What I could have been

Over the past few years I've been feeling this itch to find my dream career and for some reason I've had a bit of urgency about doing it. Perhaps it's because I haven't yet learned to be content or comfortable with who I am. I spend so much time thinking about what I could be doing with my life if I wasn't just a mom and a wife. I don't really believe the "just" part, but that's how the world sometimes looks at me. In fact, if being a mom were a full time job, there are some days I think I would get fired, without severance. There are definitely other jobs I've had more success at and ones in which I didn't get quite as many complaints from my coworkers or clients. No matter how hard I try, I can't get my kids to do things I ask them to when I want them to and I can't keep the house in order even on an "easy" day.

I once had high aspirations for my life and thought I could be running for Senate, advancing health policy, curing cancer or defending the rights of immigrants who don't have a voice. Growing up, my parents pushed me and told me that I could become ANYTHING I wanted. When you hear it enough, you start to believe it. I think that's why I have such a hard time with failure and so much impatience when it comes to attaining my goals. I expect to do things right the first time and if it doesn't turn out that way, I have extreme disappointment.

Looking at my life, one might ask, what more do you want? You have 2 obedient children (for the most part), a good marriage, a California home and many more luxuries in life. I have girlfriends who aren't married and I know they pray for the things that I have. But somehow, it's not enough. As a woman, I want it all. We have so many choices that we feel that we are less of a woman if we don't strive to meet our full potential as a perfect wife, nurturing mother AND successful businesswoman/doctor/ lawyer. Instead of making a choice, women who don't have to work feel as if they need to do everything. I once read a book about male/female psychology that said that when women feel added demands on their life from home or work or both, they automatically feel as if they need to do more and then try to address everything (men are the opposite and instinctively retreat, either mentally or physically).

I know I can't do everything, because I have tried in the past and as in the world of politics, it's a zero sum game. I often doubt whether I was meant to be a stay at home mom. Some women are not and that doesn't make them poor moms. We need to have more support for each other as mothers and women. If I decide to go back to work, would you think me to be selfish and pity my children for having to spend most of their days in daycare or with a nanny. Or if my decision is to continue to stay at home, will you judge me and think me to be a simple woman with no skills outside of childbearing?