GoYuhan

Who's the Boss

2008-05-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

It's May the what? It's hard to believe, but my big girl is graduating from Kindergarten already in just a few short weeks. I've included a link of her Kindergarten school news station debut. Kids. I think they exist to amaze and challenge us everyday. They remind us of where we came from and how we should look at things. For Mother's day Abby made me a wonderful book at school about all my favorite things... my favorite color (green), my favorite food (sushi)... and my favorite thing to do when I have time to myself.... "kill the gophers." Huh? Where did that come from? I guess I do spend a lot of time trying to rid my garden of pesky gophers. It's hilarious how children perceive the world.

As I sit here, waiting patiently and longingly for the AC repair man to save me from this torrid weather, I scream quietly inside. He tells me when he's coming (somewhere between 3:00 pm and whenever he feels like it), and I sit. I sit. And I sit waiting. I can't make him come any faster and if I get mad at him, he may decide to not show at all. And then who's laughing? I am totally and completely at his mercy. Who exactly is in charge here? I'm a paying customer, right? But who's the one sitting at home with no AC. I left my job to be at home with the kids and decided that I didn't want to work for someone else anymore. I had had enough of dictatorial supervisors and office politics. I want to be my own boss, I said. Except, I'm not really the boss. I still have to answer to my clients. They're the ones that have the money and can tell me they do or don't like my work. So, I ask myself, who's really in charge? CEO's still answer to the board, adults answer to their spouses or to their children (sometimes), and the fate of my comfort lies in the hands of an AC repair man. It's this vicious race we are bound to run in as humans. We run and run trying to lead the pack to find that we are all really just running in one big circle with no finish line. Why don't we all just stop running? Then we could just get fat and sit in one big happy circle - just a thought I had while I was in the carpool lane this afternoon.

Happy New Year

2008-01-09T11:22:00.000-08:00

I trust that you had a pleasant holiday and are ready to jump into the New Year. It's been a while since I've updated. I would give you an excuse about how busy I was, but I've resolved to make no more excuses. Although I don't customarily make resolutions, especially the kind that I can't keep, I've created a short list of improvements I'd like to implement:

Be content with the 2 kids I have and stop dreaming about a bigger family. Raising kids is tough and it's even tougher doing it right. We're happy. We're complete. Why am I not convincing you?
Try not to yell and get so frustrated with aforementioned kids. I've been thinking about the way I talk to my kids and the way they hear me. I know everyone occasionally goes Alec Baldwin on their kids. For some reason I get a better response from the kids when I speak in a tone of voice and volume that sounds as if I'm going to hurt someone. Anyway, I've resolved to attempt other more constructive (and more difficult, for me) forms of communication. This also means that I have to be a better listener and learn to empathize with them more. I think it would be easier for me to just get a brain transplant.
Along with #1 and my difficulties with #2, I plan to FINALLY take down the crib in Sarah's room (the one which she has not slept in for about 2 years), switch the office and the kids' rooms and get our closets outfitted with one of those closet organizing companies. I literally drool every time I look at ads that keep coming to my house for California Closets, or Closet World/Factory/Warehouse/Land/Universe. All right already, I'm going to redo our barely functional, barely closets. I guess I shouldn't complain - in NYC you could fit a whole kitchen in one of ours.
I'm going to TRY to stop giving people weird looks (externally and internally). This includes my in laws, my kids, my husband, people on the road, and just about anyone who might tick me off. What gives me the right to judge you? I'm just as weird as the rest of you.
I'm going to slow down on my hoarding. I'm starting to worry that my hoarding tendencies are making me clinical. I think I'm justified though, because every time I get rid of something, I all of a sudden need it again (just watch who's going to be pregnant as soon as I take down the crib). At the same time, I can't find anything I need because it's carefully catalogued among the junk I will never use again, but am keeping just in case. I think this can all be blamed on the time my Dad threw away my security blanket. Cleaning out the closets is part of my therapy and road to recovery.
I need to not set such lofty goals for myself. That is why I'm going to stop my list here. I know I'm not going to work out, procrastinate less, make a family scrapbook and re-sod the front lawn. Or maybe I will. Well... maybe after I complete #1-5.

Here's hoping your New Year is full of hopes that can be fulfilled.

Last Supper

2007-10-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

A recent Time magazine article entitled You Eat What You Are got me thinking again about the subject of my last meal. Yes, this is not the first time I've contemplated this topic. It's quite a morbid topic, yet it conjures up all sorts of wonderful sensations and triggers random memories.

At first, I thought for my last supper that I might request the finest and freshest sushi: uni, raw jumbo diver scallops, live sweet shrimp (with the heads fried), yellowtail underbelly. bluefin tuna, unagi, whitefish and finished with miso soup with Asari clams (Katsuya style). And then the more I thought about it, the more I craved the flavors from my past and from my youth. When I want TRUE satisfaction, it goes deeper than just my palate. It goes to the deepest part of my belly; to the heart of my belly or the underbelly, you could say. Here's what I came up with for my official Final Meal Menu, which to me, would be perfect in every way:

First course: boiled live crawfish (heavy on the creole seasoning), along with a Corona and lime
Second course: Texas-style chicken fried steak, with glossy, buttery brown gravy and smooth white mashed potatoes with a crater on the top to hold more of that same gravy
Third and final course: kimchi chigae

I like how the article alludes to the final meal as "the edible sound track to my life." So true. Over and over, the foods that touch my innermost me are the foods I've shared with my family and friends. I believe that our taste buds have a far sharper memory than our visual memory. For example, when I visited Korea for the first time in 15 years (a place that I had absolutely no recollection of) I was offered a beverage which I had not tasted since I was 2 years old. At first glance, I didn't remember ever trying it before, yet I recognized the flavor immediately when it hit my tongue. My palate may have become much more refined and even snobby with age, but give me a bubbling pot of stewed kimchi and all of a sudden the world and all its cares seems to fade away. There's really very little more I need in life. What about you - what would you request for your last meal?

Just Do It

2007-09-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

If I were to choose a motto for my life, that would be it. I'm a doer. In fact, I often feel uncomfortable and anxious if I'm not doing something. When we were shopping around for houses, it was the completely remodeled, move-in ready homes that made me feel uneasy. Give me a cosmetic fixer in need of a little TLC any day. And when I want to show someone my care, I don't tell them. To me, actions speak louder than words. That is why I do the meals on wheels ministry for new moms at our church. I'm just not that good at calling people, asking them how their delivery went and all that. I'm concerned, but the only way I know how to show my care and concern is to do something: bring a meal, help around the house, etc... And gifts are just things you buy with money. Anyway, I'm giving this whole personal history, because I feel this is the source of many of the problems I have with people, namely my family... namely my older daughter. Joe on the other hand, isn't concerned with all those things. He just listens and comforts and gives Abby what she really needs. To give a Biblical analogy - I'm Martha and Joe is Mary.

Today was the first day of Kindergarten for Abby. Was I sad? Did I soak in every moment? Not really. Best laid plans aside, I had a horrible time: from trying to get Abby up 2 hours earlier than her body naturally wants to wake up, trying to get myself up early after very little sleep (mainly because I was so nervous about having everything ready), spending time making a breakfast that she was not in the mood to have today, fighting about hairdos, and dealing with bad drivers and the mayhem of finding parking on the first day of school. I, like Martha, was so consumed with all the preparations that I wasn't able to enjoy this very important moment for my daughter. I spent so much time preparing so this moment would be just right and when nothing did go right, I was left with nothing but disappointment. Joe on the other hand, was not stressed about being late, or hair or clothes or breakfast or anything. He was just thinking about Abby and her first day and making it special for her. I think Abby would actually appreciate me more if I stopped doing things like making her lunch and braiding her hair, and started just paying more attention to her and being by her side. I was born to be a Martha though. Doing is what I do best. Unfortunately, the things that I'm good at giving to my daughter, I fear, are secondary to the things she really needs and appreciates.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

2007-05-04T11:43:00.000-07:00

This week Joe and I celebrated our 8th anniversary. Wow, eight years! That's 1/4 of my life. People look at our relationship and they tell us that we're like peanut butter and jelly. In some ways we are just like those 2 elements. This is why I think it's so true. We are definitely very different; one of us nuttier and the other a bit sweeter. We did grow from very different trees (our vastly disparate families). On our own, we are both a bit extreme, but together, we make a very nice combination. If you've ever had just a plain jelly sandwich or just a peanut butter sandwich, you know what I mean. We mellow out each other's temperaments and compliment each other's strengths and weaknesses.

This year I've been praying more for our marriage than ever before and I think that has made a world of difference. I don't know how people stay married without faith in God. Our faith is what makes us able to show grace to one another and put the other's needs before our own. I realize more and more with each passing year the purpose of God's perfectly crafted plan through marriage - so that we may understand His love and grace more fully, so that we may have a supporter when we need lifting, and so that we can glorify God with our combined might. And just as we are more sanctified through faith, so too does our marriage strengthen and improve through our love for one another (the very same love that God has given and shown us through His Son). Happy 8th Anniversary, Joe. You are the peanut butter to my jelly.

The R word

2007-04-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

Lately it's all that I see in the headlines and hear about. That is, RACE. Whether we're talking about the Don Imus controversy or the Virginia Tech shootings or even everyday relationships, race is part of the topic. We're so overly-sensitized to the topic that we're almost becoming numb and callous. It's very sad to me that after so many years of progress in this country, people still choose to simplify and rationalize behavior according to race. Take for example the horrific event that occurred yesterday in Virginia. It was announced that the alleged student was a young Korean-American man. After the Columbine shootings, the public was rushing to blame either schools or negative messages in media or society... just some reason why these seemingly normal [Caucasian] students turned down the wrong path. Virginia Tech was somehow painted as a different story. The student who committed the crime was "foreign," a "South Korean student." Never mind the fact that he has been living in the US for most of his life and is more influenced by American culture than the country which birthed him. He was obviously a very disturbed individual, whatever his race, ethinicity or standing in life. Why is it so easy for us to point a finger at race? And why is it so often the first explanation people we reach for? Instead of digging deeper to understand why people act and think differently from themselves, so often we just stop after looking skin deep.

I've been thinking about this topic as well in my daily interactions with people. In relationships, I believe we're all attracted to people who are similar to us. We may enjoy the company of a fellow musician, or a fellow artist, or we may even choose our friends based on race or class or sex or occupation. Because we're each of a particular class and race and sex and work field, we don't understand others who don't share common lifestyles and experiences. But our brains try to understand these "others" in the best way that it can, based on inferences and prejudices. It's automatic and can't be prevented. With all the increasing communication, the world almost appears to be shrinking and people seem so much more accessible. But at the same time, the world as we know it also seems to be growing larger and more complex. Because our brains are limited, and because there's no way for us to comprehend everyone within each of our constantly growing universes, it becomes necessary for our brains to categorize individuals. It's as if we are closer (at least in our knowledge of others), yet in order to touch (and truly understand) one another we have to traverse down a chasm so deep because of our prejudice, in order to get to the other side.

I know that I'm not blind to race either. I am a Korean American. I came to this country at a very young age, but my upbringing was not typical. I've experienced racism all throughout my childhood and then moved to NY where I lived closely next to people of all races, shapes and sizes. And now I live in a city so segregated that you can almost see the physical racial lines drawn on a map, much like borders of countries. Yes, I did play piano and take lessons for 11.5 years like every other Korean. And I played in orchestra - violin, of course. I did get good grades in math and even briefly studied engineering. Oh, and I did do the pre-med thing, too. I also value education highly and will probably push my girls to be overachievers. BUT, what you didn't know is that I used to skate (not roller) and listen to punk music. I used to go camping every year with my family. I enjoy savoring a good beer and cigar. I am a landscape designer (not on the Approved List of Occupational Professions for Koreans). I like old homes and even fixer-uppers. I have hairy arms and am built nothing like a Korean. I am concerned with environmental conservation and urban politics. And I've only visited Korea twice my entire life. Of course race is a part of how we live. I think we must stop fighting it; stop denying it; stop condoning the abuse of it; stop pointing to it. It's a part of who we are, but it does not define us.

I know what I'm saying is in no way deep or novel, but I think we sometimes forget to care about individuals, with all their dreams, aspirations, experiences, trials and suffering. I too forgot to care. Maybe I'm just being ideal and oversimplifying it, but I think we will only begin to see real change when we start putting ourselves in other people's shoes and making the effort to understand people for who they really are, instead of who they seem to be.

When I grow older losing my hair, many years from now...

2007-03-26T01:30:00.000-07:00

That's a song I used to love in my youth. It's fun to sing songs about growing old when you're young. Not so fun now that I'm growing older. Also not fun is realizing that your jokes are not translating the way you want to the younger, hipper crowd. (Also not hip: using vocabulary like "hip.") For example, I decided recently that I wanted to resurrect some one-liners from television and movies that I thought were great during their heyday. One such quote is, "Have mercy." Perhaps I don't have John Stamos' delivery, but I just don't seem to be getting the gut-busting, side-splitting response that I had anticipated. Another sign of my progressing age: I go to neighborhood watch meetings and plot to catch loitering cars parked with teenagers in them. I hang out with 50 year-olds in my classes and talk about horticulture. The other day I said to my husband, "I could spend all day at the [plant] nursery." I love to go on and on about all the cool options my minivan has. Yesterday I had fun reminiscing with a man I was sitting next to about 8-tracks, and the funny thing is that I was born in the cassette tape era. My idea of luxury is hanging out at a Korean bath house and getting my butt scrubbed. Lately, I have, more often than not, looked around and found myself in a room or venue full of old Jewish people. Who am I?

I made a pact with myself starting this past year that I would embrace every year as I'm living it. I will not long for the past nor will I dread the future. Even when my kids go around bragging that their parents are the most weird and uncool adults on earth, I hereby promise not to: wear ultra mini-skirts (unless my husband requests me to wear them), shop at Forever 21 (or any other store that contains greater than 50% Lycra), text incessantly in secret languages for no apparent reason, pimp my ride to get attention at preschool drop-off/pick-up, borrow from my daughters' wardrobes (unless it looks better on me than them), and take a knife or needle to my face or body. Check back in with me in another decade or so and see how I'm doing with these. And feel free to remind me anytime you see me backsliding. Just a gentle tug on the back of my Lycra/spandex/viscose miniskirt will do.

Manic Monday

2007-03-05T09:16:00.002-08:00

It's Monday again. Dread. I have so much homework again. Why does school always look so appealing when you're not in school? I took a class last semester that was so frustrating because the instructor wasn't good at teaching and didn't assign homework, so 80% of the class was lost all the time. In my evaluation at the end of the semester, I actually told the prof. to assign more homework, because almost every class was wasted having to repeatedly go over things a few of us already understood. Oh well, if he did take my advice, at least I'm not taking that class this year. So, this is my last semester of my program. I'm excited. Not only do I feel great about successfully completing the program, I have a lot to look forward to. I have a few projects lined up already and am getting validation from my peers and instructors that I have what it takes. I'm really nervous because I'm working on a friend's house right now and the installation is happening at this moment. I have a clear picture in my head of what I want it to look like, but I'm not sure how it will look in the end: did I choose the right plant material; are the plants I specified the correct size; will the hardscape be laid properly and complement the natural look I'm trying to achieve; will the flow of the yard be smooth and not awkward; and will the homeowners be able to enjoy the space and fully utilize it as I intended. There's just too much think about.

I had a hard week, partly because I had so much going on. I was trying to pack it all in and maximize all my time, and as a result I wound up neglecting the things that were important to me; the things that really matter: my family. I'm always making choices that at time seem to be good, but in the larger scheme of things, affect others. Almost all my decisions affect my family, even the mundane ones. Even the decision about whether to go to the market today will affect the quality of meals they consume for the rest of the week. My decision about whether I should pursue my career soon will affect schedules and inconvenience everyone.

In life, there is a balance. Even if we're not conscience of that balance, we feel it all the time. When our hormones are not in balance, we are emotional or irrational. When our schedules are not in balance, we feel out of control. When our quotient of give and take is not level, we feel drained or guilty. When our relationships are not balanced, people get disappointed and hurt. And when we are not in God's word, we find the temptation to sin far outweighs the will to do what is right. When I lack balance, I find myself easily tipping over.

In recent years I have found solstice in bonding with other Christian married women with children. Sometimes these women are the only people I know who understand all the pressing concerns that come with raising little developing brains and personalities. And I've gotten back in touch with the life I once had as a citizen of the work force. Finding my strengths in the work world I think has helped me be a better wife, because I am more at peace with my life and because I am able to reconnect with my husband in an area of our lives that was becoming more divergent. As a woman and a type-A personality, I want it all. I want to be a good mom and wife and landscape designer and church member and friend and pupil and daughter and sister and neice and whatever other roles I must fill. I must not disappoint anyone. But sometimes I feel like I'm disappointing everyone, especially the ones I care about most, because of my selfish desire to not want to disappoint anyone. How does this happen? This is yet another area of my life in which I need balance.

Life is hard. Have I said that before? Even when you have it as good as I have, it's still hard. I'm not saying my life is nearly as hard as the impoverished children in Africa. I am certainly blessed with more than I ever deserve. Life just seems far more complex than I ever wanted it to be. It's like my faith. I used to just love God like a child - simple and innocent. The more I study His word, the more unanswered questions I have and the more I feel agony for my sin. I do love Him more deeply because I understand His grace more and more, but it's not just a nice, love-dovey, one-dimensional, God-in-heaven type of feeling anymore. There's blood that had to be shed, there's disobedience, there's suffering. What pulls me up in the end? Knowing that God is the author and perfector of everything. Even my suffering and sin has an end - for His good purpose and His glory, so that we may enjoy Him forever. I endure it all for Him.

TWO GIRLS?!?

2007-02-28T17:08:00.000-08:00

When I was five I imagined I myself as Lynda Carter on normal days and Wonder Woman on not so quiet days. By the time I was 10, I was an insecure mess, trying to be normal in a very Texan world (I realized sometime in my 20s after leaving TX that it was in fact TX that was not so normal). When I hit 20, I thought life could not get any better than living in NY and exploring new places, being exposed to new foods and cultures, and being inspired in a different way almost everyday. Before I was married, I dreamt about finding my life's partner and exploring the world. Before I had children, I contemplated just the two of us and all the freedom and fun we would have together for the rest of our lives. Who knew that I would someday be a mom to 2 girls?

Growing up I was surrounded by boys: my brother, most of my close friends, my husband (who comes from a family of boys and 6 uncles on his dad's side). I used to fight with my dad every Sunday about not wanting to wear a dress. I used to do ollies and skate on a half pipe. I have a low tolerance for drama and don't condone many of the tactics used by females to get their way. I have often been compared to a man. When I read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, it made no sense to me, until I examined myself through the perspective of the man. When I need to resolve issues, I am often the one that retreats to my cave.

When I found out I was pregnant, I almost knew that God was going to bring me a son. After all, I have been trained my whole life to deal with males and think like a male. I didn't believe the doctor's ultrasound, or even the handful of ultrasounds my husband did on me himself. Maybe my little boy was just a late bloomer, I thought.

It took a while for my transformation to who I am today. "SHE'S a GIRL!" I was constantly correcting passer-byers those first few months after Abby was born. How could I blame them; she was always dressed in green or gray, was balder than Yul Brynner and looked like Dom Deluise. I finally broke down and started buying pink.

I didn't even know how to talk to Abby after she was born. That voice that moms use with their babies - that was NOT me. But eventually I learned to communicate with my daughter. My voice did soften and sweeten around her and now my husband can't even tell when I'm talking to them or to him. I guess I have a hard time turning it off.

There was a time when my solution to whining was to yell, "STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" and then leave. Now I've learned to take a deep breath, listen to what is being said underneath the whining, and present alternative forms of communication.

Even my appearance has become more feminine. Someone recently told me that I started to dress better after having the kids. This doesn't usually happen after having kids, but I think I attribute it to being surrounded by more femininity. There are very few people on this earth that are more feminine or interested in being feminine than my Abby. I guess it's just natural that some of that would start rubbing off on me. Does that mean that mothers of boys start to dress in more khakis, polos and sweats?

Years ago, if you had asked me if I wanted children, I would have told you 3 boys. Now? I wouldn't have it any other way. I love having 2 girls and how they've changed me. In a way, they've made me a softer, more sensitive person. They bring out the best in me and let me know all the time that they want to cook like me, bake cakes like me, have long hair like me and someday be a mom like me. When I was little I used to say that I wanted to be Wonder Woman. Today, my daughter told me that she wants to be a mommy.

Not too late for love

2007-02-19T16:40:00.000-08:00

It's been such a hectic month that I forgot to wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day. But since we are celebrating love and heart health all month, I know it's not too late. Appropriately enough, I've been reading back through my last several posts and they all seem to be about the topic (that and pee). Not to sound cheesy and fanatical, I LOVE Jesus. Studying Romans in depth through BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) this year has renewed my passion for Jesus. I recommend BSF for anyone seeking to have a closer relationship with God. They have separate men and women's studies all over the world. It's the best. Okay, that's my plug.

So, this Valentine's has reminded me of the amazing love I have in my savior, Jesus. His love covers my sins and makes me whole; it is my reason for living. And from that amazing and perfect love flows my ability to truly love everyone else: my husband, my children, my parents, my brother, my friends and even those I despise. Not only do we love Him because He first loved us (1 John 4:19), we are able to love Him because He first loved us. Also, from that love has grown the heaviness in the pit of my heart for those that don't know Him and those that turn away from Him. My heart is heavy with His love and with this grief.

Love don't come easy

2007-02-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Relationships are tough; everything from friends to family to marriage. Personalities clash. We tend to impose our expectations for ourselves on others. And of course, we are always the normal ones (in our mind's eye). We all go through a honeymoon phase, where everything about the other person is wonderful, fun and exciting (in friendships too). Even the other's supposed "faults" are not so unbearable, because we are willing to give the benefit of the doubt and overlook a lot. Then reality checks in. We get tired of the disappointment, the misunderstandings and the frustration. We are face to face with conflict; a pivotal fork in the road. Whether we choose to avoid conflict or confront it head-on will determine the future of the relationship. In marriage, if it hasn't happened already, 7 years is about the time when we often start to give up in small and large ways and go separate ways. In friendships, the rift can begin with even smaller, more petty things. It's just easier this way, we say. So often we make choices without volition. Seemingly, we don't choose anything and yet that in itself is an act - a declaration of disregard. We choose ourselves. Why do I talk about this? Because I struggle to wholeheartedly love my friends and family, and even my own husband. When God called us to love our neighbors, it was no small, simple task. I realize now, loving others is as easy as hating myself. Yet that's what it requires - not literally hating myself per se, but loving others that much more. I don't know if I'm able, at least not in this lifetime.

Unexpected love

2007-01-31T20:14:00.000-08:00

I've been watching a slew of movies lately (we're watching films up for Academy Award nomination). Interestingly, even the ones not set in England seem to have British accents. It's the movie-makers way of making the characters sound foreign. There was one that stood out, which we totally didn't expect to be good. In fact, we didn't expect anything because we knew nothing about the movie to begin with. It turned out to be one of the most moving love stories. If you want to see and feel true love, watch The Painted Veil. I don't want to say anymore. Just see it.

The upside of anger

2007-01-29T14:39:00.000-08:00

I haven't seen the movie, but I can predict what its message will be. Today I experienced anger... no, RAGE. To most it may not seem like anything to get my diaper bag all tied up in knots about, but to me, I was at the brink of going ballistic on this stupid, evil man. I was at Blockbuster, just me and the kids. I had to return a movie and decided to run in quickly with the kids and pick up a movie for me and for them. As usual, it was taking longer than expected to make a decision and the kids were getting antsy. They started playing and I had to repeatedly rebuke them. Honestly, they weren't all that bad, but I just wanted to make sure they didn't get hurt or damage anything in the store. So, I'm perusing the aisles and I see this man give me a dirty look, but I keep moving on. His phone rings and he starts talking business with someone on the phone. Looking bothered, he passes by my kids and mumbles something, which I didn't hear. And then he says very audibly to the person on the phone (so I can hear), "I'm sorry, there are these kids and their mom can't control them." But he's saying it in an annoyed, passive aggressive tone. I can maybe understand this type of response if my kids were being rowdy, but they were making a little noise, as children oftentimes do. I chase after him and say, "Excuse me, excuse me. I'm doing everything I can to keep my kids in order, and there is no reason to be so rude!" He says to me that this is a place of business and that I should keep them quiet and then walks off. The thing that gets me is that this is Blockbuster. There is music and previews playing over the loud speaker and if he wants some peace and quiet for his stupid phone call, he should just GET OUT! What is up with people?! Why do they insist on being so rude?

For everyone who's ever given a mom with kids a dirty look on a plane, or in a check out line, or at the mall, or anywhere, SHAME ON YOU! Get a clue. You do not own this f***ing planet. We are people too, who, by the way, are just trying to live and make it through the day like anyone else. Anyway, after my rant, I came home and called a friend and she assured me that I did nothing wrong, but it was just that poor man's inability to be gracious to others. People are just mean. I sometimes have a hard time understanding this, because I often expect people to be conscientious of others. I am disappointed repeatedly, as I was today. Next time I cross paths with that man or anyone who has something to say about how obnoxious my children are, I will just look at them sadly and say, "I feel so sorry for you."

Pee-pee or Poo-poo

2007-01-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

For those of you who have been following my potty-training woes, I have some progress to report. "What the?!!" you exclaim, "You're still potty training that girl?!!" It appears that my younger daughter has made it her life mission to never ever give mom a break. I'm sentenced to a life of wiping butts, I'm afraid. All this time I thought she simply didn't like going to the potty (for whatever reason), and now I find that it's just too inconvenient for her to get her little rear over to the bathroom when she feels the urge. Let's just say that she's the type of girl that doesn't like to be rushed - not to eat, not to get dressed, not to clean, not to answer her parents, not ANYTHING. I weep for her future husband. So, instead of going to the toilet before the pee comes out, she will sometimes do this thing, which tells me that she should really just go in the toilet. When we're at home she will go to the bathroom, but only when she gets good and ready and then she proceeds to remove her pull-up. By this time it is fully saturated and there is no point to her being in the bathroom. Her next step is to grab a clean pull-up and change herself. At least that part of my job has gotten easier. To add to my madness, she likes to keep me on my toes and surprise me with a little game of Guess what's in my diaper. Sometimes she tells me she went pee when there's actually poo or vice versa. So, everytime I go with her to change her diaper, it's a mystery: will it be solid or is it wet or perhaps, a little of both? I don't like being unprepared before I open that diaper. It's like coming dressed in jeans and walking in to find the event is a black tie formal, or training for months for hand-to-hand combat and finding out that the enemy has just released a nuke on you. Why me?!!!

Well, here's when I get to the good news. This week was the first week that Dora has been going up the mountain faster than Swiper. (If you remember back months ago, I had made a diagram in the shape of a mountain with 2 opposing moveable figures on either side: Dora the Explorer and Swiper the Fox. Everytime Sarah successfully goes in the potty, Dora advances a step up the mountain. If she soils her diaper, Swiper gets to move). Way back in the beginning, I tried to get Sarah to dream and set her sights on the amazing prize she was going to win if Dora made it to the top of the mountain first. It didn't take much time for me to realize that this method was probably going to get old before we ever witnessed Dora's first victory. Again, remember that she is not motivated by getting anywhere fast or first. Well, I am happy to report that pretty soon I expect Dora to finally make that long, arduous climb to the top of the mountain before that sneaky old fox. Of course, this does mean that I'm going to have to anty up and get her something really good.

For lack of a better title: Happy New Year

2007-01-12T11:58:00.003-08:00

Goodbye 2006
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

I don't really think it is, but I will endure another one. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to look forward to this year, but I just sometimes dread the weight of a new year. A new year means new responsibilities and new challenges. It's hard enough getting through all the things I've left unfinished and all that is still left to start. I definitely don't need new pressures. This year I pretended like January 1 was the same as December 32, 2006. I've decided that I don't even like New Year's celebrations anymore. Who wants to be at a crowded party in the middle of the night. No thanks. This whole season exhausts me. Maybe part of my crankiness is due to the fact that I couldn't see my family this season.

Anyhow, 2006 wasn't all that bad. Looking back, there were plenty of wonderful memories. For a moment, I forgot about all the smiles I had, until I started sifting through the thousand and thousands of photos I have saved away on my computer. I wanted to post some of my favorite moments here and share with you some of my smiles from 2006 (just click on the photo to view my Flickr album).

Thanks

2006-11-30T23:47:00.000-08:00

It's finally approaching the end of 2006, and the time when my brain shuts down for vacation until sometime next February. Am I the only one who finds it hard to get it together at the end and beginning of every year? This year I am thankful for my wonderful family, in Texas and here in Cali, especially for my loving husband, whom I never tire of getting to know better. I am so blessed to be surrounded by a loving church family, full of women who I feel care for my well-being (and can party hard) and brothers who are willing to put up with our party lifestyle, an enriching year for me and the children, getting through many busy weeks filled with classes and various extracurricular activities for the girls, getting back to the Bible through BSF (Bible Study Fellowship), positive changes and more stability with Joe's job, and just being happy and healthy this year. I don't take any of it for granted and owe it all to God.

Now excuse me while I hibernate and recharge for 2007.

Happy Birthday Bro

2006-11-28T23:49:00.000-08:00

My baby brother is now 25 years old. Happy Birthday AND congratulations on getting engaged AND on finally graduating - three big things to celebrate this year!

Here are some famous people with whom you share a birthday:

77 Berry Gordy Jr. - Motown Records founder, 70 Gary Hart - Former U.S. senator, D-Colo., 66 Bruce Channel - Singer-songwriter, 64 Paul Warfield - Football hall-of-famer, 63 Randy Newman - Singer-songwriter, 60 Joe Dante - Movie director, 57 Paul Shaffer - Bandleader (''Late Show With David Letterman''), 56 Ed Harris - Actor, 53 Michael Chertoff - Secretary of homeland security, 50 Kristine Arnold - Country singer (Sweethearts of the Rodeo), 47 Judd Nelson - Actor, 45 Alfonso Cuaron - Director (''Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban''), 44 Matt Cameron - Rock musician, 44 Jon Stewart - TV host (''The Daily Show''), 39 Anna Nicole Smith - TV personality, 38 Dawn Robinson - R&B singer, 28 Aimee Garcia - Actress (''George Lopez''), 27 Chamillionaire - Rapper, 18 Scarlett Pomers - Actress (''Reba'')

Who knew you shared so much in common with Anna Nicole Smith?

What if...

2006-11-21T13:48:00.000-08:00

After much deliberation, Joe and I have decided to stop at 2 kids. I packed up clothes, toys and gear that the girls have outgrown and even got rid of some things, including our Pack N Play. This weekend I had a night out with the girls and some drinks. Yesterday I was feeling nausea. And now, I'm late. I got rid of baby stuff, had a night of drinking, have been feeling nauseous, and am late. What if... This is not looking good.

Highlights from home

2006-11-13T08:38:00.000-08:00

Things that remind me to be thankful for what I have:

Painstakingly making peanut butter sandwiches shaped like hearts and lovingly packing them in your child's lunch box. Then being told by your child that she refuses to eat peanut butter and jelly. What child doesn't eat PB & J? Tough cookies, toots. You should be happy I'm not sending you to school with breaded chicken liver.
Finally making it to the end of another semester of classes and still loving what I'm doing. Tonight we have to present our final design for our projects. I'll let you know how it goes.
Getting my husband back after a long weekend apart. Not only was I happy that he had a good time with his friends in Vegas, I was also glad to see that he came back with the same amount of cash in his wallet as when he left.
Eating the most mouth-watering, sensual sushi at Katsuya last night (the raw sweet scallops were practically R-rated). Is it a sin to lust after sushi?
Witnessing my baby's first successful poo in the potty. [chorus sings: Hallelujah] And it was a big one. Am I glad that didn't wind up in her diaper for me to have to clean.

It's gonna be a good week. I can feel it already.

One womb, two woes

2006-11-07T16:17:00.000-08:00

It sometimes amazes me how different my 2 girls are. Not only do they look so different (to me), their personalities couldn't be more opposite. For instance, Abby has a temper and can sometimes be impatient. Sarah is more slow to anger and although she is going through her terrible 2's, she diffuses fairly quickly. Abby is loud and bold (we know who she gets this from) and Sarah is mild and meek. Abby is outgoing and sociable, Sarah is suspicious and introverted. When Abby started school last year, she was so happy to go everyday that she barely even noticed or cared about us leaving when we dropped her off. She was like this from the first day. It amazes me how highly adaptable she is. Sarah on the other hand loved school the first week and then decided the second week that she no longer wanted to leave mommy's side anymore. For the past week or so, she has been crying and screaming when we go to drop her off (it's even worse when I'm the one leaving her). On the days she's not in school, I talk about school and prepare her for the next day she has to go. All of us, Abby included, have been hyping it up. Abby even helps me take Sarah to her classroom first, so she can see that Abby is being dropped off too. So, this morning I thought she would be better. I left ample time to allow her to adjust, and Abby helped me soothe her. She whined and fussed, and as soon as I left, she began to scream. And instead of going to her, I ran... away. As fast as I could. I did all I could to assure her that I would not leave her for long and that she would have fun, but really what more could I do? Feeling guilty, I popped my head back through the door about 5 minutes later to check back on her. Once I saw the teacher give me a wink, I knew that everything was fine. According to the teacher, within a few minutes after I left, she was playing with her friends and eating snacks. She was just putting up an act. There's one thing my girls do have in common, and that's shear drama.

Thoughts about schools

2006-11-05T00:32:00.000-08:00

The discussion about public versus private schools is always going on in our home lately. Next year our little girl will be entering kindergarten. Interestingly, I have come from being a staunch proponent of the public school system, to a supporter of private school education, and then back to public again. From my observations, private schools generally contain children from 2 different family backgrounds: 1) those that highly value education and/or 2) those that have loads of disposable income. Public schools, on the other hand, contain a different mix: 1) those that value education as an opportunity to gain more than textbook knowledge or 2) those who don't want to be there, but don't have a choice. I want a school that contains children from both #1's, without the #2's. I am even considering becoming one of those moms that commutes almost an hour each way to send my child to school. Is this crazy? I mean, how different will the outcomes really be for my children if they attend the public school down the street, versus the prestigious (and highly academic) private school a bit farther off, versus the "ideal" school over the hills and through the traffic-filled woods? As I ponder this, I realize that our decision on where to send our child is influenced less by what the school teaches, and more by the type of peers my child will interact with. Children will all learn to read and write in their own time, but the values they pick up these formative years, those are hard to change. These values become a part of their thinking for the rest of their lives. Who I am, including my insecurities, my self-confidence, and my perception of myself in relation to the world was and is shaped by the people around me. So, to me, it makes sense to think this way. Am I thinking too much into this issue and am I trying too hard to control every unknown in my children's future? Maybe so. But this could be one of the most important decisions we make for our children, especially since, if we were to go the private school route, this could possibly be the school they attend until they leave for college. I am grateful that we have the option to send our children to private school (as long as we don't have any more unintended mishaps). The choices among the over 70 private schools in the area, however, range the whole spectrum - on one end you have the school that boasts of famous and highly esteemed alumni such as Paris Hilton, and on the other you have the earthy, "anthroposophic" school that emphasizes healthy play and artistic learning. Ultimately, I want my children to go to a school that values my child's education as a high priority and inspires them to reach their highest potential. Every parent wants the same, but how a school achieves these goals is what parents differ on the most.

Officially becoming an adult

2006-10-31T01:17:00.000-08:00

I consider myself an adult because I have:

learned to set goals for myself and at least make a plan to achieve them.
more often tried to choose what's good for me over what I really want. And sometimes these choices have become more automatic.
had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex for more than a year and not killed him (yet).
planned a trip from start to finish and included all the essentials (I'm getting good at this one).
stopped getting carded by the grocery store checkout guy (even though it says they have to ask EVERYONE that looks under 36 or 37).
fallen out of MTV's target age group. All of a sudden in the past few years, MTV has become progressively more stupid to me.
developed a severe distrust and fear of teenagers.
made Costco my first place to shop. If Costco had a wedding registry when we were getting married, you know I'd be all over that.
stopped needing to get somewhere or do something ALL the time.
learned to savor the good things in life: such as time with those you love and time without those you love.
lost the desire to listen to loud music, drink excessively, and ride life-threatening roller coasters.
had a live baby come out of me (twice) and given all that is within me to raise them.
taught a child something useful.

And finally, I can now say that I've planned and executed 2 semi-formal dinner parties, one of which I planned the menu and prepared the food for as well. After 7 years of marriage, I pulled out flatware and dinnerware that I didn't think I'd ever see again. And all of a sudden I felt so different, as if all my childhood tea parties and pretend banquets had been preparing me for this moment. I know I'm already an adult, but suddenly I feel more official. I feel as if I've entered a new stage of adulthood... "formal (dinner party) adulthood."

Men are from Mars

2006-10-30T01:45:00.000-08:00

Some of the ladies and I were talking about doing something for our husbands. Something nice. What do men want? When men think about presents for their wives, they automatically go to gadgets and electronics, things they themselves would appreciate. And when women try to find the perfect gift for their man, they think of things like massages at a spa and a nice dinner. I guess it's all part of our inability to put ourselves in the other sex's shoes. So, some of the ladies suggested a spa day for our men. What did the men come up with instead? A trip to the shooting range followed by a satisfying steak dinner. Could men and women be any more different?

Celebrity sighting

2006-10-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

So we had our first sighting today - I mean that a random stranger recognized us while we were out and asked us if we were the couple on reDesign. It caught me off guard at first. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed or proud. My friend Julie was there at the time and she got me thinking. She seems to think there are tons of other people out there that will recognize us, but not say anything. This thought has started to get me really self conscious. All of a sudden I see people staring at me and can't help but wonder what they're thinking and what they'll say behind our backs: "Oh snap. I saw that girl from last week's reDesign episode picking her nose." or "That guy from that show we saw is really obnoxious. He wouldn't even give us an autograph. Jerk." Will stardom change us? I hope not. Joe seems to think that it's not a big deal and that not many people really watch the show. Oh well, whatever the case, I guess I'm going to have to watch myself in public and not be so vulgar or lewd anymore.

Empty nest

2006-10-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

I finally have the house to myself. No kids. No husband. Why? Because, starting today my youngest is in school 2 days a week. I debated about this decision for many long months. I wanted to keep her home as long as possible, but now I see the benefit of going out and making new friends, learning new things from skilled teachers, and having a daily routine (things that I couldn't give her). I fully intend to use my free time taking care of myself, doing classwork, being productive and just enjoying myself, in the hopes that this will all make me a better and happier mom. It doesn't get much better than this moment right now. I don't have the pressure of work, nor do I have the pressure of kids. Plus with Sarah halfway potty trained and Abby going into kindergarten next year, my work is almost done, right? Somehow I don't think I'm off the hook just yet, but I'm tasting the good life more and more each day, and it tastes mighty sweet.

Unfair

2006-10-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

My bro just called me from TX and said that he's watching our reDesign episode on TV right now. And what's worse is that so is more than half of the US, not including us. We have to wait 3 more hours. This doesn't make any sense to me. This time zone thing has got to go. Those of you on Central and Eastern time, I hate you.

Girls need sisters

2006-10-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

This weekend I got fed, and I mean in the physical, mental, spiritual and emotional sense. I just got back from a 3 day retreat with 20 ladies from our church. Sure I haven't pooped in 3 days and have averaged about 4-5 hours of sleep the last 3 nights, but how often do I get to take off from all my daily responsibilities and just enjoy the company of other women? Here's a picture from our "10-minute" hike. Fortunately, we all made it unscathed and finished with a breathtaking view of the gushing waterfall you see behind us.

We have a good group of sisters from all walks of life. We represent different careers, interests, stages of life and races. We each bring our own gifts and our own personality traits. When I think about this weekend, it reminded me of orientation week freshman year of college. We spent all hours of the day and night with each other, and in that time we learned more about one another, in a way that you can't do from just seeing each other on Sunday. That's why college friends are so special. When you've endured long talks at absurd hours of the night in your pajamas over bowls of ramen together, there's something magical that happens. Mmmm. I didn't grow up having sisters so it's always a blessing for me to get some time with ladies. Girls just need sisters.

It was also so satisfying to delve into the word and enjoy seminars led by one of the sisters from our church, who happens to be a gifted teacher and orator. We learned about our suffering and were reminded through Job and Christ's death on the cross that God truly does know and understand our suffering. And that our present suffering is also a blessing, something we endure and gladly give to the Lord we love. Amen for sisters and amen to a beautiful (yet exhausting) weekend retreat. I'm already excited for next year. I had such a good time that I didn't think too much about missing my girls. Does that make me a bad mom? But I was SO excited to see them for the first time in 3 days, and I got the biggest, tightest, warmest hugs from them, too. I was very proud of Joe for taking good care of the girls while I was gone and even handling a few extras, such as an early morning dentist's visit for the girls (first visit ever for both of them) and taking them downtown for a festival. Because I have Mr. Mom living with me, what do you say we consider making these retreats semi-annual, huh, ladies?

A toilet miracle

2006-09-26T09:16:00.000-07:00

Late last night we had a breakthrough, a toilet miracle, you could say. Sarah came out of her bed and exclaimed that she wanted to go potty. I was highly doubtful. She has tried to come out of bed for any excuse under the sun (moon). This was probably just a ploy to not sleep. Plus, what toddler who doesn't even get peeing in the potty all of sudden catch themselves when they have an urge in the middle of the night. IMPOSSIBLE. So, not wanting to discourage her or send mixed messages, I reluctantly took her to the bathroom. But this time, something came out. PEE! I was freaking out. After we got her cleaned up after her big accomplishment, she quickly reminded me, "One jellybean, Mommy." That girl has every promise I've ever made to her etched in her brain. At first I was trying to convince her that the jelly bean was going to rot her teeth and that she would get her reward in the morning. But then I looked down at her sweet, disappointed face. She can play me like a violin. And I remembered the promise I made. No exceptions. So, I got out the jellybean and she went over to Dad to proudly tell him the good news. It's time to pull out the big girl underwear. My little girl's all growns up.

Honestly, I'm proud of Sarah and all, but inside I'm also dreading all the false alarms, rushed trips to awful public restrooms, and accidents. When I don't have to clean up another disgusting, poop-covered butt, THAT is when I'll be a free woman.

Potty training deja vu

2006-09-23T11:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a year and half and I'm back on potty duty again. Needless to say, Patty Potty and I did not turn out to be the best of friends last time we worked together on a 6-month long project named Abby. We're back again, but this time with a new archrival: Sarah Super Soaker. Expecting that things would go more smoothly and more quickly the second time around (and also hoping that Sarah would just simply follow her sister's lead), I took a relaxed approach. With Sarah at 2 1/2 now and my growing intolerance of the morning trash drop, I've decided to get serious. I'm pulling out the big guns: stickers, jelly beans, chocolate, whatever it takes to motivate this girl. Even Abby gets an incentive if she can get her sister to go in the potty and not in her pants. Initially there was a lot of excitement over all the cool stickers and the large jar of jelly beans. The excitement has grown stale.

Last week I decided to get creative. A friend of mine told me how her son loves Cars the movie and how she made a race track with movable cars that moved forward 1 step each time he peed/had an accident. With each successful potty attempt, Lightning McQueen would advance along the racetrack, and with each accident, the opposing car would move ahead. I made a similar diagram, but modified it to Sarah's passion: Dora. If she goes pee in the potty, Dora gets to climb one step up the mountain. If she has an accident, Swiper moves up. If Dora makes it to the top of the tallest mountain before Swiper, she gets a prize. Sounds like a great concept, doesn't it? This is a great tool for a child who is interested in long-term goals, can deal with delayed gratification and is competitive. Anyone have any potty training techniques for children who can sit in poop and pee all day, have no concept of long-term goals and are not very competitive? If she ever does get motivated to pee, she will get stickers, jelly beans, big girl panties and the privilege of moving Dora (which I took great care in making) up the mountain. Open your eyes, girl! You're sitting on a goldmine! And Abby, she has now assumed the role of Swiper and revels in moving Swiper up the mountain every time Sarah wets her diaper.

Conquering Half Dome and El Capitan

2006-09-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

Half Dome
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

Well. Not quite. But we did conquer our first trip to beautiful, picturesque Yosemite National Park with the girls. And we did brave the steep hike to Vernal Falls. The girls even walked a large portion of the hike, which is rated "Moderately difficult." This is a major feat considering that the difficulty of those hikes in the books are not rated by preschoolers. We have two future mountaineers in the making. Yosemite is hands-down my favorite national park. I could not stop taking pictures and staring at the 360 degrees of beauty. Here are only a few highlights from our excursion.

I think my favorite moment from our 3 day trip was renting bikes and catching all the wildlife and scenery along the Yosemite valley with the girls in their little bike trailer. For Joe I think it was the thrill of being the fastest car in the park, twisting through the windy roads in a minivan (I'm sure it would have been more exhilarating in a Ferrari, but then, where would we put the kids?). For the girls, it was probably swimming at the hotel and sipping hot cocoa while watching Dora from our hotel room. It was truly a trip for the whole family to enjoy.

Update on airdate

2006-09-06T17:04:00.000-07:00

We finally have confirmation on our airdates for our reDesign episode. It's been almost a year since we were first selected for the show and we'll finally get to see how it comes out on TV. Of course we already know how the room turns out. The room is fabulous, but I can't make any guarantees about our performance. So, for those of you who have been waiting and asking, the show will be airing 10/21 at 8PM ET/PT on HGTV.

Books in my life

2006-08-29T23:47:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged by Helen.

One book that changed your life? The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Fadiman.
One book you have read more than once? Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
One book you would want on a desert island? The Bible. If I'm on a deserted island, you better believe that I'm going to be looking to God. Plus, the Bible is the one book that reveals something new every time you read it.
One book that made you laugh? Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
One book that made you cry? Still Life With Rice by Lee.
One book you wish had been written? What I Should Do With My Life and How to Do It Without Failing and With Minimal Disappointment
One book you wish had never been written? I don't think there's a single book that I've read that I haven't at least gleaned something from. Even poorly written or completely myopic writing teaches us something about humanity. The only book that comes to mind is this Venomous Animals book that I read when I was in elementary. It mostly consisted of life-sized, gruesome photos of venomous snakes and sea creatures. I still vividly remember the pictures and it haunts me today.
One book you are currently reading? My Sister's Keeper by Picoult. It's our current book club selection.
One book you have been meaning to read? There are so many. Next up are: In the Absence of the Sun (Lee) and Reading Lolita in Tehran (Nafisi)

By the way, totally a tangent, but I'm so happy that The Office won a much-deserved Emmy for Best Comedy.

A Prayer

2006-08-29T23:28:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that already a year has passed since Katrina and almost 5 years since 9/11. I wonder sometimes if we have made enough progress. And what am I doing to aid that progress? Sometimes I feel anxious to DO something, that my prayers are not action enough. But then, I must continue to live my own life as well. And even though I still feel deep sadness, I know I must press on - I have a family to raise and a husband to support. I thank God everyday that I have at least that, when so many others still suffer their losses. I pray for God's sustaining comfort and even more healing upon his suffering children.

To know me is to love me

2006-08-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

When my husband and I got hitched a little over 7 years ago, we had no idea what we were getting into. We knew that I was a little messy and that he was a little loud, but how could we be SO STUPID? In my mind, nothing could go wrong. When someone asked one of us a question, we knew how the other would answer. We were inseparable and absolutely perfect for each other. When you look at the person you're about to marry, you never think about the fights you're going to have and about having fights about the same annoying things for years and years. Everything looks so rosy and perfect. But sometimes, it's true, we forget to love each other. We forget about the commitment we made to each other. Add work, children and in-law pressures to the mix and you have the makings for a true underdog story. Life isn't easy and marriage is even harder. You see so many failed marriages and those that have gone sour like overly-fermented kimchi.

I don't know how people stay married without God. Without God as the center of marriage, it becomes easy for OTHER things to fall into the center: self-pride, ambition and just selfishness. And without God, if my spouse doesn't meet MY needs or fit in with my agenda, then what's the point?

In my blog, you often hear me talking about fights with Joe. Fights are a normal part of marriage and I'm just more candid about having them. Also, I have more frustration than others when it comes to fighting, because 1) I never learned how to resolve conflict before meeting Joe, 2) I am stubborn and 3) I have a bad temper. Fortunately for me, I married the preeminent conflict resolution scholar. But sometimes our problems can be magnified, because in the area of conflict resolution, we are like Bush and Kim Jong Il. I think I may be Kim Jong Il in this analogy and Joe may be Bush, but not as red-neck and definitely not as stupid. I'm sure there's a better analogy, but I can't seem to think of one right now. Anyhow, it's amazing how we overlooked this MAJOR difference when we said "I Do."

To REALLY KNOW your spouse and still love him, AND to be known and still be loved is the key to marriage. Who else knows your faults and weaknesses, your aspirations and fears, and is still there by your side to support and love you? The problem is that to really understand the other person takes an immense amount of work. In my years of marriage I have found that the most difficult aspect is communication. For some reason, when I say one thing, my husband hears something else and vice versa. I wouldn't be surprised if for every hour of interaction we had together, there were at least 4 misunderstandings. Some of these could get overlooked or unnoticed and others could cause problems down the road. So often we think the other person in the marriage wants what we want or thinks the way we think. And then we get mad because the other person doesn't react the way we expect. I started reading this book by R.C. Sproul called The Intimate Marriage, and in it Sproul challenges the reader to a test (you can try it at home): list 10 concrete things (needs/desires) on a sheet of paper that you would like your spouse to do for you. Then, on the back list 10 things you think your spouse would like you to do for him/her. Exchange papers and compare answers. If all 20 answers match, you were truly a match made in heaven. If not, then there's still room for improvement in communication.

Like a car, without regular tuneups things begin to fall apart in the relationship until the car stops going. So, this past week we had some talks and some fights about our relationship and what came out of it was so productive. We learned that we need to make time to communicate more, through talks, dates and family worship; and that we both truly want the best for each other. I know Joe loves me because he tries to be a better husband for me (with little and large sacrifices), he makes constant efforts to understand me, and he is completely devoted to me and the girls. I hope the next time we get into an argument, and unfortunately we will, I will remember these things about Joe and what we learned this week, and then try harder.

Ladies' Night, Oh What a Night

2006-08-19T02:52:00.000-07:00

I just got back from going out with 9 other ladies from church. Sounds deceptively tame and innocent, doesn't it? We went to our favorite seedy bar in K-town, but our excuse was the chicken wings (that's the excuse guys give when they say they want to go to Hooters). Did you know that until recently I never had tong-ddak (Korean version of fried chicken)? And there is a whole other menu of Korean foods exclusively created as "bar food" and intended for consumption with alcohol. Gotta hand it to the Koreans - they know how to party AND feed you right. So, after a night of laughing our heads off and eating to our heart's content, I'm still not tired. I think I'm too wired to sleep. Lemon soju - it's a good thing. After swapping funny honeymoon stories, dating stories, and every other odd topic under the sun, we sat back in awe. I should have taken a picture of the food before we completely devoured and tore it apart. Mmmm. Why is it that Korean bars have the BEST food? Now THAT is TRUE comfort food. Hmmm. My in-laws were wondering where they should take me for my birthday and I'm tempted to request a dinner at OB Bear. Would that be too inappropriate to ask my in-laws to take me to a bar? Thanks, ladies for all the entertainment and laughs. We must do it again.

The honest truth about childbirth

2006-08-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of unpleasantries that come with pregnancy and labor. A few books out there talk about some of these not-so-hot topics and actually delve into the gory details. Most don't. I love sharing my experiences, good or bad. As much as I read beforehand to prepare me for childbirth, when the time came, I still felt unprepared. "Why didn't anyone tell me about [this] or [that]?," I would say. In my mind, I can't imagine anyone not wanting to have all the information available to help prepare and make the most thoughtful decision possible. If a stranger were to stop and ask me about my experience in the delivery room, I wouldn't spare a single detail. I've learned through time that this is not always the most prudent thing to do. There are those who appreciate and want to soak up all available information and prepare for the worst. And there are those who prefer not to dwell on what could happen, and instead take each trial as it comes. For instance, I have useful advice for pregnant women about post-partum cramping and swelling (beyond anything you could imagine), massaging/stretching your perineum (as important as Kegels), scrubbing your nipples beforehand, and requesting a mirror during delivery. "What for?," you may ask. I will spare you the gory details. But, if you are able and ready to hear the truth, I am here to meet your information needs.

What I'm thinking about today

2006-08-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

I find it very surprising that after 10 years, there is still a ridiculous amount of media attention on the JonBenet Ramsey case. And was there really someone who devoted the past 10 years to finding the killer? Wow. If only there was nearly that much effort put into the other 7-800 child homicides that occur every year. Other than the obvious (JonBenet's race, socioeconomic status and her cuteness), was there a reason why her death deserved that much more attention? With all the new developments about the JonBenet's case, I am reminded of the horrific murder that occurred almost 10 years ago and how grave my responsibility is to protect my children. There are vicious predators out there everywhere preying on weaker, innocent, vulnerable little children. When psychologists want to get to the root of adults' psychoses they ask about an individual's childhood, because that is when we form the basis for how we look at the world and our relationship to it. Each child is so fragile and so precious.

Last weekend we visited a good friend from church who just had her second child, Naomi. We have all stages of families at our church: single and available, married without kids, married with one, married with 2, married with 3 and soon, married with 4. It's just a matter of time before the number of members IN diapers outnumber those who are potty trained (including us adults).

Anyway, I find it relieving to watch experienced moms nurture their second/third/etc.. child. You see, once we've experimented on our first child and stopped obsessing over every little change/development/ Academy of Pediatrics recommendation, raising another baby becomes almost second-nature. There's less stress, less second-guessing, less anxiety and just more enjoyment. On the other hand, it's also sad because so much effort and thought was put into deliberately planning every decision of our firstborn's life. And then with our subsequent kids we're constantly cutting corners and taking shortcuts. They get leftover clothes, leftover names (we all have a name picked out for our firstborns), leftover toys, and even leftover time (the 10 minutes left after picking up and dropping off our firstborns at school, ballet class, swimming, etc.., and running errands). I'm already so relaxed and unstructured as it is, I fear that were I to have another child, s/he would come out with a name like Reef (after my favorite flip flops), run with scissors and register for the Green party. Anyway, I had a momentary lapse again after holding baby Naomi, but I assure you, there will be no more babies coming out of me.

Free babysitting

2006-08-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

My parents just left this past week and what did we do to take advantage of all the in-home free babysitting? We went to the movies. Every night. We saw two movies in particular that were worth watching: Little Miss Sunshine and Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. As much as I mock the movie industry and all, I must admit that there is something so satisfying about a good movie. It can be so telling and so poignant. Little Miss Sunshine I think is now one of my all time favorites, but of course, I don't want to hype it up. It's a quirky movie about a middle class family and their individual quests to become a "winner." Although they're a band of misfit "losers," their story is so refreshing and uplifting, because ultimately it reminds us that it's not about winning; it's about being true to yourself. As dysfunctional as their family is, I found myself loving each of them and sensing that they truly have what it takes to make a family work. I haven't laughed so hard at a movie since Steve Carrell's last movie - 40 Year-Old Virgin. Oh, and great cast, too. If you haven't seen it yet, you should.

Talladega Nights was another movie with a surprisingly similar lesson about being true to oneself. It also reminded me a bit of the movie Cars in that Ricky Bobby, the stupid cowboy racecar driver discovers who and what are really important in life. "Shake and Bake" exemplifies the entire movie - inane and random. I think it may have been one of Will Ferrell's best performances and Sacha Baron Cohen also plays in this movie as Bobby's French, gay nemesis. Before the movie began, I saw a preview of his upcoming movie, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, which I look forward to seeing this fall. So, if you're looking to go to the movies and don't know what to see, I'd enthusiastically recommend these two.

10 Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

2006-08-05T01:18:00.000-07:00

After my friend Cha posted her 10 things, I had to think long and hard, because I think I've just about said it all. Instead, I kept thinking of the 10 things I WOULD say. Here are 10 phrases you will probably never hear come out of my mouth:

You wanna fight (seriously)?
Would you like me to dispose of that lizard/snake/spider/insect for you?
I have a craving for soondae (Korean blood sausage encased in pork intestines).
Does this make my boobs look too huge?
I need it to be hotter. MORE HEAT!
What I want more than anything is a pair Uggs.
I'd like my steak well-done please.
I prefer the taste and texture of fat-free foods.
She has a rubber vagina... oh wait, I've already said that one . I favor my left armpit.
I'm pregnant again.

Never say never, right?

Must see

2006-08-04T03:12:00.000-07:00

WOW is all I can say. Thanks, Chris.

Kids and capitalism

2006-07-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

Joe and I were sitting around the other night, relaxing and having a discussion about capitalism (If you think this is weird, you should talk to Joe about his alternative to Fantasy baseball - it's call Fantasy supreme court justices). I think we have become a bit more liberal with time - this would never have happened if we just stayed in Texas for the rest of our lives. But seriously, we were thinking about how unjust the capitalist market is. Yet we know that we couldn't stand to live in any other world. How can one person make so much money shooting a ball into a hoop, while others with "less valued" skills sit in poverty. Who designated values for such skills? Why is the value placed on skills so inequitable? Isn't it also interesting that we work so hard to teach our children the basic principles of being fair, sharing, treating others as equals, and not keeping score, yet I hardly see these principles in practice in the adult world? For instance children's sports leagues often say that they want their kids to play for fun and so they don't keep score. Is it because kids have the rest of their lives to keep score, or is it because they are trying to fool their children into thinking that this is how adults behave? You know the parents are keeping score anyway and letting their kids know who won in the end.

Once our children get that first bittersweet taste of capitalism, there's no turning back. All of a sudden things won't seem worthwhile without a prize or incentive, and equality is just a blurb in the back of an employee manual or 3 letters on the bottom corner of some letterhead. These are tough concepts for a child to understand. How do we as parents begin to translate for our children the world and how it operates, alongside our lessons of goodness and fairness? I sometimes wonder, did Trump sit down with his kids too, like the rest of us and say, "Ivanka, it's not about whether you win or lose." Doesn't that seem totally hypocritical? And why wouldn't we be satisfied with socialism? So what if we become the poorest country on the planet? At least we will all have access to healthcare and have food on our tables, and won't have poverty. I guess Marx didn't account for sin when he envisioned utopia, because in the end, isn't life all about winning? So it seems. That's when I'm thankful that my life is more than just THIS life. All my toiling is just temporary and my true satisfaction lies in the hope and life ahead in Jesus Christ.

Four years of smiles

2006-07-23T00:59:00.000-07:00

Tonight we celebrated Abby's 4th Birthday with some of her friends. It was the largest party we've had for her yet, except for her 1st birthday, which was almost like a wedding reception (but she'll never remember it). I think in the end there were 15 kids and 7 babies (plus adults). It was almost 120 degrees today and unfortunately for our daughter she will always be stuck having summer parties. At least we were indoors. Because of the anticipated heat, this year we opted for the indoor prepackaged party, which is totally not my style, since I like to have control over every aspect of party planning. In fact, I apologize in advance to my daughters for what I will put them through on their wedding days. In the end, it was very nice. I got to enjoy the party and watch my daughter have a good time, and I didn't have to stress over planning all the activities. Oh yeah, and did I mention the scorching heat outside?!!! What did I say before about global warming? I did of course have to get involved somehow, so I made my greatest culinary creation yet - the Barbie princess cake, which consisted of a plastic Barbie on a stake, stuck into a dome shaped pink frosted cake (strawberry cake on the outside and yellow cake with pineapple in the middle). Dude, buttercream is not as easy to make as it looks. It reminded me of Abby's first birthday party, except this time I didn't have my sous chefs, Cha and my brother, to sift all my powdered sugar and flour for me.

Watching my daughter today at the party I was reminded of what an extraordinarily special girl she is. Most girls her age would be overwhelmed at a party with so many kids and activities. But not our big girl. She was so overjoyed just because all her friends were there with her to celebrate her special occasion. I can already picture her 30 years from now, entertaining crowds, mingling with ease and being surrounded with people. She was born with a love for people. As a baby she always loved to smile at strangers and talk to people everywhere we went. She actually inspires me to be more loving and open towards others. Her smile melts my heart. And she has a laugh that is so contagious. It's one of those that is so hearty that her eyes squeeze shut and head falls back from the propulsion of the laugh coming out.

We're all the same, and yet so different

2006-07-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

Did you know that it's an unwritten protocol that wherever you are, in whatever city, Costco employees all around the world draw big smiley faces on the back of your receipt if you have a child with you? I've hit at least a dozen different Costco's from coast to coast and in Hawaii, and it's all the same. Hmmm. Another reason why I love Costco.

For the past few nights we have been catching a show on one of those sci fi channels called "The Baby Human." It's fascinating what researchers uncover about the human brain and development through testing little babies. Like, did you know that babies only 4 months old can distinguish the slight sound variations in a particular foreign language, even ones that are not spoken in their household? As they get older, they lose this ability, because the brain begins to sift out the information that it doesn't need. There is also an age (around 18 months) when children begin to distinguish the difference between themselves and others. They recognize that others may have different desires from their own. And this is also when they begin to learn how to deal with differences between themselves and others. As I was listening to this I realized, I think that I must have missed this developmental stage completely. Why is it that I have such a hard time understanding how people could act so cruelly toward others? I especially have a hard time when I have to deal directly with people who show no respect or regard for others. Instead of thinking that they may just be another individual with different opinions (who can maybe be reasoned with), I just want to abandon contact with them completely. I wouldn't call myself conceited, but I guess I do also have a hard time understanding why people wouldn't just agree with me and be like me. Like why doesn't everyone have a Costco membership? And why doesn't everyone love NY? And why doesn't everyone believe there is a God? And why doesn't everyone recycle? But seriously, this is probably the root of all my relationship issues. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on myself. After all, don't we all have a bit of self-righteousness in us? I wonder though, why did I just completely skip that whole stage as a baby when you learn how to understand and resolve differences?

I hate heat. I don't care how much people complain about cold, snowy weather. Heat sucks. At least in the cold you can throw on more layers. In the heat, even if you go commando, you're still cooked meat. The one redeeming quality about summer: sandals and not having to wash and sort dozens of the girls' little socks. Try sorting and accounting for socks of 4 different sizes. If I have any more children, I've decided that we will all have to suck it up and wear sandals through the winter. And everyone in the family will have to agree with me on this one.

ME MEME MEME

2006-07-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'm so delinquent in my writing these days. With birthday parties (our own and others') to plan and attend and the mommy bus hitting the road ever hour, there is little time for me to reflect on my life these days. As a parent, it feels like almost all my free time is spent thinking about/worrying about/planning my children's activities/schooling/future. That's why I'm thankful for my good friend CHA today, because without her I would have nothing of interest to share with you. Here's just want I needed, a new meme to start off the week.

What is your favorite word? Verdant (I also love saying the country names Cote d'Ivoire and Azerbaijan)

What is your least favorite word? Good. I use it way too often to describe my feelings, my day, my experiences. It's the first thing that jumps out of my mouth before I even give myself a chance to think. It's like an involuntary response and it's not good.

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally? Delving into the Bible. Creatively, I would have to say good music. Emotionally, writing draws out thoughts and feelings I never knew existed.

What turns you off? Conflict. It's literally turns me off, as in total brain shutdown. I attribute this to my birthorder (being first born and raised as an only child during the majority of my childhood, until my brother came along 7 years later) and genetics (I come from a long line of conflict avoiders).

What is your favorite curse word? A$$ It's impossible for me to say without getting my whole face into it. Mine has a sort of slow Southern drawl when it comes out. Previously, I used to use "Bitch" a little too frequently. But it was always meant with the deepest respect and was only used on those I loved.

What sound or noise do you love? My children's singing. String instruments, particularly violin and cello. A simple trio will even move me to tears.

What sound or noise do you hate? Nagging. If you want something from me, just ask me nicely. Also, the sound of kids screaming. You would think I'm used to it by now, but it's still the thing that drives me insane.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Pastry chef

What profession would you not like to do? 1) Housekeeper/maid/janitor, 2) Telemarketer, 3) Pedicurist, 4) Proctologist, 5)Mortician, 6) Reptile handler, 7) Exterminator. Other than that, I wouldn't mind just about any other job.

If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Well done, my good and faithful servant.

On being Asian American and being an APA mom

2006-07-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting meme for Asian American parents.

I am:100% Korean-American - 100% Pusanian in fact. The little Korean that I speak is even tinged with a country accent. People can usually tell right away that I'm Korean, unless they're not attuned to the subtle differences between Asians.
My kids are:100% Korean-American. I'm not like one of those KA's that think their one duty is to keep their bloodline pure, but yes, I guess I did fulfill my Korean responsibility to marry Korean and produce Korean children.
I first realized I was APA when: the kids at preschool made fun of my small eyes and teased me with racially inappropriate and demeaning names. Mean girls start young. Also, I grew up in Texas. Let's just say that people there are not the most accommodating and tolerant.
People think my name is: unique. Even though anyone who can read at a second grade level should be able to pronounce it, people look at my name and just give up. I wanted to say to every teacher, each year on the first day of school, "It's pronounced the way it's spelled, moron." Now that I have a 2-syllable last name which has almost all the same letters in it as my first name, it sounds really confusing. It's like the Asian version of Sirhan Sirhan. I used to wish my whole life that I had a normal "American" name, but now my name is me and I would never dream of changing it.
The family tradition I most want to pass on is: roadtripping, particularly on trips that involve nature and camping. As much as I love big cities, I need to be within a reasonable driving distance to non-manmade nature. My dad has always been an avid roadtripper. The only change I've made to the tradition is to have accommodations and reservations made in advance before hitting the road and not try to cram in so many sites in one excursion. We really didn't have a lot of family traditions growing up because all of our extended relatives live in Korea, but what we did have growing up was a strong sense that we needed to stick together.
The family tradition I least want to pass on is: that darn hot-blooded Korean temper. And pushing my children to become piano prodigies by age 5.
My child's first word in English was: ??? I think it was mom. For some reason she has never called me "umma" (mom for Korean), but only calls dad "appa."
My child's first non-English word was: Appa. But it was not used in reference to dad. Joe went away for a week when Abby was 6 months and she kept calling for "appa." We were so amazed that she recognized that her appa was gone and was calling for him, until dad came back home a week later and she stared at him like a common stranger off the street.
The non-English word/phrase most used in my home is: meh-meh hakah? So sad. I can't believe the most common Korean phrase used is one that has to do with punishment. Actually, the kids use it more than I do on each other as a way to threaten each other when there's a dispute.
One thing I love about being an APA parent is: that we get the best of both worlds. We get to take the good from our Korean and our American cultures and hand them to our children in the form of traditions and values. Also, since there is no protocol for Korean American traditions, we get to pick and choose and make it up as we go along.
One thing I hate about being an APA parent is: that I'm still confused sometimes about what is best, the Korean way or the American way. The Korean way stresses the importance of depending on your family and placing family first, while the American way focuses on the individual and gaining more and more independence. I want both for my children, but making sense of two opposing cultures can sometimes be stressful. On top of that we also have the added pressure to preserve our culture and language and pass it onto our children.
The best thing about being part of an APA family is: The strong sense of family. It can sometimes be like an idol and can come with a lot of expectations, but there are a lot of rewards - for instance, undying loyalty and faithfulness. I went to Korea by myself after almost 20 years (I was an infant the last time I was there), yet my family was still family and loved and took care of me as if I had known them forever.
The worst thing about being part of an APA family is: The expectations that the older generation can sometimes have upon us. But somehow I think this may be a universal truth. The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is doomed to fail in Korean culture. The MIL, the matriarch of the family, tends to have unrealistic expectations of her son and DIL. While the DIL is expected to submit to her MIL's authority. It's often hard to make sense of our two very disparate points of view.
To me, being Asian Pacific American means: that my actions, speech and thoughts are influenced by 2 extremely different cultures. Ultimately my nationality lies in heaven but my life is so rich with opportunities and experiences because of my dual "citizenship." I want my children to know, appreciate and be proud of their Korean culture even though they will grow up being surrounded by another culture. I also want them to know that who they are is much deeper than their skin or hair color.

Good night and good luck

2006-07-08T01:24:00.000-07:00

Is it July already? How did summer come so fast? Are they already starting to pull out their fall merchandise at the stores? My husband just informed me the other day that the summer solstice already passed. Alas, the sun is setting earlier and earlier. And we haven't even broken out the grill yet.

All the news of looming terror threats started to get me a little anxious today. Plus it was the anniversary of the London Underground bombing. And didn't I just read something about a crazy man on the 1/9 subway attacking people with a chainsaw in Manhattan? Go away evildoers.

For the 4th we went out to dinner in K-town and had nengmyun and the most amazing paht-bingsu (it had shaved ice, paht, fruit cocktail, strawberry ice cream, fresh strawberries, fresh kiwi and tiny little marshmallow shaped dduk) with some friends, which was not very patriotic, but hey, it was freakin' hot. Plus, I asked around last week to see if other families were interested in seeing some fireworks together and I was turned down repeatedly. It must be just me, but if I know there's going to be a fireworks show, I'm there. Who can turn down fireworks? In the end we did get to see a fireworks show, because I made my husband pull over on some random street on the way home from dinner just to catch a glimpse.

That reminds me - I bought some fireworks a few weeks ago from the local Target. I figured if Target is selling them, then they must be legal, right? Well, I waited and waited and didn't hear anyone else setting anything off, so I got too chicken and didn't do it. I should just look up the local laws and figure out what they say, but who wants to set off fireworks after the 4th of July? Plus, someone will probably call the cops thinking it's a shooting or something. Really, is it just me who has a fascination with fireworks?

This week I started getting back in the dirt and working on the garden. By the way, what does is mean when you dream about your garden everyday? The 100 degree weather didn't even dissuade me. When I have things to work out, I like to work them out with a shovel and some dirt. I had a bunch of plants that I purchased earlier in the season that were still sitting in their pots, waiting to take root in the ground, but mainly what I did was replant some of the shrubs I planted last year with my dad. The afternoon sun is scorching my azaleas and gardenias. Plus, lantana should never be planted in a shady spot. What were the previous owners thinking? I need to get on another HGTV show so I can get my yard made over. Do you think America would recognize us again or get sick of us if we appeared on another show. I don't want to be another Ben Stiller or Vince Vaughn and get too overexposed.

We had some friends in town over the weekend and while they were here, they helped us set up our new fish tank. I went with our friend one day to the pet store and was advised by him to just buy the accessories at first and set up the tank, so I can let the tank circulate and get ready for the fish. I went back a few days later, and this time the guy at the store prevented me from buying fish, because he said I have to let the tank's level balance out for at least a week before I add fish (something about the pH, nitrogen, ammonia something or other). Then he gave me a pamphlet to read and highlighted important instructions, so I can be prepared and educated enough to buy a fish the next time I come back. These are $2 fish. Give me a break. Will someone please just sell me a fish? I should just get a dog. It would be easier. So, in the meantime, our lonely 25-cent goldfish is swimming around in a very spacious 5-gallon tank with lovely stone boulders and foliage. I can tell he's loving it. He just went from a studio apartment to a 5,000 sq. ft. mansion with a view.

My girls are getting so demanding lately. The other day I was lifting Abby up and she said to me, "Mommy, you're not holding me properly." Excuuuse me. Sarah's even worse. She knows that I often don't hear her the first time and has now resorted to getting my attention by yelling, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I'm talking to you!" My girls are becoming so Diva. I can hardly handle it any longer.

I started backsliding this past week and having thoughts about having a third child. Mainly because I see Abby really starting to mature into a helpful older sister and Sarah is getting a bit more independent. But what if I give birth to another Diva? I've way surpassed my Diva tolerance limit. And global warming is really starting to concern me. It's settled. No more babies.

It's late and my stories are not very coherent or connected. I apologize. 'night.

Project #36

2006-06-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Our home is currently being repainted. I hate picking paint colors. When we decided to paint the rooms in our last place from boring white to X colors, I agonized over the paint colors for about 6 months. In the end, we decided on 7 different colors and we finally got it painted weeks before Sarah popped out, which was good, because I was not fond of the idea of having our newborn get high on paint fumes. Because it took us so long to choose colors we both liked and that evoked the specific mood we wanted to express in each room, we naturally leaned toward the same colors again when we moved into our new, old home, which was also a blank slate with walls covered in dingy white.

So, now that we are getting the exterior painted, we thought long and hard about changing the look of our home. Would it be the cool house that makes people stop and look? Would it be the house that makes cars stop and repulses passerbyers (hopefully not)? Would it be the one that looks classic and tasteful? The house was previously painted in various shades of gray (remember we have a 50s home) and although gray would not normally sound like an attractive color, we gravitated toward gray again. You know, it's funny, but you see families that have a certain theme color - they own cars in that color and even dress in the color. We are becoming the gray family. Not only is our home being painted in 2 different shades of gray, we also own 2 cars in different hues of gray/silver. But I love our gray home. Even though the colors are relatively the same as before, the house looks like it got a facelift.

I love that we live in a 50s home. Before we moved in, only one other family lived in our place. It's heartwarming for me to imagine the kids who grew up here and played here. I'm told the owner's son used to play war with his plastic military soldiers on our massive lava rock wall. It sounds cheesy and corny, but I can physically see and feel all the love and care that went into our home. Many of the new housing developments I visit lack that character, not just because it's new and unlived in, but because there was no heart put into designing the house. I hear that older homes are built to last as well. For one thing, the lumber that was used back then was harder and taken from more mature trees. Our home has withstood earthquakes and every stage of a family's life. It's amazing that we wound up in this home, because we originally had lost it to a higher bidder. But more than a month after we thought we had lost it, we received a call that the other people backed out. What was their loss became our gain. There is an amazing amount of emotional energy that goes into a home. It's not only where we hang our hat at night, it's where we feel safe enough to rest our heads and find refuge from the heat, the rain and the cold, and where we build the majority of our memories. When we demolished our old wet bar in the family room for the show reDesign, we found an old dateplanner from April 1956 behind the boards of the old cabinet. It was like an episode of "If Walls Could Talk." I would love to sit and hear all the stories our walls would tell if only they could - about tough times after war and prosperity in the horizon, birth after birth, bad days at school, learning to ride bikes, favorite hiding places, feuds and make-ups, anniversaries and birthdays, and letting go of little hands so they can grow up.

Childhood ambition: To grow old and gray
Fondest memory: Being loved by my owners everyday
Sountrack: Crowded House
Retreat: Anywhere away from the valley heat and in the shade
Wildest dream: Be on the show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
Proudest moment: Closing escrow
Biggest challenge: Recovering after the earthquake of '94
Alarm clock: The sprinklers
Perfect day: A barbeque on the patio on a cool summer evening
First job: Samuels' residence
Indulgence: A fresh coat of creamy, new paint
Last purchase: A fresh coat of creamy, new paint
Favorite movie: Home Alone
Inspiration: The 50s
My life: Is my family
My card: Is American Express

You take the good, you take the bad...

2006-06-19T03:23:00.000-07:00

I'm back from THE City. She was good. She didn't change too much and she still had so much to share. Our trip was packed to the brim. Did you expect any less? I think I am BEGINNING to realize that this may not always be the best. Seven days of travel is a bit of a stretch for two toddlers, especially in the city that never sleeps. I don't know how to even begin describing the amazingly satisfying trip we lived through. In many ways this trip mirrored life - there's the good, the bad and ... the miscellaneous. So, I thought the best and most efficient way of describing our journey would be to divide it into 3 categories.

Highlights from our trip:

Children's Museum of Manhattan - a whole floor devoted to Dora and a water play yard
Missing my 10 yr reunion, but getting the skinny from Suzi
POP at the Bronx Zoo - hitting all 7 major rides/exhibits at the zoo and getting our money's worth
Picnicking at Bear Mountain, which I kept calling Big Bear because I'm from SoCal, and sharing unwanted carbs with the geese.
Good food - Good enough to eat brunch, NY deli, Gameok (best gakktugui kimchi in the world), Vietnamese, endless Italian, and of course Cha's meatloaf
Not wanting to grow up at the world's largest Toys R Us, riding a ferris wheel INSIDE the store, and a Barbie mansion almost as big as our home
Exploring Central Park - John Olmstead you are a genius
Getting my Costco fix
Being Cha's sous chef and catching up with New Hopers
Adult conversation after the kids were down
Natural History Museum - what is real and what is fake?
Horse-drawn carriage around Central Park and taking in the skyline, which poked above all the trees
24-hour Mac store and the kids being brainwashed by Cathy Imo
Getting ready to go out at night at 11, just the ladies (like the good old days)
The 1/9 train uptown
Broadway shake, new and improved fries, and kauwfee tawk among girls
Enjoying Cuban food overlooking the dock at South Street Seaport
Riding the Staten Island Ferry for free. "Hey, we're in Staten Island... Ok... Hmmm... Well... Time to get back on the ferry."
Seeing Lady Liberty

Lowlights:

Watching half of King Kong and never getting to the part with the gorilla
Being outnumbered and overpowered by a swarm of toddlers, and tranquilizing them with Dora
Jenny and Jimmy's encounter with a raccoon on the Sawmill, losing a bumper and an unfortunate visit to the ER
Crazy, cacophonic, impromptu "jazz" at the park
Learning that I can no longer buy tokens for the subway (and getting puzzled stares from the MTA attendant)
Crosstown traffic and ridiculous parking fees
Missing the Zephyr
Suffering the wrath of missed naptimes
Taking it all off and taking everything apart at the security check with 2 toddlers in tow

Randomness:

Being regular again after a shopping trip to Target (now I know of 3 things that can make me go: bookstores, the internet and Target)
Meeting colonials who think they're still living in the 18th century and talk about slavery a bit too much
Fighting off mutant sheep with ram's horns and dog's tails, sawing lumber, cleaning lavender, milking angry cows and thrashing wheat
Learning the difference between a heifer, a cow, an ox and a bull; and witnessing an adult try to explain the concept of neutering an animal to a group of kids
Paying money so we can be suckered into doing work, again and again; do they have child labor laws in NY?
Getting hit on by Billy Joel
How many NYC public workers does it take to change a lightbulb in the train station? Seven. Two to climb up the ladders, one to clip his fingernails, and four to blow their whistles when the train comes.
Learning from Queen Latifa and LL Cool J that you have to live your life to the fullest and not waste anything.
Gaining sage wisdom and discovering that we are all cut from different cookie cutters.

Priceless.

What is the purpose?

2006-06-10T02:39:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a book that another mom recommended to me. I'd rather not mention the title of the book, because I'm not sure how credible the book is yet and I'm embarrassed to tell people that I'm reading a book that might possibly be bogus or completely lame. You know you do it - when you see people hanging out on the street or at the doctor's office or airport and you check to see what book they're reading, you think to yourself... "Ah, they're one of those." We grow up being taught not the judge a book by its cover, but does anyone ever remind us not to judge a person by their book? I digress.

Anyhow, in said book it goes on to mention how children at the toddler stage are very curious and how everything they do has a certain purpose. Even ripping open the packaging around a toy and taking apart mom and dad's gadgets teaches them how things are put together. Does this make me a bad parent for stifling their curiosity and their young blossoming minds, because I won't let them destroy my home? Give me a break. I still haven't figured out what kind of lessons they are learning from tantrums (the kind with flailing and kicking body parts), screaming like banshees and annoying the heck out of their sibling over and over. Perhaps they will say that they need to express their emotions fully so they can learn how far they can drive their mother to the brink of insanity and the edge of reason. Ugh. Tough week.

Ok readers, I'm off to New York for a brief vacation. I'm done packing, but I still have a million things to do. This was my day: wake up to my alarm (kids yelling "I'm hungry!"), feed the kids and the fish, sort and wash 4 loads of laundry, finish packing, weigh suitcases to make sure they are under 50 pounds, repack suitcases, make lunch, break up fights (repeat every 10 minutes), bathe sweaty kids, put kids down for naps, bake cake for mother-in-law's birthday, make frosting, messily slop on chocolate frosting while fighting off chocoholic kids, take a shower, wrap presents, create 3 handmade cards, rush to meet in-laws for dinner, fight traffic on the I-5 and arrive only 5 minutes late, drop by Costco, hang out for dessert at in-laws', put kids to bed, clean house, fold laundry, wash dishes, blog, send emails, go to bed??? A mother's job is never done. And the saga continues tomorrow: not get any sleep tonight, run errands in the morning, go to a birthday party, pick up husband and bags from home and head quickly to the airport in order to catch the 5 hour flight to NY. Please God, please let there be no traffic all day in LA. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to maneuver the city with my girls and a double stroller. Can it be done? Stayed tuned to find out.

Party Girl

2006-06-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, I seem to have a reputation for being somewhat of a party girl at our church. I hope not in a bad way. Am I the only one on this earth that thinks that it's not ridiculous to drive almost 2 hours each way for a second visit to Legoland, only 6 days after our first trip? The second time was free. We just had to fill up $50 worth in gas in the Odyssey.

School's out for summer and I'm ready to hit the beach, the city and whatever else this and any other town has to dish up. Bring it. In fact, the favorite pastime in our home lately is checking travel websites. Our latest vacation featured an incredible $99 rate at the Omni in San Diego. Whenever we see a good deal, Joe and I look at each other and think, "Hmmm, how can we take a vacation so we can seize another great deal?" I guess I like to think of myself as an opportunist rather than a "party girl." A party girl is a mere hangout slut who is willing to go anywhere and do whatever it takes to have a good time. For me, having a good time involves careful planning and optimal timing. Just call me the party geek.

The only drawback to my method of having fun is that I tend to pack it in, and those who happen to be on board my crazy ride through Wonderland often get dragged behind as innocent victims with no one to hear their cries. I am changing though. For one thing, my children force me to slow down. Darn naps. As a result, I have discovered that hotels can be a vacation in and of themselves.

Our next trip will be New York. I am so excited. When I think about seeing old friends, and what I want to do and see while I'm there, I get so anxious and then the party geek in me starts to come out. What do you think, Cha? Should I bring the karaoke mic with me or not? NY and I are like old college buddies. We have a lot of memories together and my life is forever changed by knowing her. Now I want my girls to get to know her and love her the way I do. For me, places are like people. Each place expresses its own persona and its own distinct style. Even the people who live there speak to their places in a different way (like in New Yo-hk) and respond disparately to they sights, smells, sounds and feel of their place. Just look at the differences in the way people drive in CA, NY and TX. Even the slow Southern drawl or the rough NY accent personifies the people. Is it that certain places attract particular types of people or that those places produce people with certain characteristics? Maybe both are true. I grew up in Texas where the Southern hospitality rubbed off on me, but I always itched to get out and was attracted to the prospect of going to NY for college. And now? I'm kicking back on the west coast with my permed hair blowing in the sea breeze. And I'm trilingual. I speak valley girl, manhattan, and hick.

A day to remember

2006-05-30T23:19:00.000-07:00

Memorial Day
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

What better way is there to honor all the lives that were lost while fighting valiantly for our country than to go visit all the great historical monuments, only miniaturized and made of millions of Legos? I love Legos. Too bad they didn't have Legoland when I was growing up.

Well, after a satisfying vacation in sunny San Diego with some close families, we are back at home. The only thing better than hanging out until the wee hours of the night with good friends, beer and dried squid, is seeing your children have the time of their lives and build lasting friendships themselves. It was bittersweet as we rolled out of the driveway of the hotel. Even Abby complained that our 3 days away from home was ending way too soon. When asked how much longer she thought we should stay, she answered, "10 more minutes." It's funny how children's sense of time is all out of whack. She's always telling me stories about things that happened a long time ago, except in her mind, they happened "yesterday."

I know someday I will look back with fondness on this time that we spent with friends. And although this stage of childhood is one of the toughest on us as parents, it's one of the most blissful for our children, because they have very few cares or concerns in the world. In fact, at this stage, it doesn't take more than a cardboard box to keep a child happy. I think that's what I will cherish most about my children's childhood. There's nothing sweeter than the simple pleasures that are sought and enjoyed by a child (including a land made of Legos).

Family Ties

2006-05-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

I think this may be the longest I've gone without writing. I had a jam packed week with my brother in town and a dreaded final to study for. It was fun and stressful all at once. We did everything from refinishing kitchen cabinets to the Getty to enjoying a day at the beach. Life is so difficult without family. God definitely put families on this earth to provide the tangible presence and support that He knows we need.

It's always good when I get to see my family, since it only happens once in a long while. Every time I see my brother, I see him less and less as my little brother, and more and more like a friend and co-conspirator. I used to doubt that my brother and I were really born from our parents, because in a lot of ways, we are so different from them (physically and mentally). The one assurance that I had that we were of the same blood was that my brother and I bear a resemblance to each other. It's amazing but he's finally come to the point in his life where he's thinking about and planning his own family. When I first heard from my mom that he is considering getting married in the next year, I was a bit concerned. Does he really know what he's doing at 24 years of age? Nevermind that I was that age when I got married. But that's different.

You don't think about it at the time, but there will be a day when you look back at your life and the years you lived without your spouse will be just a speck compared to all the time and experiences that you've shared with him/her. It's hard to imagine. Already at my ripe old age of 31, when I look back upon my youth, I realize there are only a limited number of people and memories I have that even approach in importance those that I've built together with my husband. So, choosing a spouse and lifelong partner is no small decision. Thank God I was too young to know better. If I knew what I know now, I think I would have stressed myself out over the whole prospect of marrying someone FOREVER. Years later when we discussed the possibility of having a baby, I was almost too freaked out about being someone's mom forever to have children.

So, my baby brother is thinking about getting married. His mind is set. He's in love. And I see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. It reminds me of me, eight years ago. Although, I hear more reason and less emotion in his voice than me, but hey, I'm a woman. I think if I were to share a bit of what I've learned from my 7 years of marriage with anyone who is considering marriage, it would be that marriage is not about you, or your desires to be with someone and be fulfilled. Instead, it's about the other person standing in front of you at the altar, and how you can serve and love them as Christ did for His church. I struggle all the time to remember and live this.

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

Yes, I guess that goes for me, too. This Mother's Day for me felt more special and more "mother-y." On Friday, Abby's preschool had a tea party for the mothers. It was especially sweet because Abby presented me with a handmade card and mug that she decorated herself. She was so proud of her creations. But what struck me the most was what she said about me when she stood with her class in front of all the moms. Her teacher asked each one of the kids in her class to say something about why they love their moms. The number one answer given was "Because my mommy helps me put my shoes on." Abby's answer though was unique and it touched my heart. She said, "Because my mommy plays games with me." On one hand, you might wonder why these preschoolers are all so self-centered. Maybe Abby was the only one not saying that I help her with her shoes, because I rarely help her put her shoes on. But really, what she said made me feel special, because she was saying to me that she appreciates the time I spend with her. Maybe the decision I made to be at home wasn't so wrong after all.

I've always wondered if I would be a good mother. I've always loved playing with kids and cuddling with little babies (especially the fat Buddha babies with sausage legs and no neck), but that doesn't mean I would be a good mom. There's a lot more to mothering than hugs and kisses. There are certain qualities I lack that are keys to being a good mother:

Nagging: I have this innate distaste for nagging and therefore am unable to nag others. Children need to be nagged. They need that constant voice teaching them wrong from right. Because I lack the gift of nagging, my children will either have to learn from their own mistakes or get it from their dad.
Baby talk: Mothers have a sweet gentle nature and can often soothe their own children with their voice. When Abby was first born I had a hard time communicating with her, because I didn't know how to talk to a being who couldn't respond or understand what I was saying. Talking to a newborn is much like talking to yourself, but in a retarded cartoon voice. On top of that, I felt all kinds of stress because all the doctors and books were saying how important it is to talk to your baby. Fortunately, my kids are huge talkers despite my inability to communicate with them when they were first born.
The third eye (and ear): Most mothers develop a third eye and a third ear that is tuned specifically to locate their own child's whereabouts and detect his/her distinct cry. Unfortunately for my children, I have only two of each, and they can only focus on one subject at a time and are unable to operate independently of one another. Sometimes playdates with other kids and moms make me nervous, because when I'm talking to another parent, I'm not really sure where my kids are or what they're doing. I've gotten better at switching back and forth between conversations and checking on the kids, but I often have choppy dialogues as a result. For those of you who have had a playdate with me and the kids, you know what I'm talking about.
Mothers are good and patient teachers: When it comes to difficult people, I often throw in the towel. In those situations I think to myself, "My life is too short to be fighting with people who are unwilling to work with me or are not on my side." The exception, of course is my own children. But even then, there are countless times when I want to quit and run the opposite direction. When I go to teach Abby something new and she gets frustrated with me, I feel like saying, "Fine, stay in diapers your whole life and don't learn to swim or read or write."

In my defense, here are the skills I do possess that are useful to my job as a mother:

I am able to wipe up any diaper disaster, no matter how colossal, with 2 wet wipes or less.
I can carry more kids, bags, keys, toys, drinks and snacks on my person at once than a mule.
I can coordinate 2 outfits for my 2 girls, from hairpins to shoes to coordinating cardigans, in under 5 minutes. Given an extra minute, I can coordinate one girls' ensemble with the other's.
My freezer and pantry are so stocked that I can prepare a meal for my kids in less time than Rachel Ray, without having gone to the market in 2 weeks.
I can take out just about any stain, excluding permanent marker.

So, I admit, the second list of skills is not quite as important. But they are impressive, aren't they? My kids, for better or for worse, are stuck with having a different kind of mom. The amazing thing is that being a mom is teaching me more than I could probably ever teach my own kids. I just pray everyday that God will help me develop the skills to be a better mom for them, conventional or unconventional.

Culinary Adventures

2006-05-13T08:18:00.000-07:00

YUM
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

I decided that I don't have enough food photos on my blog site. Since I have been too busy to write, I will leave you with something to tempt your tastebuds. What you are looking at is a picture of thinly sliced tuna tartar in ponzu sauce (I think) with a tomato relish/salsa (much like ceviche), topped with a tower of paper thin sliced avocado and daikon sprouts. If you can't make it yourself, then you have to go to Katsu-ya and order it.

In remembrance

2006-05-07T01:39:00.000-07:00

We just got back from dinner and a movie with only adults, which is rare for us. We saw United 93, which I wasn't sure I was prepared to see, but thought that I was going to have to see at some point. It was draining and intense. At the end of the movie we, along with the packed theater, were left sitting silent and stunned. Even from the very beginning of the movie I was in tears thinking about the imminent doom those innocent people would be stepping into. They were students, businessmen, retirees... just people with plans and a life to lead, like me.

We definitely haven't forgotten and the events that occurred less than 5 years ago that fateful morning still sadden us to tears. Sometimes it feels so easy to move on and forget our pain. After all, we endure the pain of labor once and are resilient enough to endure another child birth. And sometimes I'm reminded like I was today that the pain is still there. It's just worn with time and deeply embedded beneath years of war in a land that we will never truly understand. We will never really know what happened that morning in those planes, but I think United 93 helped me just a little to move on and to mourn and remember those whose lives were cut short. Like I've said before, we as humans are capable of so much love and at the same time so much destruction.

I hear Oliver Stone is working on another 9/11 film, which I'm sure will be followed by others. I'm not sure how much more I will be able to watch. Will Hollywood do justice to the thousands of lives lost that day or will it just desensitize and numb the public? I'm glad that at least this first movie didn't over dramatize the events or have much of an agenda. I felt like a helpless voyeur watching a tragic, inevitable murder.

Seven is a lucky number

2006-05-01T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today is our seventh wedding anniversary. It's hard to believe that seven years have already passed and that I've spend almost a quarter of my life married! A lot has happened and a lot has changed over these years. Honestly, I was a bit scared as this year approached, because isn't this when psychologists say that marriages typically meet a fork in the road and when they sometimes start to unravel?

When you are young, you have such an idealized view of the world. For girls, we dream about our wedding day and about having the perfect home with our perfect husbands. I'm not trying to say that it's not like that, but what I imagined in my youth was so one-dimensional and so naive. I never realized how much work a marriage would take. It takes constant maintenance and a constant commitment to grow together. Otherwise, even the tightest couple will start to drift in separate directions. And once you drift farther and farther apart, it becomes harder to find each other again. This is what I've learned in my seven years of marriage, thanks mainly to my husband who is the glue that holds our family together.

Seven years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. When I was a little girl turning seven, I was learning how to ride a two-wheeler, getting my ears pierced, and still discovering the world, which mainly consisted of the little cul-de-sac we lived on. In a way, I'm like that childish girl who still has a lot of learning and growing to do. I don't know what it is about seven years, but it definitely feels different and our understanding for each other and our relationship has deepened immensely. I'm just beginning to see a glimpse of what is in store for us in the future and I'm thankful everyday for our marriage and all the many things that have grown and flourished from it. Happy Anniversary, Joe.

All by myself

2006-04-29T00:44:00.000-07:00

My husband has left me, but just for the night. The men at our church are at a retreat and are probably playing poker right now. You guys better not be staying up until 4 AM just to play poker. I can understand if it was over a game of Settlers or something. When we are apart from our spouses we become so undisciplined. Case in point - I am sitting here surfing the internet and blogging at about 1 AM and just got off the phone with a girlfriend not too long ago. What is it with men/boys? Their idea of hanging out and bonding entails 2 things: playing games and/or watching sports with other guys. Are you men afraid of a little intimacy?

*****

On another subject, I've been thinking a lot about the difference between having and not having - whether it is education, money, power, connections, or skills. Is it just me or does it seem that the difference between the "haves" and the "have nots" is getting greater and more distinct than ever before? As this happens, those with more money, influence and power tend to hoard more for themselves, leaving the "have nots" with less and less. We all want to be in the group that "has" because it's better to have choices in life than be forced to live with little or no choices. When we sit in a position of privilege, it becomes our responsibility to humanity to share our resources and our talent. But what really happens is that people take that power and use it to oppress and push others down further and further. It's happening in Sudan, it happened in Rwanda, it's happening in Iraq, it's going on in N. Korea, and it happens everywhere around the globe, including here in the U.S. between the rich and the poor. I really fear for this world every time I think about all the pain. What kind of world will our children have to face when they are my age? How do we begin to teach society to care for others? We are truly sinful creatures. This is why we constantly have to remind our children that they need to share and to think about others. It's not innate. God did put in us a desire to fellowship with others, but our sinful nature pushes us to want to be ahead in line and holds us back from truly loving our neighbors.

This is all heavy stuff that has been burdening my heart lately. Not cheery thoughts to rest your head upon. I need Joe back so I can unload some mental weight and sleep. God I pray that you please ease the suffering of the oppressed.

How well do you know me?

2006-04-28T21:03:00.000-07:00

I started this list days ago and forgot to post it. Thanks Banana for the meme.

Jobs I've had in my life: (in no particular order)
Window person at Sonic (I don't know what the official title is)
Private tutor
Telemarketer
Sales associate at Venture
Office assistant for the Provost
Resident Advisor of a college dorm
Office assistant at a Law School financial aid dept
Waitress at a Korean restaurant
Intern for a NY Assemblyman
Ice cream scooper for Haagen Daz (again, I don't know the official title)
Lab tech at a genetics lab
Public Health Intern for a large County Public Health Dept.
Independent Public Health Consultant
Program Associate at a health foundation
Mom

Four movies I would watch over and over:

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Napoleon Dynamite
Pride & Prejudice (BBC version)
When Harry Met Sally

Four places I have lived:

S. Korea
TX
PA
NY

Four TV shows I love to watch:

Lost
Good Eats
reDesign
Goong (Korean drama)

Four places I have been on vacation:

Maui
Moscow and Minsk
Yosemite
Disneyworld

Four of my favorite foods:

Korean: kimchi jigae, kalbi
Southern: chicken fried steak, fried chicken, TX bbq
Japanese: FRESH, buttery sushi
Thai: red and green curry, anything with that yummy garlic basil chili sauce, Pad Thai, Lad Na, Pad See-Ew

Four places I would rather be right now:

in a pool
at a beach off some tropical coast
hiking to the top of the Catskills or some beautiful overlook at Yosemite
gazing at my little ones as they are sleeping (I think I'll do that right now)

Four friends that I think will respond:

Helen
Margaret (maybe via email)
Jennie
Hopefully, you too.

Four things I always carry with me:

A backpack - I've tried every type of diaper bag on the market, but backpacks are the most comfortable. Mine is always stocked with diapers, wipes, wallet, keys and phone
Snacks and drinks to combat a potential meltdown (for both me and the kids)
My camera - I know I look like the stereotypical Japanese tourist always taking snapshots wherever I go, but I can't stand the thought of not capturing a cute moment from my day with the kids, or interesting architecture, or beautiful landscaping, or just anything that inspires me.
Sarah (who is almost always on my hip)

Talks

2006-04-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

Lately, Joe and I have been talking a lot. About people, about our kids, about life. It's good to have someone to share thoughts with, especially during the wee hours of the night when your head is still bulging with randomness that only a true friend would understand or find interesting. Also, is it just me, or is it unsettling to keep all those thoughts trapped in your brain when you sleep? I think this is why I used to have very vivid, crazy dreams before I got married. I digress.

Lately it seems that when we have a debate/argument, it is usually followed by other discussions over the next several days (like aftershocks). I know it frustrates my husband because he would rather have it out in one sitting. Part of the reason why this happens is because I can only tolerate so much frustration in a small amount of time. If we are arguing about a topic (let's call it Exhibit A - yes we came up with a labeling system for our arguments), then I just want to focus on the topic at hand and at most maybe the major underlying argument, too.

So, we discovered a pattern in the way we communicate and reason, and determined that we often argue about completely different issues and don't realize that the other person is not following our arguments. This leads to utter and complete frustration. First, because we are not getting the response we want from the other person, and second, because it seems like the other person is either not paying attention or just being pig-headed.

Last week, after one of our aftershocks, Joe, out of frustration pulled out a piece of paper and did a brilliant thing. He proceeded to diagram our argument. I was laughing at the time, because it looked much like a play out of a play book, with lines and arrows going in different directions. It began with a simple exhibit "A" as I mentioned above, and there was also "A*," "A sub 1," and "B." I realize this is not normal, but you couples out there should try this. Hey, you gots ta do what works for you, I always say. It's amazing the amount of clarity that comes from visually seeing how your arguments intertwine or even how they never meet. Can you patent psychological theories/therapy because this is going to be a big one.

Your wish is my command

2006-04-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

I know I am not God, but there are days that I wish that everyone would be a bit more agreeable and really.... just obey my every command. Why does everyone have so many opinions around me - my peers/colleagues (when I was working), my husband and even my own girls? I am not a very hard person to get along with, am I? I don't have a lot of complaints or make a lot of requests. I generally keep to myself. So, why can't people just give me what I want? Okay, I realize this doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

My husband and I had a debate last night about whether or not to buy a particular piece of art for our living room, which I like very much but he is neutral to, at best. I realize in the grand scheme of things that this is very trivial argument, although you wouldn't think so with the amount of discussion that was delved into about this one painting. It just happened that this was one of those things I felt emotional about and he was very ambivalent about. Is it just me, or is this one of the most frustrating things about marriage? It's just so much easier to make decisions on your own, especially in cases when the other person is going to disagree and happens to be a bit overly analytical at times. Sometimes I remember with fondness the days when I didn't have to think about checking with a spouse to make a purchase or major decision, or when my choices were not hindered by the presence of little ones. Sometimes I feel like my life is not mine. And that's when I realize God is teaching me that I'm not supposed to rely on myself and I am not in this world by myself. He gave me a partner, someone to help guide me through difficult times and decisions. And he gave me little children, to tug at my leg and remind me that this life is not about me. And he gave me His Son, to rest and find solstice in, not just when I feel weary or troubled. Thank you, Lord.

The ultimate Death

2006-04-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

This Good Friday, we had an amazing study (as always) on the gospel of Mark. The Bible is truly an amazing book. I really must read it more diligently. We read Mark 15, which I've read many times throughout my life, but this time I saw more than just the events that unfolded at Christ's death.

(vv. 14-15) Barrabas, the true insurrectionist and murderer, goes free and Jesus is condemned for insurrection. In this, Jesus takes Barrabas' place and is the propitiation for his sin (a foretelling of what is to come).
(v. 17) He was clothed in purple and wore a crown of thorns. He was mocked as the King of the Jews. He was lifted high upon a throne, the cross. All this when the One who stood before them was and is the ultimate and eternal King. Our study leader aptly named it "the ironic coronation."
(v. 29) Those passing by Him mocked Him saying, "Ha! You who are going to destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save Yourself and come down from the cross!" Those passer-byers did not see that the One before them was higher and greater than the temple. The temple is in fact Himself and He was to die and be resurrected in 3 days.
(v. 31) The chief priests mocked Him, saying, "He saved others; He cannot save Himself." In fact, He DOESN'T save Himself, in order to save others and give them eternal life.
(v. 39) The Gentile centurion, and not one of the Jews, was the only one standing before Him that saw and believed that He truly is the Son of God.

What irony. And what a profound and beautiful message.

So Uncool

2006-04-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

As I was reading my previous post about going to the mohgyoktahng (bath house) and thinking about this past weekend when we, along with some friends, enjoyed a bit of karaoke, I realized how I'm turning into my parents. I should have gotten the hint when I looked around the bath house and noticed the relative age of all the ladies there. And yes, I admit that it may not be the coolest thing in the world to own a karaoke machine with a library of over 3000 songs to choose from. In fact, as the adults were singing to our favorite tunes (all written before the birth of our children), our kids were pleading with us to stop singing or to get a chance themselves to sing something. I just had a flashback from my childhood of going to other Korean families' homes with my parents and dreading the incessant singing. For all that is decent and holy, please stop singing!

We are officially our parents and are officially not cool.

Cleanliness

2006-04-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing I can say with certainty about Koreans, it's that they are thorough. Today a good friend agreed to watch Sarah for me while I hit the Korean bath house (thanks, Doris). I've had this horrendous pain in my neck and shoulder and am even considering acupuncture to relieve it. Almost exactly a year ago I visited my first bath house with Cha. If you can get over being completely in the buff around other women; sitting in scalding hot, boiling hot tubs; being scrubbed down to the bone while watching chunks of dead skin being sloughed off; and being massaged and scrubbed in areas of your body that are sacred between husband and wife, then this experience is for you. For a third of the price of a Western spa I had THE WORKS. I signed up for a body scrub and massage, which was possibly the hardest scrub and massage of my life. As a bonus I also had my head massaged and shampooed (why is getting a shampoo so soothing?), a cucumber mask and facial, AND I just noticed while I was relaxing in front of the TV at home that the inside of my belly button is sparkling! Now THAT'S what I call clean. Detailed clean.

A Happy Ending

2006-04-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

The Reveal
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

Ta Dah! So what do you think? Is this not the most amazing room you've ever seen? It's not a picture from Architectural Digest or some top interior design journal, although it belongs in all of those. It's in our own home! After months and months of contractors and tapings, the reveal has come. The great thing is that it's not just a room for adults to love, but a room that our kids enjoy, too (especially the 4" deep shag rug). I think we will have to move some of the breakables above 4 feet though.

So, come on over and feast your eyes.

Family Room reDesign Part VIII

2006-04-05T01:47:00.000-07:00

KB at work
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

It's been a while since I've updated on the progress of our reDesign remodel. The room has been coming along, but we were waiting for some key elements to come together and now the end is near. It's AMAZING! It was a long, arduous process. We weren't sure at times if all of this was worth it, but now we are seeing it all come together and we LOVE LOVE LOVE it! In two days we will shoot our final dialogues with the camera and our room will be back in our hands. Check out my album by clicking on the photo and scrolling through the images. By the way, if there is anything that you think I absolutely must say on camera, speak now. I have but 1 more day to prepare myself.

Skills of survival

2006-04-01T01:59:00.000-08:00

We had some spirited discussions this evening at book club. Life of Pi was a hard book to get into, but had some deeper truth to it. It definitely helped to clarify our befuddled thoughts through discussion. One of the themes we touched on in the book has to do with survival. As humans we adapt and change to survive. We are capable of being so resourceful or so destructive if we are pushed to our limits.

Kind of related to survival, I thought about skills we acquire in life. Some people have more skills than others, from Napoleon Dynamite to Martha Stewart to Albert Einstein. We all have a certain level of skills. I tend to think that it's important to spread your skills out; to learn as much as you can about a lot of different things. I guess this makes me feel more secure in case of an emergency that may require some sort of obscure knowledge or ability. I like to be prepared. But in reality, in this day and age, how important is it to know how to build a fire, sew your own clothes, make kimchi, do repairs/maintenance around the house, or even do taxes? For most of these tasks there are cheaper or easier alternatives to doing it yourself. Plus, time is money, is it not?

The skills that were so prized decades ago are almost obsolete today. Is it better just focus on one or a few skills and excel at those? If I were deserted on a boat with a Bengal tiger, I would need all the skills of survival: navigation, fishing, taming a wild tiger, and many other basics. To survive today, you almost need to focus your skills in a few areas. This is what it takes to get a job and provide for your family; not all that hunter-gatherer Colonial Pilgrim stuff. (Kind of along the same vein, since men no longer have to hunt to survive, is there a reason why some men still feel a need to be so bionically buff, to the point of taking steroids?) Everything is being outsourced, from household chores to the technology we buy. Are we losing the ability to make anything from scratch? It's gotten to the point that when someone makes something by hand, it's no longer considered work. It's now called "arts and crafts."

I would like to pass on a lot of different skills to my children. I don't just want them to be good at their careers and bring home money. There are still those things that can't be done for you. Enduring the discipline required to play a musical instrument, feeling the thrill of winning in a sport, camping in the wilderness and being one with nature, experiencing foreign cultures and lands, and being a living testament to God's Love... Priceless.

Ahjuma

2006-03-30T17:17:00.000-08:00

So, I caved and finally got the perm. I know, I know, so ahjuma. But, it's so much easier for me to style and manage, especially for a mother of 2 (spoken like a true ahjuma). I don't think it makes me look older though. Thank God it turned out nice, especially since we are going to be taping our final installments of our reDesign episode all next week. It took me a total of 4 HOURS AND 15 MINUTES to get my hair to look like this. Just another sacrifice we women make for beauty. I don't know how African American women do it so frequently. I don't even like wearing makeup, but somehow sat in a beauty salon for over 4 hours. What did I do during that time, you ask? I took botanical flashcards with me so I could study for my Plant ID exam tonight. Yes, I'm an ahjuma nerd.

The Kingdom (or tent) of God

2006-03-29T23:41:00.000-08:00

I was reading with my husband about a sort of demonstration on Penn campus. It's really a Christian group that has opened up a 24/7 prayer tent in the middle of campus so that members of the campus community can come and share their prayer requests and have someone pray for them if they want (they can also sing songs, play bongos and cast their sins in a bucket). It's a very hokey concept, but hey, anything that promotes prayer can't be bad, right? Well, many among the campus have directed their attacks toward this tent and are criticizing it on the grounds that the school lawn should not be littered with religious propaganda, especially one that includes one religion (Christianity) and excludes others. It upsets me that people get so upset over a very passive method of religious expression (Do I have to bring up the Constitution?). It's simply available to those who are interested in stopping by and not intended to be exclusive. In fact, it is open to the general public. Why is it that the majority of people are so close-minded and strict about the need to be univerally inclusive, to the point that there is absolutely no tolerance for minority opinions?

Warning

2006-03-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks Joe's car has had the "Airbag" indicator light on in his dash. I noticed it the few times I was driving his car to my evening classes. So, the other day, I suggested that Joe check his manual to see what the light being on meant. He said he thought it'd be pretty useless to check the manual since it probably won't say with certainty what the problem is. I decided to consult the manual, which said that we basically should take it to the shop to get it checked out, because the airbag may or may not be functioning. Duh. So, why do they even have such indicator lights? Does it REALLY mean that something is wrong with the airbag? I don't want to wait until an accident occurs to find out. Instead of all these stupid lights that go on when something is malfunctioning (which could be anything from a problem with the computer to an actual mechanical problem), they should just have one big warning light that says "TAKE THE CAR TO THE SHOP NOW!"

The last time the engine check light went on in my car, I was freaking out. "What does that mean? Is my car going to stop working. The engine appears to be working alright. Damn you Honda. This car is only a year old!" It turns out that the mechanic that did my last oil change simply neglected to reset the computer after my last service. Well that's what the service guy said before he reset the computer. What if something IS really wrong with the car? How can you just turn off the indicator without checking the whole engine first? Did you notice that mechanics are all shady? You really have no idea what they're doing to your car, but you just hope and pray that it's okay, especially after charging you a hefty portion of the value of the car. My dad was a mechanic for part of his life (the only non-shady one), and knowing the business, he used to tell me to never take the car in for service myself (because I'm a woman), even though I may be more knowledgeable than my husband about some car issues.

*Follow-up: The problem with the airbag has been rectified. Apparently there was a faulty wire. When Joe asked the technician if the airbag would have worked still, his answer was, "I dunno, but it's good that we didn't have to find out." Yes, indeed... moron.

Recovery

2006-03-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

I am not sick anymore, but then why do I feel like crap still? I rarely get sick, but when I do, it's like the plague hit me. Abby brought some virus home from some germy kid at school and passed it on to her sister and me last week. We all got over the fever pretty fast, but now I'm suffering from the worst cough. It's just post nasal drip, says my husband. Why does it take so freakin long to stop dripping? Every evening and through the night I get these VIOLENT cough attacks that leave me completely spent, tearing, snotty and raspy. You would think I have some kind of deadly disease (which is what people are thinking when they observe one of my episodes), but NO, it's just post-nasal drip. Arghfkulghakheg! Anyway, so that's what I've been doing over the past week and that's why I've been so quiet over here in bloggerland. I'm just hacking my brains out. I have a lot of things I want to write about, but alas, I must conserve my energy for my next cough attack. I'm getting desperate. I just finished my bottle of Tussin and am almost down to my last cough drop, which by the way are totally placebo drugs. Please make the coughing stop.

In the Mood for some Good Food

2006-03-21T21:56:00.000-08:00

Homework. It's not enjoyable at any age. I hate being given homework, because I seem to think I'm mature enough to learn information without having to be forced to memorize it. Well, most of the time. I have classes for the next 2 nights and I'm cramming all my homework again, just like the good old days. I have an excuse though. I've been sick. I hate that slimy, chilly, sweaty feeling you get when you're sick. My saliva tastes mediciney. I am starting to get my appetite back now, especially after reading my good friend Cha's culinary adventures.

What is your signature dinner dish? I think it would have to be jigae: kimchi jigae, daenjahng jigae, dubu jigae or mehuhn tahng. I'm actually pretty good at making anything soupy. I love Korean stews. They are so hearty and SO nutritious. For non-Korean, I would have to say my beer can chicken.

What is your signature dessert? I can make a mean birthday cake and decorate it just as nicely as the store-bought kind. My favorite cake to make is a butter cake with pineapple syrup, vanilla custard and a very lightly sweetened whipped cream frosting. It is my responsibility to make all the family birthday cakes.

What is your signature drink? Tea. Not that I'm better than anyone else at boiling water, but my Dad brought back the most amazing black tea from China and it is pure comfort in a mug.

What food/dish holds the most meaning for you? I have two: Chicken fried steak and meatloaf. I must have been the only kid throughout all my school years that got excited on chicken-fried steak days at the school cafeteria. I've searched high and low and chicken fried steak here in CA just doesn't compare to TX. The best version I've tasted in LA is at Black Cow in Montrose on Honolulu. Meatloaf is another favorite comfort food. It has significance in my life because one of my passions in life is perfecting my meatloaf recipe. It's partly a blend of recipes from Barefoot Contessa and Joy of Cooking and some of the ingredients include ground turkey (shhh, don't tell), oatmeal and at least half a dozen root vegetables.

What food/dish would you be happy to never eat again? I have very few food aversions. For those who know me, you know I will try anything at least once and it's rare for me not to like a particular food, but if I had to choose one, it would be soondae. In case you don't know, it's blood sausage. It's made of rice, vegetables, coagulated beef blood (yes, you heard me right), encased in intestine. My husband loves it and I am sickened by even the smell of it. That's probably the only food disagreement we have.

What food did you dislike as a child, but now enjoy very much? It's hard to believe but I used to hate cilantro and avocados. Crazy. Cilantro was definitely an acquired taste for me, which I absolutely love now. I think I hated avocados because I had some unsavory guacamole once as a child and someone told me it was made of avocados, which I then avoided for about 20 years. Now I buy them by the 6-pack at Costco every month.

What food did you love as a child, but cannot tolerate anymore? Chef Boyardee. How did we eat that crap? I remember enjoying it as a child, but recently I thought I'd try some again and it tasted putrid and was all mushy. My kids like it, so it must be one of those tastes we un-acquire when our tastebuds mature.

What is your favorite street or fast food? Without hesitation, In-N-Out. I don't know how anyone outside CA can survive without their burgers. I never thought hamburgers were that good until I had an In-N-Out burger on my first trip to LA. My usual is a cheeseburger with onion, and extra lettuce & tomato. Occasionally I will get the double-double and when I'm in the mood, animal style. There is an In-N-Out stand within walking distance of my home. I know. I'm blessed.

What is your favorite restaurant dish? Hot: Galbi at Sutbul Jeep or Chamsoogol (although you'll have a much better dining experience at the latter). Cold: Any sushi at Sasabune. Just go along with what the chef says.

What is/was your greatest restaurant experience? The Anuenue Room at the Ritz in Maui. First of all, it was our honeymoon, so there were no kids; only the two of us, and we had no worries in the world. The other reasons why it was so memorable were the amazing service, the incredible food cooked to perfection, the delicious sweetbread (calf thymus), the luscious chocolate souffle, and of course, Maui. Sadly, the restaurant is no longer around.

What is/was your greatest restaurant disappointment? It's rare for us to have a bad experience, because we usually do so much research before we even step foot in a restaurant. We like to check Zagat, Chowhound and get recommendations first. It's hard to have a spontaneous dining experience with all that work. But years ago, we were walking through our old neighborhood and decided to randomly stop at a local sushi place for a bite. The sushi was worse than the previously frozen fish you get at the market, and it was served up raw! I think that was the last spontaneous dining experience we've had. Unless you live in Studio City, don't ever eat at the local neighborhood sushi joint.

What is/was your most upsetting culinary experience? I have 2. I made my beer can chicken in our new barbecue and I guess I hadn't stabilized the chicken enough (it balances over the mouth of a half-filled beer can). I came back 30 minutes later and apparently the chicken had toppled over with the beer and got scorched, along with the inside of the new barbecue. The other happened shortly after we got married. I decided to be a good Korean wife and try to learn how to make a bunch of traditional Korean side dishes, using only a list of ingredients from my mom or Joe's mom and my own tastebuds to guide me (it's hard to find a good Korean cookbook and Korean parents don't use recipes). I made 4 different dishes at once, most of them requiring overnight soaking of dried ingredients and then shredding and marinating them. After all my laboring in the kitchen, I couldn't get any of it to taste right. I'm much better at making those dishes now, but it was the worst cooking memory because of all the hours of preparation and buildup, with nothing to show at the end.

What is/was your most satisfying culinary experience? My most satisfying cooking experience may be last summer when we went camping and I prepared salmon steaks with slivers of onions and sweet peppers, garlic and ginger; topped with a teriyaki wasabi sauce; wrapped individually in foil packets and thrown over the fire. Who says you can't camp in style? My most satisfying baking experience may have been making 5 (or was it 6?) birthday cake centerpieces from scratch for my first daughter's 1-year birthday party. They were decorated with individually made sugar leaves and lollipop flowers. It turned out so well that I did it again for my second daughter's 1st Birthday.

What is/was your funniest culinary experience? the aforementioned baking experience. Imagine my little brother, Cha and me frantically sifting, baking, mixing and frosting 6 cakes in a dinky kitchen with very little counter space. It was also funny because I got to make them my sous chefs and sift about a hundred cups of flour and powdered sugar with my 1 poorly functioning sifter.

If you had to eat the same dish for dinner every night for the rest of your life, what would it be? kimchi jigae, with a bowl of rice and gim. I would do it by choice, too. I wait with anticipation until the kimchi in the fridge gets overly ripe, so I can cook up a big pot of mouth-watering, spicy, tangy, salty, savory kimchi jigae. Excuse me, gotta go grab a tissue. I'm actually drooling at the thought.

Say what?

2006-03-17T02:01:00.000-08:00

I am currently learning in one of my Landscaping classes how to read, write and speak in Botanese (not sure if that's a real term). For example, can you say the name Clytostoma callistegioides or Pathenocissus tricuspidata? When I got into this landscaping stuff I had no idea I would be learning a 4th language. I just love plants. But why is it that with everything in life, you can't just do something you like, and then sit back and enjoy it? There always has to be a test, a challenge. Who knew that planting beautiful flowers and trees required that I learn Latin and memorize plant botanical names? Why can't I just go to the darn nursery and say, "Gimme 10 flats of those pretty purple thingies and a dozen of those yellow scented shrubs. And while you're at it, can you just put them in the ground over in that corner, please?" And who knew that being a Landscape Designer meant I would need to learn the detailed process behind laying concrete, installing masonry, and planning complex irrigation systems?

I have always managed to find my way down the difficult path. When I was in college, I started off in engineering school. After suffering through advanced calculus, P-Chem, and every level of Physics, I decided, engineering was not in my future. Then I decided to be poli-sci/pre-med. Since I had spent almost half my college years in engineering school, I had to hurriedly get through all the requirements for my new major, plus make sure I got in all the necessary classes for med-school admissions. Needless to say, my GPA was not stellar, especially after engineering school and overloading myself with a whole slew of new requirements to complete in 2 years. After college, I took the MCAT twice (excuse my French, but it's a bitch). In the meantime, I decided to study public health in order to get myself together to apply to med schools and to gain some background knowledge on the community side of health delivery. Sadly, I have abandoned all of this as well. No engineering. No political science. No med school. No public health. But if you ever need a public policy health engineering landscape consultant, you know who to call.

So, here I sit, about to embark on the prime years of my life and still scratching the surface of what it is my calling in life is. I've begun to realize that nothing in life comes easy. And in the end, I fear this is all I will learn in this life. It reminds me of Ecclesiastes. Life at times feels so futile. But glancing back, I don't regret having traversed such a windy and sometimes bleak road. It has brought me opportunities I would have never imagined, introduced me to people and places I never knew, delivered me from one coast to the other and just about every state in between, and opened my eyes to varying points of view. And that's what life is: it's a gift. Sometimes it's the perfect gift that you've been waiting for all year and sometimes it's the thing you take to the church Christmas white elephant gift exchange that keeps finding its way home to you.

Freedom

2006-03-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

I'm reading a book which reminded me of a debate I had back in college between a group of friends. The book is Life of Pi and the debate is about animals in zoos. The debate I had among friends started with pragmatic Ajay stating that animals in captivity (i.e. in the zoo) seem to lead a better life than animals in the wild. After all, there is no threat of predators, a constant supply of nutritional food, and healthcare when you are sick. I distinctly remember the liberal majority (i.e. Phil, Chris & Emily) staunchly attacking Ajay's claim and arguing for freedom as being of utmost importance. Without freedom, what is life? ... My opinion? It lies somewhere in between. If animals thought like humans, I suppose they would not be satisfied with mundane zoo life. But if animals did not care about such things and merely thought about survival, then sure, life in the zoo would be hands-down second to none. The only close scenario Joe and I could come up with on a human level was if our whole family got uprooted from a very dangerous, urban, crime-ridden area and sent to a monastery. But it wouldn't be a normal monastery, because it would also have TV, all the food we need, and all the modern amenities we have come to depend on (cable, internet, etc..). The only catch is that we could never leave. I'm sure no one would ever choose this life, but we are presupposing that animals think like us, which I'm pretty sure they don't. Okay, I admit, Joe and I sometimes have very abnormal conversations.

In Life of Pi it talks about this issue and poses this scenario: We as people find comfort in the homes we've built for ourselves. We have worked out a way to have running water, constant food supply, shelter and security provided to us, all under one roof. If a stranger were to come along and kick us out of our homes and say, "Go, be free," would our response be gratitude? I am in no way saying that zoo is the home that animals have chosen for themselves, but think about this: Animals choose and mark their territories. Even though they have all the world to explore and wander, they stay within a relatively small area only wandering outside in search of resources, because that is what they have claimed as their domain. After some time, if an animal were to become accustomed to their accommodations at the zoo, wouldn't they also mark their territory and set up camp as they would back in their own natural habitat? The added bonus is that they wouldn't have to wander off looking for food and they would not have to worry about predators and parasites. So, to answer the question (10 years later), I agree with you Ajay. Animals in the zoo do have it pretty good. One thing's for sure - I certainly prefer animals behind cages to animals in my backyard.

This topic is also making me think more about our own existence. We too give up certain freedoms to live behind secure walls. We limit ourselves to where we live, where we go, and what we do in order to feel safe, all deliberate choices in exchange for freedom. The growing acceptance of racial profiling and increasing government control post 9/11 are also examples of how we are willing to trade our freedom for walls. Some of us even live in gated communities where there are artificial parks and lakes, much like a larger zoo pen. Interesting.

For some reason, I seem to be the only one in our book club getting into this book. Anyone else read this book and have positive or negative reviews to give?

Anyway, I leave you with THIS, a truly amazing example of SKILL. I still can't decide if it's the craziest or the most brilliant thing I've ever seen.

Thirty nine things

2006-03-10T15:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while since I did a survey. I love lists. I think it's the math nerd in me needing to inject numbers to break up a page of words. Anyway, thanks, Cha. Enjoy.

What is your full name now? Just call me Halle. I'd rather not use my full name, in case it is used for evil, such as marketing purposes. Darn telemarketers.
What are you wearing right now? Jeans, powder blue sweater, black jacket vest
What are you listening to now? Jack Johnson CD from the movie Curious George, which is my absolute favorite CD right now. It's a winner for adults and children.
What was the last thing you ate? A spoonful of Double Rainbow ultra chocolate ice cream. It's my occasional indulgence.
Do you wish on stars? Sort of. I say a little prayer whenever I see one. I'm a bit superstitious, which is why I can't get myself to take down the mezzuzah from our front door, even though I'm not Jewish.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Crayola Sea Green.
How is the weather right now? It's a bit overcast and brisk, because the air is saturated and ready to pour.
Last person you spoke to on the phone? Joe
How old are you today? Thirty-one
Favorite drink? Hot: chai tea with honey and milk. Cold: beer, preferably an ale. Which reminds me, I have a case of Shiner Bock in the fridge.
Favorite sport? To participate: swimming. To watch: I'm not that into watching sports, unless it's live, then it could be almost anything, including log-rolling.
Favorite hobby? Gardening, cooking, and crafts, much like Martha.
Hair color? Black, like the night
Siblings? 1 baby bro
Favorite food? First is Korean (homecooked is best, but if not, then Chamsoogol). Thai and sushi are tied for second
What was the last movie you watched? I think Garden State. Walk the Line is next up for this weekend.
Favorite day of the year? Thanksgiving. I love Fall, getting together with family, praising God for all his blessings, and it's probably the only non-commercial holiday left.
What was your favorite toy as a child? Legos.
Summer or winter? Winter. I love to bundle up in layers, plus I hate heat and sweating.
Hugs or kisses? Depends on who it's from. Kisses from my husband and kids. Hugs from everyone else.
Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate. The darkest bittersweet (Valrhona).
Do you want your friends to email you back? Of course.
When was the last time you cried? 3 nights ago, but just a little.
What is under your bed? Storage bins with wrapping paper and ribbon, and a pair of tennis shoes just in case there's an earthquake.
Who is the friend you have had the longest? Analisa, whom I've known since elementary.
What did you do last night? Went to my first Plant Materials Identification class where I found out I will have a quiz or test every week and need to make flash cards so I can memorize hundreds of plant botanical names and their spelling. We will also take hikes every week to collect plant samples. It sounds tedious, but the horticultural nerd in me is so excited.
Favorite smell? Johnson's softwash baby shampoo on my kids and Dove soap on my husband.
Favorite TV show? Lost. I'm still trying to catch up with the first season, so I can start on the second.
Happy in life? Most days.
What are you afraid of? Not being a good mother and wife. Not leading a productive and effective life for God.
Butter or salted? Salt
Favorite car? I love both our children (our A4 and our Odyssey) equally. Dream car: A6.
Favorite flower? Orchids - each variety is so unique. Lily of the valley is also another favorite. Freesias are my favorite scented flowers. It's so hard to choose when you're a plant lover.
Number of keys on your key ring? 5 keys and 2 remotes
How many years at your current job? 3.5 at being a SAHM
Favorite day of the week? Saturday. I like to party, party.
What did you do on your last birthday? Joe took me to a jazz supper club, just the two of us.
How many towns have you lived in? Seven.
Do you make friends easily? Not really. I'm very shy and it can take me years to get past the acquaintance stage with most people. I am very selective in my choice of friends, which is why I have a small number of really close friends. So, my friends are a group I like to call "the privileged elite."

Some encouragement (a follow-up)

2006-03-09T22:43:00.000-08:00

I realized I may have scared some of you soon-to-be moms and dads out there with my last post. Sure, being a parent is the toughest job and the greatest challenge I have ever faced, but isn't that what makes us stronger and wiser. I can't say that I'm happier as a parent, because I don't know how my life would be without the kids. But I can say that my life is much richer and has taken on a new perspective since the kids came along. Take a look at grandparents - they are not just good for telling stories of war and hardship, they are overflowing wells of knowledge about life and people. Becoming a parent (and a wife) has taught me that I know very little about people and relationships. If I really knew so much, then everything would have turned out as I expected, right? And because they often don't turn out, it tells me that I have a lot more to learn. A lifetime more to learn.

The day after I posted my rant about my struggles with Abby, I sat down with her and told her how I felt and about my intentions to be a good mom for her. That day I also tried harder to listen to her, instead of just trying to get her to listen to me. I think we're starting to get somewhere. I used to think my job as a parent was simply to direct my child away from the wrong path and towards the right one, but it's so much more than that. Being a parent means that I get the privilege of walking with my child, growing with her, imparting some of my wisdom if she wants to hear it, and cheering for her all the way. Our children are not ours to raise so they can become the beneficiaries and heirs of all our hopes and dreams. Abby is a little girl who will someday become a woman with a family who loves and supports her in becoming the best [whatever it is she wants to be]. It's good to be a mom and it's good to be Abby's mom.

THE PHASE

2006-03-08T01:28:00.000-08:00

I'm at my wit's end. I'm going through a frustrating few months. Tensions are high. I feel helpless, insufficient, and totally incompetent. My main problem these days is my relationship with Abby. Fortunately, for everyone else, HER issues and frustrations in life seem to really only be directed at me, the very same mother who gave birth to her for 25 hours (I hear my MIL use that guilt tactic on Joe, which I hope I never do with my own daughter. I just wanted some sympathy.). Overall, my daughter is loving, caring, considerate, bubbly, exuberant, and funny. But when she is not these things, she is ... difficult, to put it nicely. Where does she get it from? Must be from Joe's side of the family, because from what my mother tells me, I was an absolute angel.

I wonder sometimes, is this just a phase? But then I see those older kids that still act like Abby in one of her moods and I think, that child is just plain rotten. Their parents must have thought they were going through a phase and they're still waiting for that phase to end. There's a point when you have to face the fact that it may not just be a phase, but some other underlying issues. Am I not disciplining her enough, is my discipline ineffective, is she jealous of the attention I give her younger sister, am I being too strict, am I being too overbearing, am I spoiling her, is she having outside relationship problems, or is it just a matter of our personalities clashing? These are all questions I am constantly asking myself and I don't really ever seem to find the answers to. I sometimes fear that it will be like this forever with she and I. I just want her to obey me and she just wants her way. Finding the compromise between our two positions is the real problem and the solution.

Sometimes I read parenting magazines or books in search of answers. But finding consistent answers from child psychologists is like finding the perfect weight loss solution - is it low fat, or high fat, or high protein, or no carb, or all fruit, or portion control, or just cabbage soup? I was reading this one psychologist that said that you should never raise your voice at your child. Come on. Try that on a trantummy child who doesn't want to take a nap or clean up their toys. "Pretty please, can you please take a nap? It would make mommy so happy." : ) If there's not a loud verbal threat attached to my proposition, I have a hard time getting my children to move when they're not in the mood. Do these child psychologists even have children? It's easy to sit back and give advice when you don't have to deal with it yourself. Unfortunately, I'm no relationship guru or child psychologist either. Maybe I should just medicate her. I'm not really serious. I know. I'm bad. But maybe just until she gets out of this"phase?" Do you ever just want to run out of the house screaming?

The envelope

2006-03-06T00:56:00.001-08:00

I think I must be the only person in LA not watching the Academy Awards. Aside from my soon to be airing 30 minutes of fame on reDesign, I try to ignore Hollywood. The whole industry annoys me. Any person or group of people who think they are so influential in people's lives, but really have little true value to the world, bugs me. You (or should I say, we?) are entertainers. That's all. I still enjoy meeting actors and musicians, especially the gracious ones, but the ones that act like they're above all that, really chap my hide. Anyway, I am even more annoyed because I checked the Oscar winners online and my top pick for most overly hyped and overrated films won best picture. Don't get me started again on why I hate this film so much ... it's not just the sometimes overdone acting, the purposely disjointed and ineffective storyline, and the contrived and boringly obvious script. Who can't make a movie with a bunch of actors fulfilling every extreme racial stereotype in the book? I just feel bad for the skinhead and the redneck KKK member that got cut in the final edit of the film. This just proves that the Academy has NO idea what they're talking about. And by the way, any movie with Sandra Bullock is on my "worst list." She makes Brendan Fraser look like an Oscar contender. This has to be the worst year in Oscar history.

Okay, that's my Hollywood rant for the day. Moving on. I can't believe we are well into March already. I keep getting this month mixed up with the last and the next one. It's weird. I think it has to do with the fact that the weather is so random here. January was the warmest month so far this year. That, plus the fact that the days are passing so quickly, all contribute to my complete inability to keep track of time. My problem may be more serious though. The other day, I was looking at the expiration date on a box of cookies and I got confused. "It says October 2006, is that expired yet or is it still safe to consume?" It's not 2007 yet, is it? Who's this strange man in my house and whose kids are these? Wait, where am I? I think I'm definitely doomed to live the later part of my years with dementia. I should ask Joe for an MRI.

Ahhh. Another fresh week. I say that every week. I think I'm just trying to erase all the mistakes from the past week. The kids finally fell asleep at about 11 PM. This means that in the morning I get to look forward to battling a cranky, uncooperative 3-yr old and trying to get her to school on time. God, give me mercy and let me have grace.

**Added on 3/10/06: Link to an excellent LA Times article by Steve Lopez on Crash and racial tension in LA.

The key to learning

2006-03-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

I learned fairly early on that when you push your will on your children, it backfires. Case in point: potty training for 9 months. Abby finally gave in and decided that she wanted to use the potty after I gave up and stopped trying. Part of the reason why I have to keep myself busy (with school, hobbies, activities) is that if I didn't, I'm afraid I would get too wrapped up in my kids' development. Getting too involved doesn't seem like a bad thing for a mother, but I fear for my children, because I think I have the potential to be ... a bit overbearing. You see, I have the type of personality that is very positive and hopeful, so when I start dreaming about something, my imagination runs wild and I start to get a bit overly ambitious. This goes for myself and my loved ones.

I am waiting patiently for the day when our kids can read. That to me is when a whole new world will open up for them. After all, reading is the key to learning. I probably have a collection of books that parallels the fiction section of our local library. I have even invested money on various teaching guides/games to teach our kids to read. I am waiting patiently like a panther stalking its prey for the first sign that Abby wants to read and then I will probably pounce on the poor girl. In my search for the perfect preschool and eventual elementary school, I've discovered that kids each learn at their own pace and have their own interests and aversions, much like us adults. Abby is attending a Montessori school right now (I recently discovered that the Google guys went to Montessori schools. They attributed some of their success to the early teachings of their schools), which we chose mainly because they were very balanced in their philosophy (play vs. academics). Also part of the reason why we chose the school was because we observed that the children behaved in a way that we wanted our daughter to mimic. I thought, if she could only be more focused and attentive like those children, then maybe she could really learn something.

Kids each have their own aptitudes - some can read by 3, some can speak coherently by 1, some can walk by 10 months, and some are the last for all of these milestones. In the end, they all become fully-functioning adults. WHEN our kids learn to read, write or add will have little or no influence on their success as adults. Having an interest in learning these things is far more important, because from their interest comes a desire to learn and excel. That's where my hopes come in. What happens if my kids don't WANT to read, appreciate art, learn other languages, play piano, study various musical instruments, or join sports teams? This probably sums up my main struggle as a parent: I want my children to listen to me, because I think I know best what's good for them, but they are not always willing or ready to listen to me, and their desires are often not consistent with mine. I want them to get dressed in pants, warm jackets and tennis shoes; they want to wear princess dresses and flip flops. I want them to put their heads underwater and learn to swim; they would rather cling to mom and have me escort them around the pool.

*Sigh* As I sit here and think about these issues, I realize what hell I put my parents through. The same stubborn will that I have now is what my parents had to endure for so many years growing up, and now I am sitting in their very same shoes. Reflecting on my childhood/adolescence, I think many times I just wanted to be my own person and treated with respect. That's why kids do the opposite of what they are told, even if it is obviously harmful to them. Kids hate being treated like kids, but adults can't help seeing them as naive kids. I constantly have to remind myself that I am here to guide and protect them, not impose my dreams and hopes on them. There is a big difference between guiding their decisions and making decisions for them. It's an art that I am far from mastering. The main keys are to give our kids confidence to try their best, assurance that their best is good enough, and inspiration to always try to be better.

I live for the weekend

2006-02-28T00:08:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a good weekend. I had a relatively relaxing, but totally satisfying few days. A couple of nights of not having to cook, some time away from the kids surrounded by beautiful scenery at my class fieldtrip, dinner at my new favorite restaurant where we spotted the Divine Miss M. (who knew Bette Midler likes Korean BBQ), and watching the first 5 episodes of Lost, FINALLY. Mama like. I just went back to Blockbuster and traded in the first disc for the next two. I'm addicted. This is totally what I was fearing. My goal is to allow no more than 1 episode per night. I had watched some episodes here and there in the past, but since I didn't watch any of the early episodes and didn't watch frequently enough to follow the characters, I couldn't really get hooked. But now with the miracle of TV on DVD, I can watch to my heart's content, all commercial-free. This is the best way to watch TV. Even though there are new episodes of Lost every week, I will wait until this season comes out on DVD to watch it. It's the only way to go, that is, for a mom with my schedule. By the way, do they ever find out what crime Kate committed? I'm sure it couldn't have been anything THAT bad. She has got to be the most gorgeous actor on TV. And what kind of mental illness Locke has? What an incredible cast! By the way, I love it when the Korean couple speaks and no one, including the TV-viewing audience, can understand because they have no subtitles. It's like this added bonus, because I know their secret language. I love the whole premise that whatever happened in your life before the crash is irrelevant now. We as people have a hard time with this, because we need to know where someone came from, their family upbringing, their birth order, their crimes, their passions, their aptitudes, etc... in order to size someone up. Wouldn't it be refreshing if we could leave our lives behind and be who we are, without our CVs and our history?

This weekend, I also finished reading Tipping Point, and found it to be incredibly enlightening. Who knew that every human brain is only able to distinguish the same finite number of categories, love a certain number of people and have a certain capacity for the number of people we know. This is all programmed in our brains and not a result of how good we are socially. There are so many applications for this type of information. For instance, I was thinking about our church and its membership, which is hovering somewhere under 150. According to the book, if we were to get any larger, divisions would naturally start forming and there wouldn't be the same close-knit community as before. It's so true - we know, at least at some level, everyone within our church and are able to go up to anyone fairly comfortably. Getting people's names straight isn't an issue yet and people are at a comfortable level where they know who to ask for help in certain situations. We are like one tribe. I like it this way.

It's the beginning of a fresh week and I think I'm finally starting to feel like I have a grip on balancing household demands, the kids and my own interests. It only took me about 3 1/2 years. I can say now that I'm at a point where my kids have a normal routine and their needs are being met, but at the same time, I have a schedule, too, and am getting what I need from the day to keep me charged and happy. Why is it then that everyone is starting to ask me again if we're going to have a third baby? What? Do I look too content and comfortable, as if I need another challenge in my life?

Fuchsia Bling Bling

2006-02-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to my night class and left my kids, finishing up their meals with Dad. At the end of the evening, I came home to a frazzled and very exhausted husband. Apparently, the kids had found my bottle of Fuchsia Bling Bling nail polish (this is the actual color name, I kid you not) and proceeded to paint themselves from head to toe. My older daughter decided to inform Dad of what was going on, but only after she made sure her toenails and fingernails had at least 2 coats. Poor Joe, trying to finish up the dishes, ran to stop any further damage and found my littlest one with a brightly painted pink face and body, and nail polish dripping on our bedroom carpet. His next step was to contain the mess and the messmakers, still wet with polish, in the bathtub where they can't get out and cause any more trouble. This way he could return to the scene of the crime and address the stains on the carpet. He comes back minutes later and the kids are having a water fight in the tub. Their clothes are drenched. Joe then scrubs their faces and any other body parts that would be exposed outside their clothes, so that Abby is at least presentable for school the next day; that is, as long as she wears long sleeves and pants. Finally, he drops them pronto into bed, for a total time of 1 hour, from start to finish.

At first I was thinking, how could this happen? And then I was reminded of all the times the kids tried to pull stunts like this on me. Since then I've learned to think one step ahead. You see, if there's more than 2 minutes of silence in the house, that means the kids are either plotting to make trouble or are in the midst of causing a catastrophe. At this point, you must drop what you're doing, haul your @$$ at light speed over to where they are, and prepare yourself for some clean-up and possible haz-mat intervention. I feel bad, but I was almost laughing at how ridiculous the situation was. It was then that I realized that as much as men (including Dads) are programmed to handle intense stress and danger, they are not equipped to deal with nail polish mishaps (hello, acetone!). At least it wasn't on my watch, and at least the kids were in bed and sound asleep when I got home.

Clubbing without the dancing

2006-02-23T14:13:00.000-08:00

Book clubs have always been curious to me - you read an assigned book and get together to discuss it without there being a grade? I am now officially part of my first one and it is not at all what I had expected. I have to admit that I was picturing something like my senior AP English or college literature classes where we sat around and discussed literary elements and writing styles and even theses. I'm sort of glad it was not that rigid. In fact, the "club" itself seems only inspired by the books we read, and more driven by the passions of the women there. Our first book discussion was about Still Life with Rice. I think the story on the whole was well told and sparked in us experiences and reflections from our own lives. For those of us who are married, it spoke to us as mothers and wives who struggle to give our families the best and meld two families into one. As singles, it spoke to us as Korean American women caught between two cultures, who struggle and live in a man's world, dictated by men's notions and standards.

It's so hard being a woman. We are always underestimated, and our worth, as much as we resist, is so tied up in being accepted according to MAN-made standards. When we go to the workplace, we are taught to think and act like men in order to excel, and when we go home, we are expected to nurture and hold the house together like a piece of carefully woven fabric. We are strong, adaptable chameleons. I'm sad to say that when I first learned I was having girls, part of me felt a bit disappointed. I knew that I would be bringing two girls into this world who would face a host of discrimination and trials based solely on their gender. I can't say what it's like to be a man, but when I compare struggles with my husband, he agrees that being a man is easier. I AM glad that we gave birth to two girls. I have so many desires and aspirations for them. I want to teach them to fight the odds, stand firm to their beliefs and find their own voice. God endowed them with unique strengths, some of which include supportive roles, but some which may also include leadership functions. Women have more power today than ever before, because the ability to succeed as a member of the human race is no longer based on physical strength, but on our mental prowess. Sure, we will always have to prove our worth and speak louder to be heard, but we are making waves.

By the way, do men have book clubs, too? My husband is willing to start a movie club if there are any takers. It doesn't sound like much of a "club" in my opinion. Anyway, I'm excited to see how our book club will evolve and how much more we will learn from one another. It's just what I needed - to stimulate my brain cells and warm my senses with the company of like-minded sisters. We are women, hear us roar.

A milestone

2006-02-18T00:57:00.000-08:00

Pierced ear
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

Today was a big day for Abby, because she got her ears pierced. We didn't wake up today and plan for this to happen. When we were at the mall with some of her friends she casually stopped at a shop that sells earrings and does ear piercing. When I asked Abby if she was interested in getting her ears pierced, she said without hesitation, "Yes, mommy." "Do you want to do it today?" "Uh huh," she nodded. She has been thinking about this for some time and has even brought the subject up in the past. After calling Dad and getting the okay, she picked the earrings that she wanted, which were pink gemstones, of course. I then proceeded to tell her the painful details she would have to face if she decided to go through with it. She wasn't shaken at all. She sat on my lap and the kind lady explained what she was about to do and Abby just looked up and waited. She didn't even flinch when the earring punctured her skin. After her left ear was pierced, she turned her head to allow the lady to repeat the process with the other ear. No tears, no resistance. I was so proud of her and the store attendant was shocked as well. She's only 3! It then began to hit me that my baby is no longer a baby. She's becoming a young lady and she will soon be making larger and more important decisions in her life, not just what earrings she will wear today. It was too much for me to swallow at that moment. You should have seen the look of pride on her face when she saw herself for the first time with the earrings in her ears. It was priceless.

Surf 'N Turf

2006-02-15T22:46:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to brag about the awesome gourmet Valentine's dinner I threw together in about 30 minutes. And all this with two toddlers in the house. I think I should start a FoodTV cooking show called 30-Minute Meal with 2 Toddlers on Your Back. The menu consisted of succulent filet mignon, tender and sweet scallops with a drizzle of miso sauce (which our younger daughter kept referring to as chicken), and potato galette. If you ever want fresh tender steaks and seafood, look no further than Costco. The only problem is that I now have 3 extra steaks. We ended with chocolate-covered strawberries, which I make every Valentine's, in memory of the very first Valentine's Joe and I celebrated together as boyfriend/girlfriend. Even from the beginning he knew me well - instead of a dozen roses, he bought me a dozen chocolate-dipped strawberries. Joe, you had me at "chocolate dipped."

Happy Love Day!

2006-02-14T14:14:00.000-08:00

I was surprised when I turned on Blue's Clues today to find that we are not celebrating Valentine's Day today, but instead "LOVE Day". How much more P.C. can we get? Is St. Valentine too Judeo Christian for everyone? First it was Christmas, now it's Valentines. What's next, Mardi Gras? Personally, I could care less. In our household, we don't celebrate the holiday, at least not the typical way. Before the kids came along, Joe used to go through the whole rigmarole of making reservations over a month in advance just so we could sit down to an overpriced, mass-produced 4-course prix fixe meal. One year, we decided to put our foot down. To us, showing love and appreciation is a daily part of life. I don't need a holiday to eat a box of chocolates or enjoy some good food. I can (and do) do that whenever I please. I am proud to say that I haven't bought a Hallmark card in over 2 years. Not that I don't have anything against the company ($4 for a piece of paper with someone's else's words on it and then sold by the millions, that's brilliant), but I'd rather make my own cards. They have more meaning and more heart. I'm starting to sound so "baaa humbug". Anyway, I do have a 3-course dinner at home planned for us, and if the kids go down early, maybe we can actually digest our food and enjoy each other's company in peace. This is my idea of a perfect Valentine's Day. I will celebrate Valentines Day today, if not only for the reason to give my husband and babies more smooches.

To Joe: Although you have a voice audible to even the deafest animals and humans, have a fiery temper and are not Mr. Fixit, I love you. I love the way you care for our girls and me like your own right arm, I love it when you crack cheesy jokes and ask immediately after, "Ya like that one?" and I love your ceaseless patience and perseverance in opening the 10-ton safe holding my inner feelings and thoughts. We have learned a lot about each other over the years and amazingly, our love continues to grow. You complement my every weakness and temper my every madness. Where would I be without you?

To my girls: Although the drama in the house has gone up ten-fold since you've been born and there are days I wish and pray for just a minute of silence, I would not be who I am today without you. Even when there were days I couldn't get up or couldn't bear to face the day, I knew you would be there, waiting, smiling, depending on me. My two biggest accomplishments were giving birth to you two. You are my reasons to smile everyday: Abby, my strong, witty, feisty, giggly Princess; and Sarah, my soft, gentle, sweet, cuddly, baby baby.

Happy Love Day, everyone.

Let's go clubbing

2006-02-13T13:32:00.000-08:00

I couldn't resist. When I saw this, I couldn't keep it to myself. This may quite possibly be the mother of all Korean inventions. It epitomizes Korean ingenuity at its best. Sure, Koreans didn't invent the first underwear, but we sure know how to take a good idea and run with it. Already I am thinking of ways to improve the design. Low rise. Thong. Boy short. Seamless. Endless possibilities. Do you think it will ever be socially acceptable to reach down your crotch to pull out your driver's license and/or money? "License and registration? Just give me a minute, officer." Helen, you're right though, these are panties made for all those die-hard clubbers. Now, if I could only figure out a way to get to my money from under a bridesmaid's dress, so I can pay the bartender at the cash bar.

Sisters

2006-02-12T23:21:00.000-08:00

Happy 30th Caroline
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

Lately, it seems there has rarely been a dull moment. Our lives are filled with births and birthday celebrations. We're at the time in our lives when many of us are turning 30 and having babies, two momentous occasions in the life of a woman. Life keeps getting richer and deeper with each passing year. Sure, there are bigger trials around every corner, but there are sweeter rewards as well.

This weekend we celebrated a dear friend's 30th birthday. She is also pregnant with her second and will find out this week if it's a boy or girl. Thanks, Caroline for the deliciously entertaining evening. When a group of women who don't get the opportunity to go out without their children get together and party, there's no holding back. I don't know if it was the wonderful company, or the fact that we didn't have to shovel our food down hurriedly in order to feed our kids, or the shots of soju, or the free gehran jim (egg custard) and denjahng jigae, or all the tender and savory meats that kept coming in waves, or the satisfying cup of Korean instant coffee at the end, or the incredible service (even by non-Korean standards), but this meal was as good as any of the fancy shmancy meals I've experienced at 5 star restaurants. It was so good that our family went back again tonight for some more. And it was STILL that good. If you're in the LA area and want THE BEST Korean barbecue, cooked over charcoal at your table (sutbul), go to Chamsoogol on Olympic at 4th Ave in K-town.

Afterwards we continued the evening (2-cha) at norehbang. We sang our hearts out for TWO HOURS. Thanks, Marianne for the table dance. Remember, what happened there, stays there. Okay, so, when I got home, I felt like the two hours was not quite enough for me, so I turned on our karaoke machine and did another 2 hours, by myself. I would have shared the mic with Joe, but he did not want to participate.

Now that the celebration is over, I just have two questions:

I wonder if we will still get together and party like this when we're 63.
What happened to the birthday girl? We didn't see you at church, Caroline. Did we party too hard?

Innovations that will forever change the way we think and act:

2006-02-10T01:22:00.000-08:00

Remote controls. This is why there is such a huge problem with childhood obesity. It's no wonder why we're all so lazy. It's because of the remote control that we now expect everything to be at our fingertips. We even get tied up in knots if we don't have the remote control at our fingertips. There are remotes for lights, stereos, fireplaces, garage doors, window blinds, and even car doors. Since when did we get so lazy that it became too hard to turn a freakin' key? What ever happened to the day when you had to get up to change the channel and even to adjust the antenna each time the channel was changed or someone moved out of their spot?
Speaking of which, High-Definition - that's something that I'm still looking forward to having in our home. Maybe the reason why so many adults wear glasses is because we had to strain our eyes for so many years trying to watch the old 19" tube from 12 feet away. What was the deal with UHF and VHF anyway? I still don't understand their function or the distinction between the two. Today's children will have only crystal clear picture quality, which leaves less to the imagination. I remember watching whole shows with intermittent static and having to visualize in my mind what was happening (It would have been less frustrating to listen to it on the radio).
MP3 players. The good old days of making mix tapes are long gone. Even the days of mix CDs are disappearing. I think I still have all 12 volumes of my specially-made "Super cool mixes." I used to pour hours into selecting the perfect songs; planning their order according to genre of music and transitions at the beginning and end; and even making sure the balance and sound was consistent on my equalizer. Now it's so easy to pull out the iPod and shuffle through the 60 G's of songs from your playlist. The art of the mix tape is gone I fear.
Spell check. I remember the days when I had to really study and know how things were spelled. In my day, you got marked down if you misspelled something. Word can now autocorrect your documents, making it difficult to even know if you misspelled something in the first place. What if we had to handwrite a letter? It might look something like this: "Hi their. Hows it going? I'm so embarased about mising you're berthday. Its so wierd, butt I fergot to chek the calender. Ill have to take you too that new restaraunt to selabrate. I'm gettin reddy to cook diner, but I nead to go to the market and bye a potatoe and figyer out wat I'm going too do about desert. Did you see the kidz? There all grownz up know. Bye the wey, wats up with the whether latly? Anyways, we mis you alot. Get back too me at you're liesure. Buy."
Google. Remember the days when we had to go to the library to get information? Researching for gems of information felt very similar to going on a treasure hunt. If your treasure chest was checked out or missing, you had to start the hunt all over again. I even remember schlepping myself to the downtown library at a very young age and learning about one-way streets for the first time. I also must have spent about a year's salary on photocopies of reference materials that couldn't be checked out. In those days, if the library was closed, you had to either make something up or go to the Encyclopedia Brittanica. Even the majority of my Masters thesis was researched at a library. Now, if I am even remotely curious about a topic, I simply google it. Information is so instantaneous. Joe and I have debates about something and then whenever we want to challenge someone's claims, we just google it to find the truth. But the downside of all this instant information is that kids don't truly understand the process and practice of research and how to solve problems on their own.
Worldwide web. It's amazing how the world has become much more accessible since the advent of the internet. I remember having my first telnet account freshman year of college and thinking that it was just a cool way to talk to my friends instantly, for free. I couldn't imagine all the possible uses there would be for the internet in the future. People conduct their entire businesses online. You could store all the information on your computer on the internet. Communication across the globe is available and the world appears to be moving closer to communicating in the same languages and the same currency. I remember having to get on a plane or read a book to learn about people from other cultures. In a way, the next generation will be so much more savvy and educated about the world and all its people. With all this access though, it is becoming harder to guard children from predators and from growing up too fast. They are learning earlier and earlier what they want and how to get it, but simultaneously they need to learn what is beneficial and what are consequences.
Cell phone/Blackberry. I was having a conversation with some college students from church and they were saying how hard it is to even go out without their parents calling them to check where they are and what they're doing. When I was in college, we had total freedom, unless you were a commuter and lived at home. For me, I was over 1000 miles away from home, so if my parents needed to reach me, they had to leave a message on my answering machine (ah, good old Rolma) and wait for me to get back to them at my convenience. I hear kids in junior high even carry cell phones in order for parents to keep track of their children's whereabouts. It's a modern convenience we can't be without, but I almost pity all the college students who are at their parents' beckon call. Turning off the phone doesn't even stop them. They will proceed to hunt you down like a bounty hunter, calling everyone they know you might possibly be out with in order to make sure you're not in trouble (I can already see myself doing this). Gone are the days when freedom truly rang.

Mars and Venus

2006-02-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the differences between men and women quite a bit lately.

Joe and I had a discussion recently about how we often have misunderstandings rooted in our disparate ways of communicating. You see, he demands logic in every way, from sentence structure to thesis to conclusion. I, on the other hand, say it like it comes, straight from my brain. Unedited.
I only have girls and often wonder what it would be like to have a boy and if I want to raise a boy (they are truly a different breed). With boys, you have to be on guard physically, and with girls, it's all about emotional wants and needs. I don't think I'm equipped to handle both physical and emotional exhaustion at the same time.
We just had a playdate at our home and there were 10 kids, 5 years of age and under in our home (3 boys and 7 girls). It was very clear from that experience that boys and girls think and play differently.
I read 2 separate articles (one in Newsweek dated 1/30/06 and the other in Parents magazine from March) about all the fascinating neurological and genetic differences between boys and girls. For example, short-term stress improves memory in boys, but has the opposite effect on girls, which suggests that boys perform better under pressure (timed exercises and contests). Whereas female brains appear to respond better to long-term stress, which implies that girls are more resilient over the long-run. Boys also are more receptive to movement, while girls respond to colors and textures. And girls' brains are actually larger in the area that interprets events and triggers complicated feelings like sadness and empathy. Boys' brains are relatively larger in the area that handles raw, impulsive emotions like fear and anger. There's more to our differences than meets the eye.
Joe and I were watching a special Dateline report on sex offenders. Out of all the offenders they interviewed and caught, not a single one was a woman. Also, a friend of mine from Houston was telling me how her church's nursery has a policy that no men can change diapers in nursery; not even the father of the child. The men at that church were fully supportive, to say the least. At first I thought that sounded a bit extreme and sexist, but in actuality, you rarely ever have to be concerned about women molesting a child. This is also the reason why there's not much of a market for male nannies and why male OB/GYNs have been on a decline. Sorry to say it, but men are more prone to perversion. There's just no other explanation.
Reading a friend, Chie's blog triggered a hot topic in our home that still baffles me to this day: why do men spend so darn long on the porcelain throne? I can prepare a complete meal and cook a pot of rice in the time it takes Joe to go #2. I, on the other hand, went and came back in a few short minutes sometime between #2 and #3 of this blog. Is it just another tactic to get away from us women and be alone? If men's brains are more geared to action and motion, why is it that they are so slow in this area? Any theories?

Dearly Beloved,

2006-02-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

goldfish
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

We are gathered here to celebrate the lives and mourn the deaths of Prince and Snow White, dear, precious goldfish. In the 8 months that you shared your lives with us, you were good pets to us and I hope you enjoyed your lives with us. We're sorry we moved you around so much in the last week and probably caused you to die. In any case, you were very special to us and we will miss you sorely.

I thought about having a burial for the fish, but it just seemed a bit overboard. I've actually lost many fish in my lifetime, so 8 months is pretty good for me considering my previous record is about one week. Prince and Snow White were so healthy, because they benefited from all the hard lessons I had to learn from all my previous pets. This time around, I knew not to overfeed them, to de-chlorinate their water, to clean the filter and the water, to give them a stress-free environment with plenty of water to swim around. The girls seem to be taking it pretty well. Abby mentioned that she wants a dog next. The girl doesn't like to waste her time mourning. Sheez, give the fish a moment of silence at least, before planning their replacement. I think I may have had more of an attachment to them than they did. I was trying so hard to give them the life that I couldn't with my former fish. It was too sad (and too gross) for me to bear, so I called Joe in to clear out the bodies early this morning.

It's interesting that both fish departed on the same day. Maybe they couldn't bear to be apart from one another. We still have another fish, Nemo, who is alive and well. And actually Snow White died of natural causes, but Prince jumped bowl and was found early this morning under the girls' dresser. This reminds me of a great black and white movie I saw about a man who was in love with this woman he had admired from afar. Upon finding her he said something like this: "We are like two fish swimming around and around in a bowl. Every time we meet, it's as if we are seeing each other for the first time again."

Family Room reDesign Part VII

2006-02-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

Close up
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

The infamous grass cloth has gone up on the walls. It's actually not as bad as we had expected and not quite as dark as we had thought it would be. It's very textural and very interesting to look at. The brilliant thing is that the tones from the wall covering were pulled from the rock wall in the adjoining living room, the granite counters in the adjoining kitchen and the existing walnut stained wood panels, which are on half of the family room walls. The whole house makes sense now.

Construction is moving along and camera crews are dropping by on a weekly basis to check on the progress. I fear that I am starting to get stale in front of the camera. Anyone got any good tips for staying fresh and interesting on camera? The entertainment cabinet is the last bit of construction left and then the rest is icing on the cake.

There's no place like home

2006-02-05T23:26:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a short vacation in Houston, my old stomping grounds. This is my excuse for taking such a long break from blogging. We were only there for a short while, but it was pure bliss. The only place like my home here in Cali is my home back in Texas. There's nothing like my mom's home cooking, sitting back and letting my mom spoil my kids with attention and food, catching up on the local goings-on, meeting up with old friends, and cruisin' the local scenes.

Do you ever notice how your relationships with old friends always seem to just pick up where they left off? I often wonder if I lived in the same city as all my friends, which ones I would really still stay friends with. We claim to choose our friends based upon having similar ideologies, but how much of our friendships are based upon convenience? With out-of-town friends you have to set aside time to hang out, since you don't get to see them everyday. But sometimes when you live in the same city, you just get too busy to make time for each other. Ironic, isn't it? I find it equally interesting that when we do get together with our old friends we inevitably wind up reminiscing for long hours about sweet memories we've shared together, instead of catching up on all the time we've missed while apart. How many times must we discuss the peeled shrimp at Dave & Shar's wedding back in '98, and replay the debaucherous evening afterwards at Abbey Pub?

It's amazing how much things change while you're away. Some things never change, though, such as the decor in my childhood bedroom, family routines and my baby bro. When I go back to Texas I usually spend a good deal of time at home. It's where I feel safest, because when I go out, there's a whole world that I hardly recognize. New shopping strip malls are constantly popping up all over the place. New housing developments are being built (and they're SO CHEAP - we're talking, 3000 sq. ft for a little over $200K!). New freeways are being constructed. New people are moving in or out down the street. New places to hang out and eat out are sprouting up and dying out all over town. Every time I go back and step outside my parents' home, it's as if I've time-traveled at warp speed into the future. By the way, don't plan any trips to Houston over the next few years. The whole dang city and each and every freeway is under construction, SIMULTANEOUSLY. Hello, planning! You work on ONE freeway and then move to the next. It's called traffic control.

Now that I'm back, there's so much to get ready for. While I was away, a good friend of ours had their baby. Congratulations, Julie and Leonard, who gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, David. We have a lot more work to get done on our family room, several more tapings for reDesign, the start of my landscape design classes for the semester (which begin this week), the start of a ladies book club, a new dance class for Abby, and possibly a class for Sarah and me. Now that I'm back, bring it on!

Goodbye 2005

2006-01-30T09:22:00.000-08:00

It's nearing the end of January, and in my mind, it is now officially the beginning of 2006. This is when I get it together and stop making the mistake of writing 2005 on all our checks, when I get my butt in gear because I can no longer use the "post-holiday" excuse, and it's also when I start looking forward to the new year and what goals I need to make and achieve.

2005 was a landmark year for us in many ways. In fact, every year is significant in the growth and development of a child. This past year, our children celebrated their first and third birthdays, which included a garden party and a fish-themed party. Our eldest was potty-trained, asserted her position as big sister in our household and began school for the first time. Our youngest, started talking in full sentences, dressing up in princess clothes, copying everything her older sister would do, and fighting for the right to her own toys. Joe committed to stay at his group and become partner, finally traded in the old Civic and got his first new car, and we moved into our own single family home complete with a big backyard. I was busy constantly thinking of new ways to make our new home more our own, exploring a new community, getting to better know and love the sisters at our church, and embarking on the beginning of a new career. When I reflect upon the past year and look on this year, there are just a few things I can think of that I want to do better:

Listen to myself and my needs more
Listen to my children and be calmer and more patient with them
Fight the urge to retreat when things get tough with the girls, Joe, or my parents. And "seek the truth" as Joe always says
Say "I love you" more to those I truly love
Be wholly devoted to God

Side note: there are a whopping 12 pregnant ladies at our church right now. That number will go down to 11 this week when one of them gives birth. Just to give you an idea of how significant this is, I did a bit of number crunching. There are roughly about 40 women of childbearing age (I defined this to be post-college and pre-menopause) at our church and of those, 30% are pregnant! Out of 40 women 65% are married, so if you calculate the percent pregnant out of married women only, the percent goes up to almost 50% (I know, I'm a biostats nerd). It's gotten bad, but it's a funny sight to see the parade of bellies every Sunday and whenever we get together. Yesterday I went to church in this empire waist, tunic top and everyone started asking me how I was feeling, as if I might be pregnant. AS IF!

Not my usual self

2006-01-28T01:12:00.000-08:00

The new me
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

For the past several days I have been another woman. I have transformed into some kind of supercharged, handywoman, task master, OCD cleaning machine (I decided to get some photos taken just to prove it ---->). Here are just a few examples of the strange behavior I have been exhibiting: I went around the house and hung up almost all the pictures that have been sitting against the wall of the office for the past year (total of 8), I obsessively chased after the contractors who were working on our family room remodel with a Swiffer mop, I fixed a droopy shelf in a closet (which was not as easy as it sounds; it involved a power drill, 5/8" drill bit, stud finder, 4 2-inch wood screws and some muscle), and attempted to fix a running toilet (in the end, I decided to leave this one to the hubby). I hate touching toilets, even though ours were brand new when we moved in and get cleaned on a regular basis. In the process of fixing that droopy closet shelf, I had to pull out all the boxes of junk I chose not to deal with when we first moved in. At the time (1 year ago on Feb. 1), I was too overwhelmed with the task of unpacking hundreds of boxes; some of which by the end of our packing were full of pieces of miscellaneous odds and ends we couldn't decide whether to throw away. It was just too, too much at the time. But NOW was the time that God had chosen for the closet to get an enema. I flushed and purged it. And it felt GOOOOD!

I think I will go around and patch all the cracks and dings in the walls and moldings next, and then paint all the spots that need to be touched up. And then I will pop open an ice cold beer and scratch myself. What is up with me? I think it has to do with the fact that we've had contractors working diligently on our home for 3 days straight. Being around people who are working hard inspires me to work hard too. It feels great. My soul feels at peace. Is this what neat freaks feel like all the time, or do they just have more anxiety because they're constantly thinking about the next thing they need to straighten up? In any case, I wonder how long this will last.

Hello, McFly!

2006-01-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

Ever since my pregnancy with my first child, I became an extremely cautious and careful person. Let's step back. Let me take you back to my early years when I either had fresh, bloody scrapes or a huge scab on my knees, at all times. I can't even begin to guess how many times I've fallen down in my life: 500, 5000, 5 hundred thousand? I once fell in the middle of the street in NYC and looked down to find that I had tripped on absolutely nothing. I've fallen up and down flights of stairs. I have an embarrassing falling-in-the-nude-in-public story, which I will not elaborate on any more. Speaking from experience, it is particularly important that you are more careful when you are in such a vulnerable situation. As a mature adult in the corporate world, I fell over a half-flight of stairs in front of the fountain, which is in the middle of the plaza at my office building. That was particularly memorable because while I was falling in slow-mo, I heard hundreds of loud *gasps*, but somehow landed victoriously on my feet and spared myself from a very nasty spill.

Well, I thought the curse had left me when I got pregnant, because miraculously one day I was accident-prone no more. But, to my dismay, it has mysteriously returned. Today I made a big boo-boo and smashed the back window of my 1-year old minivan while backing up into my garage, which is going to cost me $400 to repair. My bruised shins and bluish black toenail have returned, too. Oh well. Now that the curse is back, I guess I should start setting aside an accident fund.

Family Room reDesign VI

2006-01-25T14:36:00.000-08:00

Before
Originally uploaded by hyuhan.

Demolition is underway and our old, outdated wetbar is being hauled away. That thing was built to last. They definitely don't build things like they used to. What's really cool is that we found an old calendar hidden behind some of the boards, from 1956. I wonder if it was put in there intentionally. I think I want to insert something in the base of the cabinet too before they start building it up. Wouldn't that be a cool find for the next owners when they demo our cabinet in another 50 years?

By the end of this week, we are assured that all the demo will be complete and the doorway between the living room and family room will be closed off halfway. I am told that it will take about a year for the editing to be complete on our episode. So unfortunately, you will have to stay tuned until Spring 2007 (!) to see the results. Or if you want to see the reveal sooner, you'll have to make a personal visit to our home. We will start charging admission and open doors as soon as construction is complete in about another month.

The eternal question...

2006-01-25T09:58:00.000-08:00

for women, that is. What should I do with my hair? For the first time since the year 2000 I am allowing my hair to grow significantly past my shoulders. It is now almost down to my shoulder blades. What is it about hair that makes us crazy? They're just dead cells like finger nails. Why must we obsess about cutting it, styling it, flat-ironing it, blow-drying it, curling it, dyeing it, and perming it? I am even considering the latter choice. From the time I was in junior high through junior year in high school, I had a different hair style about every 6 months. Some of the times I was daring enough to cut my own hair, using a mirror and a pair of clippers or scissors. That's why I have such amusing school photos.

I have virgin hair. It has NEVER been dyed and the last time it touched any sort of chemicals was in the 6th grade when my mom gave me a home-perm. Bad move. I had a fro for months and was traumatized. What to do. To perm or not to perm. This is an even bigger deal because if I make a bad decision, the disaster will be forever recorded on TV when we air on reDesign. Can anyone dissuade me or assuage my fears?

Severe Weather Alert!

2006-01-24T11:31:00.000-08:00

Oh dear. The news and weather forecasters are advising residents to stay indoors until at least 4 PM today. Classes have been cancelled for the second day in a row at Cal State Fontana and traffic is at a standstill. All this because of some wind. We Californians are TRULY WEAK. At least it's still sunny and 75 degrees.

Mother bear

2006-01-23T00:29:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been watching and studying my eldest daughter's relationships, especially at church and since the start of school. This year in particular it seems has been more challenging. And as a result I've been paying extra special attention to whether her school is fostering her social skills and whether she is developing healthy friendships in all her various social circles. It's a tough world and it's even tougher for girls. That's why growing up I had more guy-friends. Girls are just too complex and have too many issues and sensitivities.

Today, a fellow mother mentioned to me her regret that her daughter had been less than nice to mine today and in the past. I truly appreciated her apology and expressed that I too have been concerned about this. I'm not trying to single her out (I think we're cool in terms of this topic), since this is a common "playground" issue for children. But I often wonder how much I should get involved in situations such as these. It's not that my daughter has trouble making friends. To the contrary, she is one of the most outgoing youngsters I've known. As soon as she was old enough to learn people's names, she would walk around before church and greet all her friends as if she was on the welcoming committee. It's just that when she is rejected, she takes it particularly hard. She will have to learn that in life there are different types of people and when difficult situations arise, you have to come up with your own solutions and move on. Not all people were meant to get along and be friends. Like I've said before, people are different. Even though I've tried to explain this to her over and over, I realize it's a tough lesson, which I'm not sure a 3-year old is ready to learn. I fear sometimes the negative effects of this sort of discouragement and social rejection at so young an age. I myself was often on the outside of most social circles growing up and although I'm fairly confident in myself now, I find that I still have a hard time asserting myself or putting my opinions out there, for fear of not being accepted.

I know as mothers we have to refrain ourselves, because we would do almost anything for our children, from giving them the food off our plates, to physically stopping a moving truck. It's difficult to strike a balance between protecting them and allowing them to experience trials, so they can learn to solve problems on their own. I can't protect my daughters forever from all hurt or disappointment, although I often wish I could. What good would come out of it though? They would learn that mom and dad will fix all problems and never learn to depend on themselves. But, as a mom, it's hard to see your child hurt and not have it break your own heart as well.

Superhero Quiz

2006-01-22T22:02:00.000-08:00

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man		100%
Robin		80%
Iron Man		75%
Wonder Woman		67%
The Flash		65%
Supergirl		62%
Superman		60%
Hulk		60%
Green Lantern		55%
Catwoman		50%
Batman		45%

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

Being Rich

2006-01-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

This is an interesting debate, since I have never been rich. So, it's easy for me to speculate how my life would be if I were rich. Although, if we cashed out our home and moved to Nebraska, we would be sitting pretty. I'm sitting here thinking of this subject because I'm reading a book, which I am embarrassed to name (Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What the Rich Teach Their Kids About Money - That the Poor and Middle Class Do Not!). I saw it at the library last week and was curious to see what it is that the rich teach their kids that my parents didn't teach me. It's not that profound or novel, so don't waste your time, but I was sitting here and thinking about my middle class upbringing and even the times in my life that were less than middle class. As a child, I didn't know the difference. I take that back, I think I sensed a difference, but didn't recognize it. I think I appreciated what I had so much more because it wasn't just mine for the asking. It wasn't so easy to get what you wanted and a lot of times you had to give up on the dream of having something or just become resourceful.

Joe and I frequently have conversations about the lure and power of money and what it does to people. We try to be very wary of its influence in our lives. We almost pride ourselves on the fact that we struggled growing up and understand the value of money a bit more than those who lived comfortably their whole lives. Even when my parents became more financially stable, they didn't let my brother and I know about it. I think they feared they'd spoil us. I went to college with a huge lump of guilt in my stomach because I thought my parents couldn't afford it. Not until I went to the financial aid office to question the meager loan package they had offered me, and the loan officer laughed in my face, did I realize that my parents weren't as poor as I thought. My parents did pass on some incredibly valuable financial lessons growing up. Because my mom is so extreme in her view of money (the woman doesn't have a single cent of debt - not even home or car), I adopted the same ethics. In today's world, instead of saving for the future, people are constantly borrowing from the future. Look at Social Security. In my mom's world, if you didn't have the cash up front, you didn't buy, whether it was a car or a loaf of bread.

I often worry that our children will grow up too comfortably, because what do we do when we think our children are in need? We provide, the best that we can. I would hope that my first inclination wouldn't be to buy them what they need. But so often, without thinking, that does seem to be the quickest and most direct solution. Will we have to hide our income from our children, too, until the day they get laughed at by a loan officer and deemed unable to qualify for all the low/no interest loans because of our financial status? I guess that wouldn't be so bad. In the same way that trials make us stronger and more resourceful, will our children become weak and unwise in terms of money because they never tasted struggle or financial difficulty?

I admit, it's nice not having to worry about money. I don't like having to worry about how we're going to buy the things we need or what our future holds. I like not thinking about money and having just enough of it, so it doesn't become a burden or an obstacle. I also worry that having money will change us and influence us to make choices that are not prudent. Fortunately for us, we live in Southern California, so we will never be rich.

Money really is evil, isn't it? Once you have it, you can never go back. Money doesn't calm our fears about being materially comfortable. In fact, the more you have, the more it seems we fear losing it. I catch myself thinking sometimes, if we had a bit more money, we could do this or do that. I think about ways we could make more money if we only had a little more money. It' s never enough. And that's the danger with money. Much like a drug, the more you have, the more you want and the harder it becomes to get out of our dependence on it. It's an insatiable need.