month.

What food did you love as a child, but cannot tolerate anymore? Chef Boyardee. How did we eat that crap? I remember enjoying it as a child, but recently I thought I'd try some again and it tasted putrid and was all mushy. My kids like it, so it must be one of those tastes we un-acquire when our tastebuds mature.

What is your favorite street or fast food? Without hesitation, In-N-Out. I don't know how anyone outside CA can survive without their burgers. I never thought hamburgers were that good until I had an In-N-Out burger on my first trip to LA. My usual is a cheeseburger with onion, and extra lettuce & tomato. Occasionally I will get the double-double and when I'm in the mood, animal style. There is an In-N-Out stand within walking distance of my home. I know. I'm blessed.

What is your favorite restaurant dish? Hot: Galbi at Sutbul Jeep or Chamsoogol (although you'll have a much better dining experience at the latter). Cold: Any sushi at Sasabune. Just go along with what the chef says.

What is/was your greatest restaurant experience? The Anuenue Room at the Ritz in Maui. First of all, it was our honeymoon, so there were no kids; only the two of us, and we had no worries in the world. The other reasons why it was so memorable were the amazing service, the incredible food cooked to perfection, the delicious sweetbread (calf thymus), the luscious chocolate souffle, and of course, Maui. Sadly, the restaurant is no longer around.

What is/was your greatest restaurant disappointment? It's rare for us to have a bad experience, because we usually do so much research before we even step foot in a restaurant. We like to check Zagat, Chowhound and get recommendations first. It's hard to have a spontaneous dining experience with all that work. But years ago, we were walking through our old neighborhood and decided to randomly stop at a local sushi place for a bite. The sushi was worse than the previously frozen fish you get at the market, and it was served up raw! I think that was the last spontaneous dining experience we've had. Unless you live in Studio City, don't ever eat at the local neighborhood sushi joint.

What is/was your most upsetting culinary experience? I have 2. I made my beer can chicken in our new barbecue and I guess I hadn't stabilized the chicken enough (it balances over the mouth of a half-filled beer can). I came back 30 minutes later and apparently the chicken had toppled over with the beer and got scorched, along with the inside of the new barbecue. The other happened shortly after we got married. I decided to be a good Korean wife and try to learn how to make a bunch of traditional Korean side dishes, using only a list of ingredients from my mom or Joe's mom and my own tastebuds to guide me (it's hard to find a good Korean cookbook and Korean parents don't use recipes). I made 4 different dishes at once, most of them requiring overnight soaking of dried ingredients and then shredding and marinating them. After all my laboring in the kitchen, I couldn't get any of it to taste right. I'm much better at making those dishes now, but it was the worst cooking memory because of all the hours of preparation and buildup, with nothing to show at the end.

What is/was your most satisfying culinary experience? My most satisfying cooking experience may be last summer when we went camping and I prepared salmon steaks with slivers of onions and sweet peppers, garlic and ginger; topped with a teriyaki wasabi sauce; wrapped individually in foil packets and thrown over the fire. Who says you can't camp in style? My most satisfying baking experience may have been making 5 (or was it 6?) birthday cake centerpieces from scratch for my first daughter's 1-year birthday party. They were decorated with individually made sugar leaves and lollipop flowers. It turned out so well that I did it again for my second daughter's 1st Birthday.

What is/was your funniest culinary experience? the aforementioned baking experience. Imagine my little brother, Cha and me frantically sifting, baking, mixing and frosting 6 cakes in a dinky kitchen with very little counter space. It was also funny because I got to make them my sous chefs and sift about a hundred cups of flour and powdered sugar with my 1 poorly functioning sifter.

If you had to eat the same dish for dinner every night for the rest of your life, what would it be? kimchi jigae, with a bowl of rice and gim. I would do it by choice, too. I wait with anticipation until the kimchi in the fridge gets overly ripe, so I can cook up a big pot of mouth-watering, spicy, tangy, salty, savory kimchi jigae. Excuse me, gotta go grab a tissue. I'm actually drooling at the thought.

Say what?

I am currently learning in one of my Landscaping classes how to read, write and speak in Botanese (not sure if that's a real term). For example, can you say the name Clytostoma callistegioides or Pathenocissus tricuspidata? When I got into this landscaping stuff I had no idea I would be learning a 4th language. I just love plants. But why is it that with everything in life, you can't just do something you like, and then sit back and enjoy it? There always has to be a test, a challenge. Who knew that planting beautiful flowers and trees required that I learn Latin and memorize plant botanical names? Why can't I just go to the darn nursery and say, "Gimme 10 flats of those pretty purple thingies and a dozen of those yellow scented shrubs. And while you're at it, can you just put them in the ground over in that corner, please?" And who knew that being a Landscape Designer meant I would need to learn the detailed process behind laying concrete, installing masonry, and planning complex irrigation systems?

I have always managed to find my way down the difficult path. When I was in college, I started off in engineering school. After suffering through advanced calculus, P-Chem, and every level of Physics, I decided, engineering was not in my future. Then I decided to be poli-sci/pre-med. Since I had spent almost half my college years in engineering school, I had to hurriedly get through all the requirements for my new major, plus make sure I got in all the necessary classes for med-school admissions. Needless to say, my GPA was not stellar, especially after engineering school and overloading myself with a whole slew of new requirements to complete in 2 years. After college, I took the MCAT twice (excuse my French, but it's a bitch). In the meantime, I decided to study public health in order to get myself together to apply to med schools and to gain some background knowledge on the community side of health delivery. Sadly, I have abandoned all of this as well. No engineering. No political science. No med school. No public health. But if you ever need a public policy health engineering landscape consultant, you know who to call.

So, here I sit, about to embark on the prime years of my life and still scratching the surface of what it is my calling in life is. I've begun to realize that nothing in life comes easy. And in the end, I fear this is all I will learn in this life. It reminds me of Ecclesiastes. Life at times feels so futile. But glancing back, I don't regret having traversed such a windy and sometimes bleak road. It has brought me opportunities I would have never imagined, introduced me to people and places I never knew, delivered me from one coast to the other and just about every state in between, and opened my eyes to varying points of view. And that's what life is: it's a gift. Sometimes it's the perfect gift that you've been waiting for all year and sometimes it's the thing you take to the church Christmas white elephant gift exchange that keeps finding its way home to you.

Freedom

I'm reading a book which reminded me of a debate I had back in college between a group of friends. The book is Life of Pi and the debate is about animals in zoos. The debate I had among friends started with pragmatic Ajay stating that animals in captivity (i.e. in the zoo) seem to lead a better life than animals in the wild. After all, there is no threat of predators, a constant supply of nutritional food, and healthcare when you are sick. I distinctly remember the liberal majority (i.e. Phil, Chris & Emily) staunchly attacking Ajay's claim and arguing for freedom as being of utmost importance. Without freedom, what is life? ... My opinion? It lies somewhere in between. If animals thought like humans, I suppose they would not be satisfied with mundane zoo life. But if animals did not care about such things and merely thought about survival, then sure, life in the zoo would be hands-down second to none. The only close scenario Joe and I could come up with on a human level was if our whole family got uprooted from a very dangerous, urban, crime-ridden area and sent to a monastery. But it wouldn't be a normal monastery, because it would also have TV, all the food we need, and all the modern amenities we have come to depend on (cable, internet, etc..). The only catch is that we could never leave. I'm sure no one would ever choose this life, but we are presupposing that animals think like us, which I'm pretty sure they don't. Okay, I admit, Joe and I sometimes have very abnormal conversations.

In Life of Pi it talks about this issue and poses this scenario: We as people find comfort in the homes we've built for ourselves. We have worked out a way to have running water, constant food supply, shelter and security provided to us, all under one roof. If a stranger were to come along and kick us out of our homes and say, "Go, be free," would our response be gratitude? I am in no way saying that zoo is the home that animals have chosen for themselves, but think about this: Animals choose and mark their territories. Even though they have all the world to explore and wander, they stay within a relatively small area only wandering outside in search of resources, because that is what they have claimed as their domain. After some time, if an animal were to become accustomed to their accommodations at the zoo, wouldn't they also mark their territory and set up camp as they would back in their own natural habitat? The added bonus is that they wouldn't have to wander off looking for food and they would not have to worry about predators and parasites. So, to answer the question (10 years later), I agree with you Ajay. Animals in the zoo do have it pretty good. One thing's for sure - I certainly prefer animals behind cages to animals in my backyard.

This topic is also making me think more about our own existence. We too give up certain freedoms to live behind secure walls. We limit ourselves to where we live, where we go, and what we do in order to feel safe, all deliberate choices in exchange for freedom. The growing acceptance of racial profiling and increasing government control post 9/11 are also examples of how we are willing to trade our freedom for walls. Some of us even live in gated communities where there are artificial parks and lakes, much like a larger zoo pen. Interesting.

For some reason, I seem to be the only one in our book club getting into this book. Anyone else read this book and have positive or negative reviews to give?

Anyway, I leave you with THIS, a truly amazing example of SKILL. I still can't decide if it's the craziest or the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.

Thirty nine things

Wow, it's been a while since I did a survey. I love lists. I think it's the math nerd in me needing to inject numbers to break up a page of words. Anyway, thanks, Cha. Enjoy.

1. What is your full name now? Just call me Halle. I'd rather not use my full name, in case it is used for evil, such as marketing purposes. Darn telemarketers.
2. What are you wearing right now? Jeans, powder blue sweater, black jacket vest
3. What are you listening to now? Jack Johnson CD from the movie Curious George, which is my absolute favorite CD right now. It's a winner for adults and children.
4. What was the last thing you ate? A spoonful of Double Rainbow ultra chocolate ice cream. It's my occasional indulgence.
5. Do you wish on stars? Sort of. I say a little prayer whenever I see one. I'm a bit superstitious, which is why I can't get myself to take down the mezzuzah from our front door, even though I'm not Jewish.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Crayola Sea Green.
7. How is the weather right now? It's a bit overcast and brisk, because the air is saturated and ready to pour.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Joe
9. How old are you today? Thirty-one
10. Favorite drink? Hot: chai tea with honey and milk. Cold: beer, preferably an ale. Which reminds me, I have a case of Shiner Bock in the fridge.
11. Favorite sport? To participate: swimming. To watch: I'm not that into watching sports, unless it's live, then it could be almost anything, including log-rolling.
12. Favorite hobby? Gardening, cooking, and crafts, much like Martha.
13. Hair color? Black, like the night
14. Siblings? 1 baby bro
15. Favorite food? First is Korean (homecooked is best, but if not, then Chamsoogol). Thai and sushi are tied for second
16. What was the last movie you watched? I think Garden State. Walk the Line is next up for this weekend.
17. Favorite day of the year? Thanksgiving. I love Fall, getting together with family, praising God for all his blessings, and it's probably the only non-commercial holiday left.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? Legos.
19. Summer or winter? Winter. I love to bundle up in layers, plus I hate heat and sweating.
20. Hugs or kisses? Depends on who it's from. Kisses from my husband and kids. Hugs from everyone else.
21. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. The darkest bittersweet (Valrhona).
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Of course.
23. When was the last time you cried? 3 nights ago, but just a little.
24. What is under your bed? Storage bins with wrapping paper and ribbon, and a pair of tennis shoes just in case there's an earthquake.
25. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Analisa, whom I've known since elementary.
26. What did you do last night? Went to my first Plant Materials Identification class where I found out I will have a quiz or test every week and need to make flash cards so I can memorize hundreds of plant botanical names and their spelling. We will also take hikes every week to collect plant samples. It sounds tedious, but the horticultural nerd in me is so excited.
27. Favorite smell? Johnson's softwash baby shampoo on my kids and Dove soap on my husband.
28. Favorite TV show? Lost. I'm still trying to catch up with the first season, so I can start on the second.
29. Happy in life? Most days.
30. What are you afraid of? Not being a good mother and wife. Not leading a productive and effective life for God.
31. Butter or salted? Salt
32. Favorite car? I love both our children (our A4 and our Odyssey) equally. Dream car: A6.
33. Favorite flower? Orchids - each variety is so unique. Lily of the valley is also another favorite. Freesias are my favorite scented flowers. It's so hard to choose when you're a plant lover.
34. Number of keys on your key ring? 5 keys and 2 remotes
35. How many years at your current job? 3.5 at being a SAHM
36. Favorite day of the week? Saturday. I like to party, party.
37. What did you do on your last birthday? Joe took me to a jazz supper club, just the two of us.
38. How many towns have you lived in? Seven.
39. Do you make friends easily? Not really. I'm very shy and it can take me years to get past the acquaintance stage with most people. I am very selective in my choice of friends, which is why I have a small number of really close friends. So, my friends are a group I like to call "the privileged elite."

Some encouragement (a follow-up)

I realized I may have scared some of you soon-to-be moms and dads out there with my last post. Sure, being a parent is the toughest job and the greatest challenge I have ever faced, but isn't that what makes us stronger and wiser. I can't say that I'm happier as a parent, because I don't know how my life would be without the kids. But I can say that my life is much richer and has taken on a new perspective since the kids came along. Take a look at grandparents - they are not just good for telling stories of war and hardship, they are overflowing wells of knowledge about life and people. Becoming a parent (and a wife) has taught me that I know very little about people and relationships. If I really knew so much, then everything would have turned out as I expected, right? And because they often don't turn out, it tells me that I have a lot more to learn. A lifetime more to learn.

The day after I posted my rant about my struggles with Abby, I sat down with her and told her how I felt and about my intentions to be a good mom for her. That day I also tried harder to listen to her, instead of just trying to get her to listen to me. I think we're starting to get somewhere. I used to think my job as a parent was simply to direct my child away from the wrong path and towards the right one, but it's so much more than that. Being a parent means that I get the privilege of walking with my child, growing with her, imparting some of my wisdom if she wants to hear it, and cheering for her all the way. Our children are not ours to raise so they can become the beneficiaries and heirs of all our hopes and dreams. Abby is a little girl who will someday become a woman with a family who loves and supports her in becoming the best [whatever it is she wants to be]. It's good to be a mom and it's good to be Abby's mom.

THE PHASE

I'm at my wit's end. I'm going through a frustrating few months. Tensions are high. I feel helpless, insufficient, and totally incompetent. My main problem these days is my relationship with Abby. Fortunately, for everyone else, HER issues and frustrations in life seem to really only be directed at me, the very same mother who gave birth to her for 25 hours (I hear my MIL use that guilt tactic on Joe, which I hope I never do with my own daughter. I just wanted some sympathy.). Overall, my daughter is loving, caring, considerate, bubbly, exuberant, and funny. But when she is not these things, she is ... difficult, to put it nicely. Where does she get it from? Must be from Joe's side of the family, because from what my mother tells me, I was an absolute angel.

I wonder sometimes, is this just a phase? But then I see those older kids that still act like Abby in one of her moods and I think, that child is just plain rotten. Their parents must have thought they were going through a phase and they're still waiting for that phase to end. There's a point when you have to face the fact that it may not just be a phase, but some other underlying issues. Am I not disciplining her enough, is my discipline ineffective, is she jealous of the attention I give her younger sister, am I being too strict, am I being too overbearing, am I spoiling her, is she having outside relationship problems, or is it just a matter of our personalities clashing? These are all questions I am constantly asking myself and I don't really ever seem to find the answers to. I sometimes fear that it will be like this forever with she and I. I just want her to obey me and she just wants her way. Finding the compromise between our two positions is the real problem and the solution.

Sometimes I read parenting magazines or books in search of answers. But finding consistent answers from child psychologists is like finding the perfect weight loss solution - is it low fat, or high fat, or high protein, or no carb, or all fruit, or portion control, or just cabbage soup? I was reading this one psychologist that said that you should never raise your voice at your child. Come on. Try that on a trantummy child who doesn't want to take a nap or clean up their toys. "Pretty please, can you please take a nap? It would make mommy so happy." : ) If there's not a loud verbal threat attached to my proposition, I have a hard time getting my children to move when they're not in the mood. Do these child psychologists even have children? It's easy to sit back and give advice when you don't have to deal with it yourself. Unfortunately, I'm no relationship guru or child psychologist either. Maybe I should just medicate her. I'm not really serious. I know. I'm bad. But maybe just until she gets out of this"phase?" Do you ever just want to run out of the house screaming?

The envelope

I think I must be the only person in LA not watching the Academy Awards. Aside from my soon to be airing 30 minutes of fame on reDesign, I try to ignore Hollywood. The whole industry annoys me. Any person or group of people who think they are so influential in people's lives, but really have little true value to the world, bugs me. You (or should I say, we?) are entertainers. That's all. I still enjoy meeting actors and musicians, especially the gracious ones, but the ones that act like they're above all that, really chap my hide. Anyway, I am even more annoyed because I checked the Oscar winners online and my top pick for most overly hyped and overrated films won best picture. Don't get me started again on why I hate this film so much ... it's not just the sometimes overdone acting, the purposely disjointed and ineffective storyline, and the contrived and boringly obvious script. Who can't make a movie with a bunch of actors fulfilling every extreme racial stereotype in the book? I just feel bad for the skinhead and the redneck KKK member that got cut in the final edit of the film. This just proves that the Academy has NO idea what they're talking about. And by the way, any movie with Sandra Bullock is on my "worst list." She makes Brendan Fraser look like an Oscar contender. This has to be the worst year in Oscar history.

Okay, that's my Hollywood rant for the day. Moving on. I can't believe we are well into March already. I keep getting this month mixed up with the last and the next one. It's weird. I think it has to do with the fact that the weather is so random here. January was the warmest month so far this year. That, plus the fact that the days are passing so quickly, all contribute to my complete inability to keep track of time. My problem may be more serious though. The other day, I was looking at the expiration date on a box of cookies and I got confused. "It says October 2006, is that expired yet or is it still safe to consume?" It's not 2007 yet, is it? Who's this strange man in my house and whose kids are these? Wait, where am I? I think I'm definitely doomed to live the later part of my years with dementia. I should ask Joe for an MRI.

Ahhh. Another fresh week. I say that every week. I think I'm just trying to erase all the mistakes from the past week. The kids finally fell asleep at about 11 PM. This means that in the morning I get to look forward to battling a cranky, uncooperative 3-yr old and trying to get her to school on time. God, give me mercy and let me have grace.

**Added on 3/10/06: Link to an excellent LA Times article by Steve Lopez on Crash and racial tension in LA.

The key to learning

I learned fairly early on that when you push your will on your children, it backfires. Case in point: potty training for 9 months. Abby finally gave in and decided that she wanted to use the potty after I gave up and stopped trying. Part of the reason why I have to keep myself busy (with school, hobbies, activities) is that if I didn't, I'm afraid I would get too wrapped up in my kids' development. Getting too involved doesn't seem like a bad thing for a mother, but I fear for my children, because I think I have the potential to be ... a bit overbearing. You see, I have the type of personality that is very positive and hopeful, so when I start dreaming about something, my imagination runs wild and I start to get a bit overly ambitious. This goes for myself and my loved ones.

I am waiting patiently for the day when our kids can read. That to me is when a whole new world will open up for them. After all, reading is the key to learning. I probably have a collection of books that parallels the fiction section of our local library. I have even invested money on various teaching guides/games to teach our kids to read. I am waiting patiently like a panther stalking its prey for the first sign that Abby wants to read and then I will probably pounce on the poor girl. In my search for the perfect preschool and eventual elementary school, I've discovered that kids each learn at their own pace and have their own interests and aversions, much like us adults. Abby is attending a Montessori school right now (I recently discovered that the Google guys went to Montessori schools. They attributed some of their success to the early teachings of their schools), which we chose mainly because they were very balanced in their philosophy (play vs. academics). Also part of the reason why we chose the school was because we observed that the children behaved in a way that we wanted our daughter to mimic. I thought, if she could only be more focused and attentive like those children, then maybe she could really learn something.

Kids each have their own aptitudes - some can read by 3, some can speak coherently by 1, some can walk by 10 months, and some are the last for all of these milestones. In the end, they all become fully-functioning adults. WHEN our kids learn to read, write or add will have little or no influence on their success as adults. Having an interest in learning these things is far more important, because from their interest comes a desire to learn and excel. That's where my hopes come in. What happens if my kids don't WANT to read, appreciate art, learn other languages, play piano, study various musical instruments, or join sports teams? This probably sums up my main struggle as a parent: I want my children to listen to me, because I think I know best what's good for them, but they are not always willing or ready to listen to me, and their desires are often not consistent with mine. I want them to get dressed in pants, warm jackets and tennis shoes; they want to wear princess dresses and flip flops. I want them to put their heads underwater and learn to swim; they would rather cling to mom and have me escort them around the pool.

*Sigh* As I sit here and think about these issues, I realize what hell I put my parents through. The same stubborn will that I have now is what my parents had to endure for so many years growing up, and now I am sitting in their very same shoes. Reflecting on my childhood/adolescence, I think many times I just wanted to be my own person and treated with respect. That's why kids do the opposite of what they are told, even if it is obviously harmful to them. Kids hate being treated like kids, but adults can't help seeing them as naive kids. I constantly have to remind myself that I am here to guide and protect them, not impose my dreams and hopes on them. There is a big difference between guiding their decisions and making decisions for them. It's an art that I am far from mastering. The main keys are to give our kids confidence to try their best, assurance that their best is good enough, and inspiration to always try to be better.